Saturday, July 25, 2009

F-A-L-L

After the mindblowing breakdown. I guess I took my body down with me too. I landed myself in the hospital not knowing what was the cause. Obviously I didn't commit suicide. My body was doing it for me. FOC.

My white blood cell went haywire, it destroyed my platelets along the way. The dauting feeling of being afraid to actually move. Afraid of internal bleeding or brain hemmorage. I was lucky i suppose. I was lucky enough to avoid the bone marrow extraction surgery.

However, it seems that i have yet successfully created another prison for me. The medication I am on doesn't leave me to be fit as fiddle as i used too. I fell, then i fall again, and again... and again. I don't know when i am going to resurface. I feel like im drowning. Slowly. Losing my breath as i go along. Too weak to hold on. I feel empty.

There are so much going around my head now. Worries and concerns, future and what lies in front. I only have so little and to be giving my all it does not seem to be possible. People say i have to start to let go. Let go of what? I am not even holding anything.

Before this my concern went all to my studies, I have ignored my emotional health, physical health, all kinds of health that i had just to grasp on the reality of being an IB student. The dream i wanted to reach so much now seems to be too far to reach. Im wondering whether I'll even make it to the finish line. I wanted to be the best i can be.

Becoming a scholarship holder, using money that is not even mine. I feel like im holding such a huge responsibility that i could not even fathom. Im scared that i'll be wasting all this money and i am not doing what i am suppose to do.

I don't like to rely on people, I believe in being independant but now dependence is all i have. I am just lying on the abyss trying to sit but i can't even pull my body up. I am definitely tired. Giving up is not one of the option. I am scared to go back. Im scared i won't survive at all. I'll just be the average student i am. I am not going to chase anymore. I am definitely tired.

I have a new plan now. Concentrate of the concept, focusing on time management, and my portfolios. Ignore all the hurtful words and just brace it, face it... and dance with it. I am just going to let it go and come what may. I here.

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