Thursday, July 30, 2009

Wanting desperately to finish my assginments, catch up and move on. EE is still haunting me. Have I not have enough confidence in doing so? I want to do my EE well... a bit too excited i might say but i have no focus. All i know is that i all revolves around dyes.


English Oral is today, just finished extracting relevant information. I wonder how am i going to blabber for 5 minutes and then take on some question. I hate being the target. I encountered an amusing question today, if there were a prom and religion does not play a factor, who would i go with in my batch. No name is to be mentioned though. I want someone funny to accompany me. Since dancing is so out of the way, laughing and eating would be good. Lolz

My classmate is heading to Japan!~ So excited for her. I really hope she has great time and take some photos of any hot Japan guy. Lolz!~

You know there is something about teachers that have led me to have my own personal opinion. Its not really a judgement because you don't hear from the other side of the party, the teacher i mean. I know they mean good but sometimes you just can't help being a bit jealous. Me for instance... jealousy has been a part of me for quite sometime but now i choose to let go and take things as they are. Insyallah i am able to keep up with this. It left me with a feeling of me being appeased with myself. I am much a happier person now... i can even think clearly and understand things better. Let the water run its course they say.

It does not matter how slow i go... its the matter of me getting there. Let me be the underdog for once and enjoy it.

Can't help but feeling like i want to dig myself into a bowl of carbonara speghetti right now. Yum2!~

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Woke up early trying to finish up my biology report. Woke up at approximately 4.30 am. Fair amount of sleep i guess but I always get sleepy after 6.00 am. I wonder why.

The fact that i am still clueless about chemistry and math... and also bio, i want to catch up. I got 2 for Math Quiz... ehe.. *sweatdrops* Easy do it Diana. One by one. It doesn't matter how slow or how fast i get there... the point is, i must get there. Daas and Syahmi is a pain in the ass... like always.

Bio lab was a killer. I swear that I didn't do so well filling in the jotter. Jotter is not my forte. English oral is coming soon. Im scared!~ but I know I can do it. Easy does it. :)

I know i have a lot of things to do... and I will do it. Miss family so much. They are truly my backbone. Tonight's plan, homework + concepts.

Diana Fighting!~

Monday, July 27, 2009

First day of school seemed to be in a daze. Everything was rushing by just like that ignoring me in the process. It was something that I could live without and not miss. However after pain stakingly trying to survive in the first year i thought it would be a waste if I decided to give up on it.

My father's advice : Just hold on and don't kill yourself.

Math class was 'fun' - Math quiz, with such a clueless mind who could answer all that. I didn't even finish my tutorials for God's sake.

Up to date and time, there are a lot of things to do or think about. BMS IA due in 2 weeks and i still have nothing. Business is not my main muse it seems. Along with my Chemistry EE. Nagging at the back of my head and yet could not even sit on it. Understanding math concept... I still wonder whether I am still allowed to see the teacher, she said go with your tutor. But my tutor is busy as a bee!~ Haih... i can complain over and over and over again. Sleep over it and wake up with another headache. Might as well face it right?

However I have my health to be considering about. I'll be dissapearing once in a while to the hospital. Ah... the beauty of being sick to miss my classes but the pain is trying to catch up. Catching up in this catastrophy world is not an easy thing I might say.

By the way, I truly have a pain in the ass hell of a classmate. My other classamate gave me a good advice though. Ignore him, that is what he wants. Hell, we got Business Presentation for God sake. Yes, I am being paranoid. Being lost and not knowing anything does not really paint a pretty picture you know.

Taking it step by step... one by one.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

F-A-L-L

After the mindblowing breakdown. I guess I took my body down with me too. I landed myself in the hospital not knowing what was the cause. Obviously I didn't commit suicide. My body was doing it for me. FOC.

My white blood cell went haywire, it destroyed my platelets along the way. The dauting feeling of being afraid to actually move. Afraid of internal bleeding or brain hemmorage. I was lucky i suppose. I was lucky enough to avoid the bone marrow extraction surgery.

However, it seems that i have yet successfully created another prison for me. The medication I am on doesn't leave me to be fit as fiddle as i used too. I fell, then i fall again, and again... and again. I don't know when i am going to resurface. I feel like im drowning. Slowly. Losing my breath as i go along. Too weak to hold on. I feel empty.

There are so much going around my head now. Worries and concerns, future and what lies in front. I only have so little and to be giving my all it does not seem to be possible. People say i have to start to let go. Let go of what? I am not even holding anything.

Before this my concern went all to my studies, I have ignored my emotional health, physical health, all kinds of health that i had just to grasp on the reality of being an IB student. The dream i wanted to reach so much now seems to be too far to reach. Im wondering whether I'll even make it to the finish line. I wanted to be the best i can be.

Becoming a scholarship holder, using money that is not even mine. I feel like im holding such a huge responsibility that i could not even fathom. Im scared that i'll be wasting all this money and i am not doing what i am suppose to do.

I don't like to rely on people, I believe in being independant but now dependence is all i have. I am just lying on the abyss trying to sit but i can't even pull my body up. I am definitely tired. Giving up is not one of the option. I am scared to go back. Im scared i won't survive at all. I'll just be the average student i am. I am not going to chase anymore. I am definitely tired.

I have a new plan now. Concentrate of the concept, focusing on time management, and my portfolios. Ignore all the hurtful words and just brace it, face it... and dance with it. I am just going to let it go and come what may. I here.

First Up

My first official blog account.