Thursday, December 31, 2009

Of Promises and Pledges

Truthfully... no really knows who I am. I actually live a double life. Its not that hard. There's me and there's another me. The other me which comes out only in the darkest moment due to boredom and well... the temptations of the devil. Really, i have tried to vanquish and kill the other me but i failed over and over again. It makes me feel guilty each and everytime i live the other me but i can't seem to run away from it.

I wish to start 2010 by killing the other me. Another ferocious attempt. See how long it will last this time.

Promises and Pledges 2010
- Kill the other me
- A better servant of Allah, daughter, student, sibling, friend.
- To actually grow up (im 20 already)
- More hardworking (in studies, life and health)
- Lose weight gained due to steroid (i look like a panda)
- There are a lot of other things that i just can't list down right now...



Another thing to rant is... I feel depressed doing my EE. Just because i really don't know what to write in the discussion. Nothing make sense actually. Haih... really. Its really a poor attempt. I just have to do it right. Close one eye and just finish it. Damn it. Its so hard!~~

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I feel ashamed. I know... i so totally wasted like loads amount of time, that i just can't believe that this is actually me.

Interestingly enough because of somebody's blog it somehow gave a huge blow to my obliviated brain.

That's it, time to repent.

I will cherish and fill my remaining time with something useful... omg, i feel so low.

Must motivate myself!~~ Now im worried. Math IA not done and a whole load of other crap not done.

One at a time... i can do it. Think positive gurl!~

Love thyself more!~

*blink2*

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sincerely, my EE sucks. Too bad. Reality-wise, it still sucks. That certain someone really knows how to suck out all the energy from one person and just crush and pummel them to their death. I can only imagine her evil smirks that sets your heart to stop beating. God, I have enough of this. If it wasnt because of me being afraid of not reaching the endline, i would have walked out of the door and not look behind. I feel like throwing my one EE into the trashbin and no one needs to help me.

I can't believe im saying this but my patience really have its limits. I don't know how long i can stand this. I hurts so bad that i feel like im suffocating. I can't face her anymore. I just can't. I have no more heart to look her in the face and i wish that Sem 4 would fly away really quickly so that i don't have to look at her anymore. Its not normal for me to do this but to save my own dying soul i think its necessary.

It hurt so much. Too much that i think im losing my mind. Oh god. Help me.

Monday, December 14, 2009

How to love without feeling guilty? Im delusional.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I feel stressed and miserable and i hate life right now. So much for being the un-bersyukur one. Damn it all. I hate everything right now. I hate EE, TOK and even the bloody finals. Fish it all!~~~~ I know i just bloody wasted my time doing nothing and today was supposedly be a working day for me. Crap i tell you. Its crap. I want to escape from everything. Fish it all!~~~~~ Although, i did read somewhere that patience is a beauty. I should have more patience. aisufasfnurgb...

Friday, November 20, 2009

Of Anger, Jealousy and Hatred

Maybe... just maybe the latter seems harsh. Unfortunately, to some extent its true. Why such sad and bitter words? To whom or what shall I put the blame on?

I want to flush this out and forget about it... Don't give a **** anymore.

1- I wish YKW would stop hogging my stuff, sometime is okay but too frequent and it just gets
on your nerve.

2. Yes... good to ask for permission but personally again... its too frequent.

3. GET YOUR OWN **** STASH!~~ not that i mind... its just that, its too frequent and a
bloody *** yourself. It is that hard to bring one from home??

4. Stop complaining about your ******** if its that hard, why the fish did you get ******** in the
first place? And then proceed to repeat the same crap again and feel like **** again.

5. I hate when you don't ****** the ***** every *****

6. I am definitely jealous that you have completed your ** *** ***

7. I hate when things which are ment to stay between us don't stay between us.

8. I hate when some ***** sometimes feels a lil selfish.... and then proceed to say that other's
who are not considerete about *** is selfish. - such irony -

9. I hate that i just bloody wasted my time cuz i just can't do it anymore

10. I hate the fact that holidays are non-existant

11. I hate my medication - its killing me inside out (mentally & physically)



Finally, with all that out, i wish to lead a happier life no matter what the ends brings. I live for me. Allah's knows best.

I love my family and im dying to spend time with them.

Monday, November 2, 2009

1. I am irrevocably out of my mind.... - meaning - i want something in which i am very well aware that it will never be.

2. Steroid induced life = trial and pain

3. I understand how tat dude felt... i feel ya man!~

4. A lot of assignments - ?????

5. Std test - they must be out of their minds...

6. IRP group rocks

7. 4 month to go... i wonder whether i can even fit into my clothes by them... ain't doin so good now you know...

8. OTAGO ESSAY!~~~

*runs around frantically and finally faints due to exhaustion*

Friday, October 30, 2009

Honestly....

1. Hospital Appointments sucks - I got a fairly sad news (including a suggested surgery) and another 4 month to go with the lovely steroids.

2. I look like an alien. Enough said.

3. Why am I stressed staying at home - it shouldn't be isnt it?

4. I want to run away.

5. Something I said quite often (inside my mind) = Perasaan jantung berdegup bila nampak orang yang kita suka, satu perasaan yang bestkan? =

6. I live in denial - the person I like, well... the feelings only bound to stay within the wall of KMB. Its not going to go anywhere pon but... like Aesya said - tak kisah kalau orang tu tak kenal kita or know that we exist. Perasaan suka tu yang lagi penting - if confused, refer to no 5.

7. The workload and family commitment is killing me. I even closed one eye blind just so that I can have my own life. - Outing with Aesya

Conclusion = I have a heavy load on my shoulder... and it hurts.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I am truly... messed up? I don't really how to face life challenges right now because somehow... hurm. Well just because life does not really go the way you want it to be, it does not give you the right to go blame anyone else. I guess this is it. Hypocrisy.

Everyday I am on the prayer mat asking for a better life and yet i am complaining about life off the prayer mat. Can't you see why my life ain't getting better?? Its because i keep complaining!~ I should do something about it. Look at it more positively I suppose.

Exam's is just around the corner. A huge hunch is telling me that... other than having my EE flushed down the toilet, the exam is going to be a tough one. What are my commitments?
I need to get my head straight really.

FISH!~~~~

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Nak mengaku benda yang paling penting. Dah lama diri ini tidak merapu and meluahkan rasa dihati. But truth to be told, there was just no time for me crap out rants. Seriously. Life's like that.

Point to note though. Summerization of a crazy life.
1. I eat too much.
2. I love my baju raya
3. I had a crush + out of league = living in a dreamland (hoping in the future the guy i marry would be just like or even better than him, *wink2*
4. Finally grasp the jeez of EE
5. Got lectured by Pn Salma. Bet she thinks im some kind of a dumbass (im not really- i just have a complex brain)
6. A total of 146 pills have been digested to date. Steroids i mean.
7. My body looks like shit. Seriously

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Einstein Hair-Do

Not related to the title... anyhow, tonight is the first raya night. It supposedly supposed to be joyous isnt it? I seriously swear there is too much drama and sarcasm going on in the family. Well each family have their own backyard right? The only way to do it is just - ignorance - hence the phrase, ignorance is bliss.

In order to acheive something, one must know what they want. I think all the time I was in KMB, i only had a vague idea of what I want. What do I want? I want to pursue a Medical Degree and become the best doctor around and I want to do it oversea, come back and serve the nation. That is my mission.

I have spent 90% of my time worrying about not making it. Its all bullshit. I've wasted a whole piece of my damn time. Now is not the time to be worrying. Its all about eyeing the final prize. The final reward. All its takes is - F-O-C-U-S -

I need to shift my focus on things that can make me acheive my dream. No more petty imagination and worrying. People might believe that I will not make it especially that certain someone and I will prove her wrong. I worked my ass off to get to this level, even landed myself in the hospital and had to go through so much obstacle. I am not going to let myself down.

All I need to just to be focused. Enough of all petty nuisance and crap the world have to offer. Its just between me and Allah. I had enough time mellowing over myself and now I am going to stand up again. The outcome matters, the effort matters and the heart matters. I am going to work hard and be focused. Be focused, that is all it takes.

I think I lost focus when I got to KMB and I don't know why. It was all about being naive wasn't it. Grasp the reality Diana!~ Its knocking ya in the face. Who gives a damn about what everybody say or do. Do what you can and do it up to your maximum capability.

You'll be the greatest person alive. One way or the other. Don't give a bullshit about what other people are doing. Everybody has their special capability and you have yours. Use it to your full advantage and you'll do just fine.

You are so going to get ur damn ass on the bloody plane to Australia and get that damn Medical Degree. Fullstop.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Is it wrong to be expressing my feelings in my mothertongue? It sounds more personal and more sentimental like that.

Sudah tidak tertahan kudrat di hati
Melayari segala cubaan dan dugaan
Segala tomahan and andaian
Menguris perasaan yang sedia ada goyah

Meniti tiap-tiap mentari dengan persoalan
Mampukah aku? Tabahkah aku?
Apa yang dicari sebenarnya?
Kejayaan atau penerimaan?

Keikhlasan dihati untuk meruntun ilmu
Dipersoalankan. Patutkah ianya begitu?
Tiada siapa yang tahu
Kecuali yang Maha Esa

Ya Allah, Ku panjatkan doaku padamu
Hanya dirimu yang mengetahui
Isi dihati ini.
Bimbinglah, tabahkanlah diri ini

Berterbangan seperti debu
Goyah bercampur air mata
Namun berpaut bagai tali nyawa yang terakhir
Aku ikhlas menerima suratan takdir

Saturday, September 5, 2009

What actually happened this week? It is nuthing but a blur case it seems. I did remember differential equation popping up somewhere... Been putting off my Math IA like... seriously Im way behind. My brain is just not made for math. Maybe because I can't see it. I need to see things... Math is... well not seeing. Anyways... im home again and I only have a few hours to work on my Math IA. Shall we pull an all nighter again? Cuz I need to go to the hospital tommorow. That would be an issue.

Im scared for my Math IA. Seriously. Its not looking so good. You know... I should just really try to do my best. I have accepted that I am not a Math genius and will never be. So lets be done with it ok. Maybe I could aim for quality and communication. I hope. Man... this is so not looking so good. I feel sick.

Not forgetting to mention other tons of homework. Im scared.

Self motivation and note : Diana... lets just do it. You are what you think. If you think you can then you could. - A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes. - :)

Friday, August 28, 2009

It was just a matter of time before actually well... knowing that my life is pretty messed up. Its messed up real bad. I can say that I have lost some sense of direction in life.

Hidup terumbang-ambing.

Where am I heading to? Do I really want to go back there? People are so hyped up with their EE and such. I have none. Am I not worried? Hell, damn yeah im damn worried. Be damnned 'worried-ness'!!~

Things are just too much. Too much for me to handle. I could not even breathe. I feel like suffocating again. IELTS is around the corner. I have done any practise. Kill me seriously.

I need to redo my World Litreture. This time... with some authority and class. Something that is actually above intelligence level. My first draft was actually crap. On the other hand... I don't know what happened to Math IA. I got stuck. Will do the real folio tonight. I hope.

Got myself new pair of glasses. Hope that would give me some surviving skill/ego/mood boost. Really need it actually. My eyes is bad.

I know coffee is bad... but hey... couldn't help there was only the green packet and mom threw away the non-instant one. I need my coffee. Been off for a week. Im not an avid coffee drinker... drinking just to survive actually. Not really a coffee addict.

I need professional help.

Seriously.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

You know... i need to stop slacking off. Especially when my Newcastle prospectus came in. Reality hits u in the face you know... Its like banging in ur face saying "Diana!~ if u don't clean up ur act ur going nowhere"

I know that... my conscience keeps telling - more like shouting actually - me that.

I need to finish my math ia... you know.. going back to banting this monday... i am going work my ass off. I want to go to Newcastle.. i know will go. I will clean up my act and just do it. I will do all my tutorials and be a good gurl.

NO MORE SLACKING OFF!~~

Urghh.. im just not trying hard enough it seems.

I will do my best... i will...

Come on Diana!~~ You can do it. Stop running away.!~ Ur platelets are back to normal level... so its okay. STOP BEING PARANOID!~

sheesh....

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I guess its time for me to just grow up and not be childish huh? Been avoiding my workload. I really should get to it. Took me long enough to 'pujuk' myself to do work. I know its hard but its my responsibility... procrastination is bad.

Take one step at a time and just do it. Its not that hard... just need a lil bit of focus and luck and im there.

Been dozing and laying around there few 3 days. Wasted so much time!~ Seriously? The question now is... did i deserve it? Thats a bit harsh... dun ya tink?

Oh well... woke up at 12.pm today. So might as well get my ass on the work.

Anyways... i was pondering about life yesterday. It seems that i look into the future so much i forgot what i have in my hand. Maybe I should just forget about the future and make my current moment more meaningful.

Come what may...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Promises are made to be...

I have just spent the whole day in the hospital sleeping. They lost my file. I end up sleeping on the couch and dozing away while waiting for my name to be called. Interestingly my platelet count went up again. This time 256. Significant number i presume.

Anyways... i continued sleeping when i got back home. Seems like i've been hit by the sleeping spell. Slept the whole afternoon and night. Waking up to have a 6.30pm lunch and 12.30am dinner. Talk about hay-wired bio-clock. Life is... empty.

I guess this is just one of my ways to forget that i have homework and stuff's to do. Why am I avoiding all this?

This morning is not so productive either. Not just did i just missed my English Comprehension deadline... but I wandered aimlessly on the net finding nothing interesting that can gain my interest. When did internet get so boring??

Facebooking is overrated.

Ramadhan is here. I wish to become someone better. I hope. May this Ramadhan brings me a lot of good than it before. I have an aim to change.

Peace y'all.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I will not become emotional. I refuse to be sensitive. I should just suck it up and just face it.

Question though... how can someone so narcisstic exist. If that person wants to exist like that go ahead BUT please take note of my existence. I don't converse for the sake of wanting to converse. The most annoying and sicking thing is... how that person can act differently towards me. Who the fish does that person think that person is? Big F to that person. Please... don't think you are someone special. You are just not. Seriously. Period.


Anyways... BIO LAB!~ Warggh!~~~

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am not actually exhausted. Its just that the amount of workload kinda of gets to me sometimes. I just spent 2 hours straight cleaning the room alone without help and considering i am going back early, I had to pass up my homework earlier than others. Bio lab especially. I mean... this got to be the hundrendth time we all have to modify our graph. Talk about tidieousnes.. sheesh!~ Oh well all for a 7 in Biology. I don't mind the extra pain.

I need to buck up on Chemistry. I know i can do it. I just need to understand the concept and not forget things. Its not that i don't understand i just can't remember well. I am aiming for Newcastle. At least Cardiff. At least. The prospects look bright. I want this.

Math test is tomorrow... but with the amount of workload im going with.... sempat ke nak study? I'll just go through and pray for the best. I can do this... i know i can. I understand the concept. I must be brave and confident that i can do it. I know i can.

Anyways... the rate im eating is well... scaring me. Lol... Oh by the way, I can't believe someone made me feel like i am unimportant. For a person to make me feel like that its as if.. well.. how dare that person. Eugh!~~ I hate that person. Good riddence!~ I must focus on people which matter more to me than actually spending time pondering and getting headache over someone like that. I need more credit you know. Fish that person.

English is great. I know i won't be able to keep to the deadline but i'll get it down on Friday. Promise~

<<33

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I feel like there is a huge boulder on this shoulder of mine. I feel like I am somewhat left behind. Too caught up with the hecticness of IB I forget how to breathe again. Managed to digest my Math IA with Huat the genius just now. I think it helped a lot. At least Im not avoiding it right?
Math standardized test is coming soon. I am not too sure what I am suppose to be doing... cuz Im quite lost. Have a session with Wawa tonight. I hope that will help.

I am genuinely worried.

UNIVERSITY!~~
Choice 1 : UK - Newcastle / Cardiff
Choice 2 : Aussie - Newcastle / Western Australia

Workload List
1. CHEMISTRY EE!~
2. MATH IA
3. BM presentation
4. Math Tutorial - I have no idea when I am getting to this
5. Chem tutorial
6. Eng 19 page story
7, BMS - read
8. Bio - read


Life is good..... I want to rest. Seriously... i need sleep....

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Alhamdulilah... tepat pada 12.3o tanggal 17 Ogos.. i have finally completed my BMS IA it took me like 2 weeks to digest the information and 2 whole day to write it out.. Despite leaving everything else behind. :P

Am I satisfied with my work? I didnt play a fool with it for sure but i can't guarantee that it is correct. It can end up wrong too. Whatever it is... i did my best. Now just to go and print and let Allah do the rest. Finally I can take a breather. Ahh... so much work. How do people cope with this. Urgh...

The only reason im doing this is because i think long term. This paper is 27% of the actual paper. it carry a lot of weight that i am not really keen on losing. This just could be the thing that can save me.

The pain-staking process I had to go through, understanding concepts writing notes... comparing information, contemplating which fits in or not.... ah.. decision2. Some might consider me a fool but... I don't know, I just had to do it.

Now... bigger task awaits.. me.. i mean loads. Hope I can wake up early tomorrow and do some catcthing up.

Oh yeah.. in the bigger picture. I need to analyse the Math IA thingy and make notes too and see Pn Aida. Oh Allah... make this easy and guide me.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Ya Allah.... takutnya nak buat BMS IA!~~ I don't even know if what I am doing is right or wrong. Ya Allah aku memohon petunjukmu... wargh!~~

This is stressful.... *bluek*
Funny.. how I actually wake up at 4.30am. Had a quick shower... browing thorough my ag book to look on how to perform istikharah solat. Then tahajjud as well as reciting the Quran. Boredom took over me and i swept the room plus clipping my nails off while the whole block E was dozing in on this lazy Sunday morning. By 5.30 my stomach was grumbling and i rolled around on the bed refusing to do work and instead had a short nap. Subuh came I performed my solat and well... my stomach was on riot. This is what you call stomach over body, mind and soul. Its ugly.

Strutting down the stair with my bad of drugs I made my way to the DS. Heck... there was no one safe for a male junior and the service ladies. Lol... life is good. Semangat sangat nak makan. Man... I was really hungry. Owh.. came back and browsed the facebook and now blogging. Is anybody reading between the line?

I am avoiding my BMS IA.

Haih... keep telling myself to get it over and done with. I believe that self-motivation is the best motivation. Go Diana!~~

FYI... currently I am laughing at myself cuz im doing other things to avoid my BMS IA. Procrastination much y'all.

Okay2.. Do BMS IA.... *mantra in the head* - since the deadline was like last Friday. Man, I just digged my own graveyard. Lolz...

Those who persevere shall prevail and triumph!~~ Muahahahah

Friday, August 14, 2009

After a shocking fever of 39.8 degree celsius, i indulged myself to a sleeping spree. It came along with this neauseating headache. I could even barely stand up straight. I took me quite a while to understand what people were saying when they asked me question. Most importantly... I didn't go to class. Which is a sad thing. Oh well... i figures that if i dealt with the fever the faster the better. So... i end up sleeping 99% of the time and hey... i don't regret that.

Need to perform istikharah solat. Need to. I have no idea where or which country I should apply. Should i really be doubting my own capability. Australia's requirement is really high. Which is a sad thing but I know I can be good doctor. Its not just about the grade but also the passion and commitment.

Anyways... really concentrating on my BMS IA. Guess I should get it over and done with. I have other things to do but I am not doing it as a one-shot thing. I have to do it carefully so that i'll save time for later rather than having to ponder on it for the second time.

The amount of drugs im taking sometimes make me look like a drug addict. Lolz... i even laugh at myself for this. How fragile I can be huh??

Amount of ice im taking
1. Prednisolone - 13 tablet (one-shot)
2. Paracetamol - 2 tablet
3. Bacampicillin - 1 tablet
4. Nilco Syrup - 10 ml

Life is surprisingly "good"

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I think that actually... in the quiet, my head is in a clutter. I mean... I totally forgot to carry my bakul dobi to the laundret. I mean... how the fish did I forget to send my own bakul!~??? Talk about frustration man... cuz I have another load specially for this Saturday laundry service.

The most funniest thing is... I used my shower cream on my hair. That definitely says something.

Anyways... I so totally like appreciate my penpal!~ He's like the nicest dude I've met. So supportive about my interview tomorrow. Although I am definitely lacking in preparation.... *ehem.. ehemm...* I will do my research tonight. I don't care!~~

BMS IA... is a wonderland. Dateline : this Friday. Percentage done : 20%. Can I finish in time? That is defintely another *cepu emas* question.

My chemistry wants my DCP tomorrow. Heck... there is a lot of DCP. I think i can finish it in time. I know I will!~~~ Muahaha

So new plans for my future placement. Went to the counseling room to get some advice. I am currently vying for a place in Australia... but my teacher said to put Australia as a backup plan. Instead she asked me to ask for a twinning programme with PMC. Its either with RCSI or UCD.

Both uni have pros and cons... but i think i'll weigh it later.... With all my heart I believe that knowledge is the same around the world. Where I end up does not matter but its the end product that I'll be will be the most important. I want to be make it big in the end.

Its not where you start... its where you end is the the most important thing.

*Edit : Best part is... im autoimmune. I got sore throat. Not good and the best part is... i can't be stressed for the fact of fearing relapse. I should wear a mask... but im not. right...


*crying for help.... banyak sangat kerja!~ waaaa!~~~*

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Having fail not not wake up at 4 am today... made me lost my time to actually do my BMS IA and research for my mock interview. I hope i can catch up tonight. Priortizing is definitely essential.

I think i must clear off my Chemistry Jotter and Chemistry CE. Then I am going to focus on Biology for a sec. Sms Sobri about the promotional mix. I am such a pusher.

There are a few things i have to settle but I know I can do it. I know I can.

Oh another thing. I made a drastic change of plan. Suddenly i feel like not going to Ireland nor UK is the best decision I have ever made. I feel somewhat at ease. I shape my own future. Going to Australia is my main plan right now.

Education and Knowledge is the same around the world. How you shape it is your own decision. I really want this. I know I can do it. Believing in myself is important. I am confident that I can. Why Australia. Call it a calling? A intuition that suddenly sparked in me.

Why do i want to be the same as other people. Maybe I get to meet new pool of people at that particular continent of the world. Let me be me.

I shape my own future *with Allah's help of course... lolz :P*

Monday, August 10, 2009

Taking one step at time... currently is my mantra at the moment. I don't know how effective it is... but heck its the only way so that i don't increase my blood pressure.

There are loads of assignments to be done. Mainly my BMS IA. Found out that someone else was doing the same company. Alhamdullilah he didn't mind me sharing the company with him. As long as we both don't know what we are both individually doing and not share any information nor cross-referencing. It should be alright. From what i can see, the issue being brought up is totally different. The way we both think as well as what point of view we are analysing is different. So its alright.

That's a relief.

Considering that everyone else has completed or on their way completing the IA. I am still stuck going through the supporting documents I have collected. It does not help that I have a mock interview coming and well the due date is this Friday. Yes... life is that hectic.

I can't seem to get my Chemistry Jotter back from Pn. Salma. How the fish am I suppose to do the CE?? Anyways... one of my friend told me about his blocked EE. Some problem he encountered... I told him that i am feeling very keen and honest about doing my EE. I don't in any way feel disheartened nor sad that i am doing Chemistry. I might be slow and considering I have a lot to catch up and going to catch up as I am traffic across tru and fro to the hospital. I am sure he would do well.

Math is a beautiful subject. The complexity of it leaves you in a dazed state of mind. The most important thing is to understand the concept. Yes... concept is important people!~~

Back to my business IA. I really want to this IA well.... i know i can. I have the feeling its going to be good. Now is just to balance it with my other works. They really need to give guide on multi-tasking... seriously. Period.

I vow to be more diciplined. I think that is the way to put it. Considering with the heightened eating self *its not gluttony people!~* i vow to eat in small portion and drink a lot of plain water. I vow to not kill myself but to cope with things as they are. I vow to become a better person each and everyday. Insyallah....

Oh... Jannah's article!~ Im looking foward to that one. That is due this Thursday. I intend to make her a ohh-la-la hot babe!~ *squeel!~*

And.... finally the mock interview. What can I say. Sink or swim?? Definitely i am going to swim. I should allocate myself sometime to go through the question and find a ground answers for it. I know i can score this.

Peace to the world!~~

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Omg... BMS IA. Damn it.

On a finer note... Alhamdullilah i have gathered a lot of things. Hopefully its alright. I just need to print and scrutinize whatever that i have. I wish the best for my BMS IA.

Dinner was maggie curry cup with yellow pear. Interesting combination it seems. I know that im lacking a lot of things right now but im taking one step at a time. I can do it. Fightin!~~

Snagged Nina's Chemistry jotter. She didn't do anything yet. Arghh... too much procrastination going around!~ I did found some information on the equlibrium constant. Its 4. About the CE... hurm... still thinking about how to do it. *interesting....*

I NEED TO STUDY!~~ *wails... and cries...and throwing tantrum...*

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I refuse to get my ass of the seat and clean my room to go back to Banting. I am just plain stubborn and i am sulking and i refuse to do anything.

*despite me saying this.... i still have to... haih...*

With a heavy heart... i have to face the consequences of slacking of, being extremely lazy and a huge procrastinator. I think its the first time in my life that I am actually like this. Well... there is a first time for everything.

I seriously contemplating whether i should just ditch my chemistry lab report and move on. There are other plenty of lab reports to be done. Should i ditch the old one's and focus on the new ones. I think its a bit too late to catch up with the old one considering I lost the momentum. Its a bit difficult to keep on track now.

So.. things I have to face when i get to KMB.
1. Ironing all my clohes (priority!~)
2. Scavenge peoples' chemistry lab report
3. Go through BMS IA
4. Start hunting for Chemistry EE (plan to do this, one hour each day until i find something)
I am damn going to be committed to it... i don't give a shit. I want to do this. Arghh!~~
5. Go through Math exercise - ask people Diana!
6. Go through Stats Mean Sampling - seriously, i have to get my ass on this...
7. Do Biology notes - read it damn it!~~
8. Read Chemistry notes - Do notes too...

Will I have time to do all this?? I know i will be hearing some unpleasant voices resonating of the wall.... my room is just not condusive for studying laa... i know, i have been in denial but heck the room is bloody freakin small. Not too mention a genius for a roomate. The stress gets to ya.

I can face this one by one... i know i can... one by one. It does not matter how slow. Its as long as you get there. Be the average one. Enjoy life Diana. Seriously.
I feel useless.... should really make a move right?
What am I waiting for... I can do this.
Diana, don't avoid things anymore. Face it. Ur a big gurl now...
Breathe in... and brace it. You can do this... you can, you know you can.
: )
Today went amazingly well!~ Me preaching about how we should appreciate life more!~

In the end of the day, its not about who make the grades. Its about who you are in the end of the day and how has that have affected peoples life. It does not matter where i go... it is who i am, is more important than anything. Fuck it all.

I have the most amazing and wonderful friend Allah can give me. Thank you Allah!~

Julia : GURL~ GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR BOOK!~ Im rooting for ya!~ Don't think or worry too much. I have faith in ya. Luv you!~

Miira : Damn ur supportive!~ I love you loads!~

We ate (or actually... was it me only??* so much, i swear my stomach can burst.

List of food eaten
1. Roti Canai
2. Zinger Burger
3. Cheesy Wedges
4. Chocolate Chip Walnut - Secret Recipe
5. Peanut Butter & Butter Waffle
6. Chocolate & Butter Waffle

List of food going to be eaten later
1. Walnut Brownie - Secret Recipe
2. Macaroni Chickaroni - KFC (dun noe if tats the name)

Bought presents for people... really hope they liked it. It was cute!!~

I am in the state of not caring about anything at the moment. Most probably going histerics cuz other people have done their assignment. Im just worried of going about relapse for my ITP.

Julia's mother patients went under relapse and could not be saved. Im too young to die.

My friends and I agreed on one thing. We need plan B in our life.
My plan B is actually becoming a lecturer. At least it is still something that i love. So its okay.

Found a nice quote
"Its better to fail at something you love than succeed at something you hate" - that should apply to my EE but Nauzubillah that i fail my EE.

I want to enjoy life more... life's too short it seems.
: )

Friday, August 7, 2009

Life is sooooo.... not productive. Hell, its far from productive. Staying at home made me into some kind of a lazy monster. Although trying really hard to not become a bed potato. I can't resist myself.

Business IA is in progress... still contemplating whether I need to do a Cost Benefit Analysis. I have not learn how to do it yet... but i think i need it or else my IA is like empty.

I have been staring at my *goals..* at was actually wondering whether i could acheive it. Its not about questioning whether i will get it. Its more of whether am I up for it. Just do the best that i can. I find myself trying to convince myself that everything is going to be ok. In KMB, convicing myself is like 99.9% of the time. I have to stop being unsure of myself. Have more confidence Diana!~

Going back to KMB this Sunday and yes... loads of stuff to do. One by one... do it one by one. I need to revamp my World Litreture. Been putting it off for quite some time now. I'll get it around. I want to settle my BMS IA first. It looks as if it has a bright future to it. Insyallah. It might not be the best IA among others but its the best IA that I did and I am going to be proud of it. Let it be the suckiest IA *hopefully not* my teacher has seen but heck its my IA!~

I have changed my aim... I want to be the best i can be and not kill myself. Lolz..

Laparla.... *tats random... :P*

Thursday, August 6, 2009

After stuffing myself with another round of Carbonara Fettucini, I find myself not sleeping and currently wasting my time. Its already 1 am. I really should be sleeping. Opposite to my previous self, I am actually taking my sweet time completing my work. Which is actually a bad thing cuz i have a bad feeling that i will be regretting this later but currently I feel like I could not care less.

..... *yes.... there is a twist and tug in stomach saying... im going to regret this....*....

I vow to print my broadband bill tomorrow morning and have it paid cuz... my life depends on this broadband. Not having it is like being amputated. Had a nice laughing evening sms-ing people. Alaq and Syahmi. Funny people seriously.

I don't feel like going out with my friend tomorrow and I really have a strong feeling its going to be canceled. Duh.... 3 people only. Where's the fun in that? However i am really looking foward for Saturday though. Hopefully it will go through. I have no idea when would i have the chance.

As time pass by and in today's current situation, people tend to be selfish. Even if they don't notice it. Its unevitable. Rushing in and out just to live their life. Its a neverending circle but what is actually the aim of life. I guess to be accepting things as they are. I used to be afraid of not making it. Making to the finishing line, becoming succesful in life and to live it.

I have a new understanding now. That is to realise that Allah loves you so much that he won't let you drown. He knows best and whatever decision made by Him is the best for us. I just have to go with the flow and just ride the wave. Giving every inch of what i've got.

Right now, it does not matter where i'll fly to. Maybe I won't even fly oversea. There are pros and cons... but I am not going to dwell on it. I'll just have to do my best. The only thing is now... my best must not land me in the hospital again. Things that you miss just because you are hospitalized... but the thing that i gain was acceptence and realisation. Allah still loves me.

I want to start fresh tommorow. Yes.... i can already hear Pn. Salma nagging me about my EE... ahh.. the stab in the heart. I really have to learn how to shield my soft, poor heart. I know she meant good for me... and i will strive to do the best EE i can do within my capability. I know i can.

I believe in myself. I know I can.

<<33
Truthfully.... I am just crapping with my business IA paper. I hope it make sense. Although I am not quite certain, I aim to get half of the full mark. There was a little bit of progress with it. Im in the introduction bit...

However on the other hand... i am so neglecting my Chemistry EE. I can't have too many things in my head in one go. DITZY!~ Oh Chemistry EE.... why art thou so cruel? I know i can do it. I just need to sit on it... but im sitting on my BMS now.... *wails* Help anyone??

Finally i got to drive around... been a while. Dragged my mother, sis and niece to the shop. Got myself new earphones as well as some foolscap paper. Math is being stubborn. I can decipher what it wants. Oh well i'll get it around. The lab... oh God the lab. My lab is going down the sink. How the fish do you do the bloody graph!? *aksfnauidf*

tweedledee... tweedledum....

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The plan didn't go well... I didn't stick to it. Mere human I am... lolz.

Anyways no progress with my BMS IA. I changed the company though... i hope its not the same as other. People might not know this company cuz... well.. i hope they don't read the newspaper cuz i didn't and it was like a spur of the moment.

Im wondering how the fish am i suppose to do this. 1500 word is not much. Its a commentary. Logically in my head, there is no right or wrong answer. We are just supposedly to analyse the situation and come up with a conclusion. Like evaluating that so and so company's move.

They say, to error is human but currently, to error is actually flushing my business paper down the toilet. This is a serious matter. I may not be good at it but hell i want to score this.

I feel like another headache is going on.
Allah... help.... *whining...*

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Reluctantly dragging myself of the bed to the bathroom just to get a shower. Had a nice scrambled egg breakfast though... but that definitely does not stop me from being cranky. I have to face this sooner or later right.

Place worry with action. Nice quote but not really an easy thing to do. I have to stop thinking 'what if'. Just plunge into it huh? I have to face my BMS IA sooner or later!~ Have to carefully plan my time. 4 hours of slaving over the net looking for information is not good for your blood pressure.

Seriously i think the drugs im taking is making my BP low. My reading was 116/66. Isnt that low? Alright.. so how about 1 and 1/2 hour BMS IA, rest, 1 and 1/2 Stats... repeat with Math. Planning to scavange for Chemistry EE stuff tonight. Hopefully Im lucky.

I can do this!~ I have all the time in the world!~~ Muahahaha... *... i think im goin nuts... *faints**
Been slaving over BMS IA, looking for information that i could find about BP. Still come up with nothing. Penatlaa... haih..

I so want to do this... but i have no idea what am i suppose to do. Investigate an aspect of business about the company. Find an issue!~ Frustnye..

Chemistry EE is buried somewhere, i have to dig for it later... time is just not enough isn't it. I always feel like time is not enough.

Dear Allah,
Let me face this with an open heart, make things easy for me, show me that way. Let this be
my sweat and tears to achieve success. Dear Allah, let me do this right. I need to.


.... musings...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Feeling like a lost butterfly... I really am worried about my Chemistry EE.. just could not seem not have any progress. Its already the night before Monday. Im off the hospital again tommorrow. Hope things will go well.

I never want to ever go where I have been. The dark wall that once clouded my mind and prison me in my own head. I never ever want to go there anymore. Talk about the overwhelming stress level. Lolz...

I can do this... i know i can. Step by step Diana.. you can do it. :) <3

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Okay.... let me get this out. I realised something though. It seems i getting detached from my english class. Yes.. that's it. I felt quite offended that no one wanted to partner me to ask questions. Am I that boring? Yes... unfortunately i feel so too. I am quite boring and not interesting. I just feel like i actualy belong in the class. Sincerely i really thing Ms Shereen is pissed off with me. I really don't know what to do. I feel like an outcast and outsider. I feel like dissapearing!~ I refuse to be there anymore. That does not seem to be an option, I'll just have to suck it up and live with it. I can make it... i know i can. You know what, it does not really matter anymore i'll just blend in. Same goes with my mentor. I feel detached from her too but i have accepted it. Just need her support on my confidential report. :)
I shall accept my defeat this time. My english oral went down the hole. Not that i just fluked it... it just pulverise itself without my help. I knew i was underprepared. Not to mention that i didn't even followed the format, also.. I have a bastard for a classmate. 'Lucky' me.

So, let bygone be bygone. I'll catch up somehow. It will be one way or the other. I know I can do this. This mean that i have to work up on my essay and english test paper. Oral is not going to of any help. It used to be but now... i have to depend on my own creativity and skills. English is not hard.

My chemistry supervisor asked about my EE. Asking me whether am I not worried. Of course i am worried. My EE has been swimming in my head since forever. Someone asked me this though, did you regret taking Chemistry EE? Well... up to a certain point, not really... I want to do this. I really and actually do. I just need that one spark of inspiration... the movation, the out of the box, the thrill and I am there. I don't care what other people say. I know I can..
* in a state of denial ... lol.. *

I have to constantly remind myself to do things one at a time and not get myself overwhelmed. Actually... i realise i have lived such a simple life. I have no boyfriends to mess with my head, no excessive family problem, no heavy financial problem, a slight setback *ITP*... i guess... but so far... life is fairly good.

I just didn't take a step back and look at it. I mean... i am just another normal human being. Funny to be realising all this now. However, my priority is still my priority. I have my responsibility. Yes... i am a scholarship holder hence i bet they want me to be the best i can be but not try to kill myself in the process.

I must do what i can do... and to the best i can. Live up to my own expectation. As long as i don't break any law nor hurt other people in the process. Im cool. My parents are ever so supportive. For the first time in my life... i felt like... i am allowed to experience a setback. I really hope that this would catapult me to my future success. I live for me now... and just become what I am destined too. God has planned everything for me... i think that i'll just have to enjoy the ride and take things at it is...

Long live me!~

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Wanting desperately to finish my assginments, catch up and move on. EE is still haunting me. Have I not have enough confidence in doing so? I want to do my EE well... a bit too excited i might say but i have no focus. All i know is that i all revolves around dyes.


English Oral is today, just finished extracting relevant information. I wonder how am i going to blabber for 5 minutes and then take on some question. I hate being the target. I encountered an amusing question today, if there were a prom and religion does not play a factor, who would i go with in my batch. No name is to be mentioned though. I want someone funny to accompany me. Since dancing is so out of the way, laughing and eating would be good. Lolz

My classmate is heading to Japan!~ So excited for her. I really hope she has great time and take some photos of any hot Japan guy. Lolz!~

You know there is something about teachers that have led me to have my own personal opinion. Its not really a judgement because you don't hear from the other side of the party, the teacher i mean. I know they mean good but sometimes you just can't help being a bit jealous. Me for instance... jealousy has been a part of me for quite sometime but now i choose to let go and take things as they are. Insyallah i am able to keep up with this. It left me with a feeling of me being appeased with myself. I am much a happier person now... i can even think clearly and understand things better. Let the water run its course they say.

It does not matter how slow i go... its the matter of me getting there. Let me be the underdog for once and enjoy it.

Can't help but feeling like i want to dig myself into a bowl of carbonara speghetti right now. Yum2!~

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Woke up early trying to finish up my biology report. Woke up at approximately 4.30 am. Fair amount of sleep i guess but I always get sleepy after 6.00 am. I wonder why.

The fact that i am still clueless about chemistry and math... and also bio, i want to catch up. I got 2 for Math Quiz... ehe.. *sweatdrops* Easy do it Diana. One by one. It doesn't matter how slow or how fast i get there... the point is, i must get there. Daas and Syahmi is a pain in the ass... like always.

Bio lab was a killer. I swear that I didn't do so well filling in the jotter. Jotter is not my forte. English oral is coming soon. Im scared!~ but I know I can do it. Easy does it. :)

I know i have a lot of things to do... and I will do it. Miss family so much. They are truly my backbone. Tonight's plan, homework + concepts.

Diana Fighting!~

Monday, July 27, 2009

First day of school seemed to be in a daze. Everything was rushing by just like that ignoring me in the process. It was something that I could live without and not miss. However after pain stakingly trying to survive in the first year i thought it would be a waste if I decided to give up on it.

My father's advice : Just hold on and don't kill yourself.

Math class was 'fun' - Math quiz, with such a clueless mind who could answer all that. I didn't even finish my tutorials for God's sake.

Up to date and time, there are a lot of things to do or think about. BMS IA due in 2 weeks and i still have nothing. Business is not my main muse it seems. Along with my Chemistry EE. Nagging at the back of my head and yet could not even sit on it. Understanding math concept... I still wonder whether I am still allowed to see the teacher, she said go with your tutor. But my tutor is busy as a bee!~ Haih... i can complain over and over and over again. Sleep over it and wake up with another headache. Might as well face it right?

However I have my health to be considering about. I'll be dissapearing once in a while to the hospital. Ah... the beauty of being sick to miss my classes but the pain is trying to catch up. Catching up in this catastrophy world is not an easy thing I might say.

By the way, I truly have a pain in the ass hell of a classmate. My other classamate gave me a good advice though. Ignore him, that is what he wants. Hell, we got Business Presentation for God sake. Yes, I am being paranoid. Being lost and not knowing anything does not really paint a pretty picture you know.

Taking it step by step... one by one.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

F-A-L-L

After the mindblowing breakdown. I guess I took my body down with me too. I landed myself in the hospital not knowing what was the cause. Obviously I didn't commit suicide. My body was doing it for me. FOC.

My white blood cell went haywire, it destroyed my platelets along the way. The dauting feeling of being afraid to actually move. Afraid of internal bleeding or brain hemmorage. I was lucky i suppose. I was lucky enough to avoid the bone marrow extraction surgery.

However, it seems that i have yet successfully created another prison for me. The medication I am on doesn't leave me to be fit as fiddle as i used too. I fell, then i fall again, and again... and again. I don't know when i am going to resurface. I feel like im drowning. Slowly. Losing my breath as i go along. Too weak to hold on. I feel empty.

There are so much going around my head now. Worries and concerns, future and what lies in front. I only have so little and to be giving my all it does not seem to be possible. People say i have to start to let go. Let go of what? I am not even holding anything.

Before this my concern went all to my studies, I have ignored my emotional health, physical health, all kinds of health that i had just to grasp on the reality of being an IB student. The dream i wanted to reach so much now seems to be too far to reach. Im wondering whether I'll even make it to the finish line. I wanted to be the best i can be.

Becoming a scholarship holder, using money that is not even mine. I feel like im holding such a huge responsibility that i could not even fathom. Im scared that i'll be wasting all this money and i am not doing what i am suppose to do.

I don't like to rely on people, I believe in being independant but now dependence is all i have. I am just lying on the abyss trying to sit but i can't even pull my body up. I am definitely tired. Giving up is not one of the option. I am scared to go back. Im scared i won't survive at all. I'll just be the average student i am. I am not going to chase anymore. I am definitely tired.

I have a new plan now. Concentrate of the concept, focusing on time management, and my portfolios. Ignore all the hurtful words and just brace it, face it... and dance with it. I am just going to let it go and come what may. I here.

First Up

My first official blog account.