Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Just Really A 'Maybe'

When I first built a determination of becoming a doctor.. like any other cliche answers was... 'I want to make a difference'.

How far?... Now, that is the real question.


Well... things that I remembered.. instances where it has prompted me to venture and try to be in Medicine was a commercial ad and a movie.

The commercial was about a boy who wrapped his teddy bear's with bandages and made his parents proud. I guess I wanted to be just like that. To make my parents proud.

The movie was on another hand was about this war... muslim was involved. Totally a Malay movie but I can't remember the title. There was bombing everywhere.. and distinctively.. I remembered black butterflies. That was an impact.



Then, knowing the knowledge that I know now.. even if its not much but I want to give a helping hand. I may not be great with religion knowledge. Not as much as my friends and maybe really not much at all... but I do wish that someday, I will get an opportunity to be of use in the Muslim Lands. Like, for instances.. work in Afghanistan, Palestine or the sorts. Allah knows they in dire need of good doctors.

However, sometimes I am concerned whether my drive to become someone useful would well.. these things need sacrifices right. What sacrifices it would take? I can only imagine... but to do it the great ultimatum right?

I may not be a good daie, or a good examplary person or even a good servant of Allah.. but I want to do this. Give my service, my skills and my knowledge. At least once. Maybe, I could be on the next trip to Palestine one day and give my service as a doctor.

And maybe die.


Ahh.. im scared already.

But.. somewhere deep, really deep. I want to do this. Then, beocming a doctor would be, for me, satisfactory and the purpose is served. Right? People say, becoming a doctor, in a war zone with limited supply... is really what a doctor is. (What century am I living in!! o.0? )

It needs skills.



Please remember, this is just what I merely thought... the question of will I ever do it... remains a question. But, if it really do happen. I'll let you know.


Hopefully, it does.


:)

Fazed...

That's it.. this bad sleeping pattern is starting to take its toll. I mean really. Its bad for your health and its bad for your complexion. Even my behavior is starting to crack.... or was it the coffee?

Anyways, can't wait for classes to start. (I think i am going to regret saying it.. ). Im bored and my brain cell is depleting every second that passes by. Need to exercise my brain (and body). -_-!

Furthermore... whether we realise it or not obligations makes us a more disciplined person. At least thats what it does to me.


On a final note... i just can't believe im 20 already. Really. I would like to think that I am not that old. Its not the aging part that is bothering me... its just that.. where did my youth went to? Life is short.

Seems like yesterday that I asked my mother to make me some milk - I was 3 years old and I remembered that my milk was the blue 'Dutch Lady'.



I wanna be a kid again.


:)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Shoot Your Targets

As a Muslim... I am aware that we must have targets in our lives. Life is actually unpredictable but hey... there is always "sync or swim" and even "fight or flight" situations... Humans mostly are programmed that way.

So, whenever you go to a confidence building session... they would always ask you to state your goal. What you want to achieve in life and the sorts... That got me thinking.. always.


Yes2, I know and I've heard that I think too much. Too much for my own good. Can't even enjoy the ride of life... plain and boring. Yadda2.. bla2.. but hey, no one is going think for you.. so might as well that you think for yourself. Ur not wasting anyone's energy anyways... -_-!



So, straight to the point… What do I want or plan anyways?


Timeline : 21 - 30 (Too early to think about mid-life crisis isn’t it?)

21-25 -Be very studious in terms of medicine and religion, be like a super-sucking sponge… seeking every valuable knowledge that would lead me to become the most super –efficient doctor.
* does anyone notice the enthusiasm? ^.^! *

- Be very optimistic and jovial, always smiling even through hardship and B-days, P-days and M-days.

- Enjoy life and travel and do all the wonderful things that youth can offer.

- Savings for future investments.

- Graduate with Honors in Medicine.

~~~~~~~

26-27 - Get married!? 'The "!?" sign shows I want but can I???'
(My sis married at 24. Hey, I have pressure here... although my parents would most likely say NO)

- Face through housemanship, MO, untrusting looks from patients, drama and well… (these are the only things I can think of… you wanna know the real deal, wait for another 5 years )

- Sucking every valuable experience and tiring time as an intern and all the crap that comes along with it. They say… the more crap you get, the better doctor you are. I am not sure whether im ready for this... @_@

~~~~~~~

28-30-Get married!? (Just in case I don’t fit in the above timeline… hey, I want a lot of kids alright, so bugger off)

-Face bosses and career politics ( You just can’t run away from it can you.. -_-! )

-Perform Umrah/Haji .

-Face mid-life crisis and maybe pursue my Masters Degree.

~~~~~~~

30 -??
For all we know… I may not even reach the age of 21, 0.0…
*insert cricket sound effect here*

~~~~~~~


Right... so.

For anyone who is reading this… doesn’t this seem too far-fetched?

I guess it goes by, ‘When you fail to plan... you are planning to fail’. Life is a onetime deal only. So by playing it adhering to the rule of The Creator, we should be a-okay.

Anyways… we can only plan life but who makes it happen is always Allah. I don’t know what the future holds for me but we have to always have good thought about what Allah has planned for us. What he planned is always the best even though it does not make sense at the time.

Things happen for a reason.


:)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Imagine This

Sometimes... even the happiest person on Earth would want this.

A caccoon. (Is that how you spell it?)


I wish for it now. Right now. Literally.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Randomness....

Today is my last day of work. Genap 3 and 3/4 month bekerja sebagai junior account executive. Walau sebenarnya hanyalah kuli... but an experience is still an experience no matter at what angle you look at it. I am thankful for eventhough I groan every morning like any other random teenager... I don't hop off the bed and psych myself to go to work.

Most of my mornings are accompanied by,
1. Slammin the alram clock + groaning
2. "Jap!~ Lagi 5 minit!~"
3. Groaning in my blanket "Malasnye nak pergi kerja!~"
4. "Kakak (my maid), tolong gosok tudung nih"
5. "Kereta kat mana?"
6. "Alamak... dah lambat!"

Yes. Its like that. -_-!~

Looking back at it... lawak jugak... but what can you expect eyh? Of course, sometimes we all have to be more responsible and more professional. Work is work. Kalau tak, halal ker duit gaji kita dapat tuh?

However, this brings me back to the first thing I did when I got the job. Bayar zakat pendapatan. Haha.. i know that this is like the last thing that any young adult(Are we still a teenager?) would think of but I did. Concious must right? Tapi.... after I went to calculate the zakat - it turned out to be... Tak layak pun. Gaji sikit sangat. Buat lawak jer.


But its the thought that counts.


Anyways, work was fine when it comes to the ending. Met so many type of people and their behavior and well i made this up 'When you drive absent mindly, you get to new places, aka - sesat'. But I know better now. My KL driving is 10x more better then before. I wont' forget my boss. A very sensible kind of lady who don't mind whacking people up when they need it. Seriously.

Btw, growing up... I always question myself. Why was I not born a male? I used to think that if I was a boy... it would please my dad more. I acted like one. Dressed like one but i guess when you are a girl, you still are a girl. Males have more responsibility that I know I couldn't carry. Im better off as a girl. :P

So now im in my 'preparing to go oversea' phase. I know other people have minimal time to get ready and next thing you know, whoosh and off they go. I still here counting my days and wondering whether I will get through. I think I am collecting dust in my brain and need some grease to sort it out. KMB changed me. Now I can't even look at an academic book in the house. The house feels like it doesn't have the 'you have to study' vibe.

You know, there are few things that I am not good at. One noteably, I am not good at saying goodbye. I act like everything would be fine but I can't ... I don't know.. display the feelings when parting. The pain comes afterward. I tend to be stone-rock when saying goodbye but please do understand, relationship with close ones is upmost important to me. Im just never good with words and feelings. Its a bit messed up.

Thing about moving foward is... sometimes, someone is bound to be left behind and dissapear. I did it to others... others did it to me. So, its karma. In another word, circle of life. Im saying this because... in life you meet so many people that of course in present they mean the world to you and yet as time pass by... they just disspear with time, moving on, on their own.

Im not saying its a bad thing... but its just the way it is. I don't know if you have super-memory but i can't remember who was my best friend in kindergarden. Do you? Another thing is... when you separate to different places... it takes effort to maintain the relationship (friendship) that you cherish a lot.

But overtime... I take peace in understanding that I can't be holding people down with me... to always be in constant communication with me... to always remember me. Yes, we fade with memory and dirt (when you die). So, i guess... the saying "you never know what you have until you lose it" goes a long way.

Then, by this, its actually important to live in the moment and make the other people know and realise that they are important to you. Even if its just with a reassuring smile, i guess it would be enough.

Facebook don't cut it. Really.

So I would question again, do people really do notice that we care and that they are important to us? If you are with me, sorry... you won't get it verbally. I don't say it. I would just be there and that I think, is the most proper way. Not only by words.




I am looking forward to the future with hopes that it would be better than my past. :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Are We Lying to Ourselves?

Its one things to lie... but its another to lie to ourselves. I am not sure in what direction is this topic going to bring me... but its something that I have pondered upon.

Am I lying to myself? Are you lying to yourself?

In fact... I don't know. Hypocrasy? Maybe... but humans can't avoid that right? Because humans are ever-dynamic and changing.

I don't know.

Maybe the phrase is more co-incidental with 'Am I kidding myself?'. A state of disbelief.

I do not know how many barrels of courage i need... but I sure need it fast. Like pronto. The feeling of sick in the gut and unnerving... is well, not really fun. But I'll just have to suck it in and face it.

Reality.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Moreoften Than Not

Sebenarnye... selalu je rasa like suffacating and miserable. Moreoften than not... I will sink to the deep abyss and well... float again. Macam org cakap, 'Iman tu, naik dan turun". For someone like me, rasanya macam lebih turun selalu than naik. -_-!
Tapi.. its not good to always bersangka buruk... bersangka buruk dgn diri sendiri lagila... bunyi cam takde confidence lansung.

Siapa kata nak change tu easy. Although ppl say, (ataupun saya dgr kat iklan HBO tuh, 'The only constant thing in urlife IS change').. tapi hakikatnye... berubah itu susah. Nak berubah jahat?? Mak oii... senang giler. Mana tak nyer.... setan2 berkeliaran.. buzzing around our heads worst than those dang mosquitoes kat forest tuh.

Nak change jadi baik. Like the quote yg sudah embed dlm otak nih sejak primary school. 'If there is a will... there is a way'. Tapi, bila dah kena penangan the social norm.. mulalah nak teragak2. Kadang2, rasa macam kita kena act tak main pusing jer. Like we don't care what other people say.

Ultimately, siapa yang kita patut kisah pandanganya ialah the Great Mighty Allah. Tapi.. selemah2 iman yang lagi nipis dari udara nih.. hebat gak. Rasa nak give up jer most of the time. Takdela give up like resort back to what I was... tapi give up to actually take a step further. Ibarat macam kata nak diet... tapi selang dua hari.. dah crash diet tu. Macam tulah.

Tapi... perasaan yang paling best lepas dah lama lepak dgn kawan2 kat KMB ialah Allah tetap dan masih sayangkan saya.

Ceritanya begini.

Masa kat KMB, berpaut kepada roomate yang tersayang... setelah dibasuh oleh classmate tersayang... adala... bukak hati ni nak change my life sikit... adelah belajar benda2 baru... and of course know about Him more.

Dalam liat, tak liat tuh... adalah seret kaki ni gi surau kat blok... gi surau besar tuh... takdelah nak gi jaulah. Ultimately cuz... well.. 1st tak sure benda tuh (I am so sorry that I have doubts).. 2nd, sbb mama mmg tak bagi. Takkan nak lawan ckp mak kot. Kat surau, lepas terlambat satu tahun... sebenarnya, tazkirah tu best gak.. tapi biasala perempuan... nak ikut perfect timing, mmg terlajak. Pompuan mmg suka borak. :P

Lama2... constant jugak amal yg dibuat. Mainly because saya seorg yang suka plan. Consistency. Saya mmg cam tuh. Kalau plan nak tidor kul 10.00pm. Mmg saya akan tidur. Sbb... masa tuh dlm jadual confirm ada bangun qiam & study. So... life kat KMB mmg teratur for me. I know.. that at least adalaa jugak kawan2 yang tolong remindkan.

Pastu, adela moments yang jiwang. Realization that actually diri ini sebenarnya lansung tak setanding dgn sesiapa pon. Taraf mmg baik rendah punya. Tapi... hanya in several aspectlaa... rasa cam tak perlu explain lebih2. Sendiri faham sudeyh.

Lepas keluar KMB... rasanya macam kosong semacam. Mmg kosong pon... itupun isi dgn hanya baca2 blog org. (Thanks korang.. at least adela jugak material) Lepas tu.. lagi parah. Nafsu kat jiwa nih tak duduk diam. Ibarat - driving me up the wall -. Kadang2 benci gak diri nih sbb mcm tu tapi ntah.. mmg cam tuh. Adelah tahan seminggu dua.. pastuh crash balik. Pathetickan?

Anyways... rasa mcm Allah tu nak bagi saya bukak mata kot.. sbb tu dia bagi saya kerja. At least takdelaa byk sgt lagha. Tapi.. adela a knock on reality. Susah kot. Bila dah kerja nih. Semua kena bayar sendiri. Wow. Payah jugak sebenarnye.... bila imagine dah betu2 kerja... hurm. Tapi sebenarnye... rezeki itu cukup jer... its whether kita nak suitkan diri kita dgn rezeki yg ada atau berpura2 tak sedar, dan inginkan lebih. Terutamanya manusia ini tamak... saya pun included.

And then bantai pulak dgn environment yang 'cenggitu'. Kalau kita dalam group social kita sendiri... senangla nak navigate. Bila dah tercampak kat reality dunia sebenar... Cuak mau dibuatnye. Ada siapa berani nak stand up dgn boss. Beggers can't be choosers... but you can choose to be a begger or not. Ini adalah dilemma yang kadang2 saya fikir bila nak masuk alam bekerja nanti... sbb of course... mula2 tuh.. option is not a choice. Lagi2 jadi oversea grad. Nanti balik M'sia mesti kena basuh bersih ngan senior doc.

Ini sbnnyer.. mcm dah off topic... Sory.

Okay2, berbalik - Dalam terumbang ambing camnih... adela saya singgah kedai buku. tak terbukak lansung hati ini nak gi belek buku2 agama. Adala jeling2... sbb mmg culture beli buku nih kureng sikit dlm family saya. Yang ada hanya knowledge based... related to religion tu ada... tapi parents I punyala. Thats all.

Bila dah i enforce nak beli... pastu ngan janji nak bayar balik. Barula buku tu boleh angkut balik. Hahah... tapi mak saya tu nanti dia ckp... "tak yah, pakai je duit tu gi isi minyak kereta" . Bestkan mak saya. Saya mmg syg mak saya. So deal with it. Namun begitu, buku yang diangkut balik itu bukanlah buku agama... tetapi buku cerita.

Terbaikkan. Buku cerita vs buku agama. Like I said. Allah tetap dan masih sayangkan saya. Sbb buku cerita tu menyebabkan saya tulis post ini. Buku cerita nih mmg boleh cucuk hati sayalah... tak tau macam mana nak explain. But whatever it is... it drives me to go a step further. Everything in that book buat saya nak berubah sgt2. Presentation wise.. mmg style. Cuz im a story book reader. Allah knows me so well... sampai dia tahu cara nak gerakkan hati saya. Through a storybook.

Does any human knows how to do that to me? I doubt it.

Mmg style. Terbaik.

Of course... senang ckp tapi tak senang buat. Ya Allah... tlgla sabarkan hati hambamu ini.. nak ckp meniarap pun rasa nak sampai lagi. -_-!.

Jadi... saya rasa Allah mmg sgt sayangkan saya. I think He really miss me a lot. Yelah.. dah jarang dating tgh2 malam. So subtly, dia tergerakkan hati utk i beli buku cerita itu dan rasa begini. Infromation and reference dlm buku tu cukup for me to google and read (belum buat tetapi akan, insyallah) Haih.. susahla nak explain.

Btw... saya tak pernah ada bf.... but whatever it is... i think the feeling superseade the feelings btw mortals. Best kot. ( I tau I tgh perasan... so let me be. :P )

And again... nak jadi baik ni.. susah. Nak kena kuat sikit. Jihad terbesar ialah lawan nafsukan? Hah.. tak yah gi perang2... duk rumah lawan nafsu dulu. Kiranya... baby steps la nih.. cuba balik pada rutin amal masa di KMB dan seterusnya perbaiki and maju lebih kehadapan. Its hard but its not impossible. Saya nih.. nak kena tegarkan jiwa nih sikit. Dia manja sikit dengan saya... so i guess kena tough it up a bit.


On a final note... Versus - Hlovate - mmg cintan cintun. Tak deny pun. Tapi, its just the trigger but not the explosion. It meets more than the eye. It goes straight to ur heart. Habis menangis di buatnye.. sampai tak tidor. Style. Me likey. Hehe. :)




Alamak.. dah jadi mcm promoter la pulak.

:P

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sense of Senseless

Have you ever been pondering about things and reminder comes to you just like that. For example, while flipping the channels,picking up the magazines or even hearing it on the radio.

Things have happened.. and I know... will happen and yet I feel helpless. In a position where I can't be doing nor saying anything because then, it would be rude. Although the intentions are there... and yet I can't do anything but just to hold back.

Of course, the weakest Iman of all is to hold back and hate the action.

I would admit that I am not proud of what happened (still happening??)... but when Allah really gives his best to help by allowing me to see the reminders... I feel like I am important to Him. Regardless of how very insignificant I am. Reminders coming to me like bullets, forcing me to wake up and realize my mistake... that at one point i just thought...

'If people who are receving reminders and the right pathway simply ignores it... then it is actually them who are more blind than actual blind people themselves'

Then it scares me. Until when would Allah care about me to remind me? Of course He would never give up on us. I've seen it with my own eyes. The company im working for is a small company but the owners, I don't know.. maybe have a little disadvantage in the knowledge of religion... but I guess because they are generally nice people, Allah still in his own subtle ways try to remind them of Him. Apparently, our only stable client is an Haji/Religion related company... hence, do you see?. Its like knocking in their face. I really hope that they would get the Hidayah before its too late.

(Actually on the contrary... I know we are small and quite insignificant compared to anything at all but I feel somehow we are his greatest creation, so actually, we are very significant to him... isnt' it? Otherwise... he wouldn't even bother giving subtle reminders right?? - just musing about the things i've learn about how insignificant we are )

Anyways... when you longed for someone to appreciate and look at you. He already is and you don't really have to look far...


As a perfectly normal person with flaw... there are moments that I feel unjustified... unappreciative of what I have. Human complains... and I am a part of that too. However, I just have to keep reminding myself, that what I am and what I have is already better than most people around the world and I should be thankful.

I have to constantly remind myself that everything would be alright.

Insyallah.

:)

Friday, October 22, 2010

About Presents

When talking about presents... most would think of the fancy stuff with ribbons and lace. Some stars and hearts gift paper wrappings, chocolates and of course, mugs. Not forgetting teddy bears and what not. I mean.. for my age group. At this stage.. if you are rich enough then maybe a Burberry bag is ample enough.

However back to the main point... Actually I would like to share what I would like for presents. I am not hinting anything here.. but after you pass the age of 20.. I would prefer something more practical actually.

I for once.. dreamt of getting a set of blenders and juice extractor as a birthday gift. I think thats practical. Or a bamboo weaved laundry basket. Of course as you can see... the price for each item the out of the question. Its just a thought really.

In a nutshell... I would actually prefer a practical gift then just teddy bear and flowers and mugs. For example, a good book with a personal note and a slit in dry flower would already bring smile. I think that is a good gift.

But the best gift of all is when they come out of sincerity of the giver. Anything handmade actually... but I can't apply that to me.. because my craftsmenship is BAD. So, I choose to be practical.

By the way, just the other day I went out with my friends. Coincidently, she was actually looking for a wedding present. After final deliberation.. she picked out a RM100 photo album. I just told her, "Wan, please don't buy me a photo album for my wedding present". and she replied "No, don't worry I know you like practical gift".

Practical gift are the best. At least you know that, you or them will at least use it for maybe a couple of years rather than being kept in dust and thrown away like junk. Even if its from thier sincere heart.

Please don't get offended. I do appreciate every single gift that comes my way.. I'm just talking about practicality. :)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

In A Coconut Shell

Nope... this is not about having to write the wrong idiom in any circumstances. Lately.... I just have no substance to write. Most of the time I really have to agree with myself (after a tiresome debate), that actually, my post is kinda useless. True isn't it?

Anyways.. I always have considered myself to be living in a coconut shell... because I can never really keep up with the world. Too fast paced. Nobody ever stops and smell the roses anymore. They are just too concern with the unpicked dog poop. Somehow there is some sense of truth in this, isn't it?

Always to have caught up with responsibily and always trying to give your best only to realise that at the end of the day, life is actually too short. Only those lucky ones would realise it... but I guess you would have to clear your mind to even let that line of thought to penetrate your brain processing unit.

Have anyone ever thought that less is actually more. In business or aesthetics its called a minimalist concept. I've came across a dish called 'Minimalist Burger' (Disclaimer : I do not create nor own this particular dish. It respectifully belongs to the expensive restaurant in which I have forgotten the name). Its just a beef patty with 4 squirts of different sauce around it. True to its name, it is minimalist.

However, the cost of such thing would take 1/4 of my salary... in which I refuse to disclose... but you can imagine how expensive it is. But, back to my main point. Less is more. In fact, this statement are true in some ways but totally defies in another point.

Bad points.
1. I do not agree with less clothing on human beings... especially the females. I feel like they have been exploited and used without realising consciously of the outcomes. Although it is a 'right', but in the long run it aint good actually. You'd be prone to skin cancer - with this global warming and all... but I think most would understand why Im saying this.

2. 'Less is more' is not true when you apply to the sickly condition of poverty. We need more. Actually.. i've heard somewhere that the food in this world is actually enough for every human being. You don't believe me? Just go and check your garbage. Im pretty sure there are some rotten leftovers. Think about it.

3. I don't believe that 'less is more' appropriate in terms of our good deeds. There should be more good deeds and less plotting to get richer while killing someone else in the process. Really, I think human in general sometimes have a glitch in their brain and yet they blame only the computers do.


HOWEVER

Good Points
1. 'Less is more' is good when you have less lipids on your body. I mean.. hey I am seriously applying this to myself. I acknowledge it and Im dealing with it. So, shoo!~. Anyways, a good health is always the best thing to have. Prevention is better than medication. Poor Mr. Liver I tell you!~ I would strive to live a more healthy lifesytle once I reach Aussie. Really!~ :3

2. Less is more when there would be less deceit and lie and wrath and all the negative things in this world... but most of the time, we don't even realise it when we alias'ed with Mr. Bad2... Truly, with the less of Mr Bad2's influence the world would truly be at a more happy place. But, I guess thats why we have Heaven and Hell.

3. Also, less is more when you can learn to love yourself more and be confident. Yes, maybe we are less beautiful than the other person. Or maybe, we are just a tad less intelligent than that person... but hey, what makes a human a person and not just some bionical machine is the "less part" of you. You are unique. Don't lose yourself... the diamond is in you.


So, by living in this coconut shell of mine. I have to admit that I haven't ventured far yet... or maybe worse didn't even move. =_=!~ but, these are my point of views.

Let it be ne?

:)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Uncommon Life

As opposed to be become the most knowledgable person in Medicine, I have ventured into something which is totally opposite of it. Business.

Yes, I have learnt it before. Application wise? Well, seems that in reality those theory is not really applicable. Its more to you understanding it and implementing it but really, you don't walk into the office and start to talk about motivational theories.

Its a subconcious thing.

In the end... it is actually how you deal with it. If you got a nasty bos, deal with it. Its not getting any better. He is who he is. His better part of life has been that way and no way jose' is that going to change. Not from you at least. If you got a reasonable bos, then please thank Allah and not your lucky stars.

My take on my current working experiences have made me muse about several things. My boss and (ex??)- colleague said that I was too nice and can be taken advantages on. Me being nice? Hahaha... really? I am definitely polite but nice? Hurm... let me take on a rain check.

I don't curse.. so much.

I don't know... I live by the laws of my religion. If people wants to take advantage of me, without me realising it. Allah is always there.

Prayers of those whose being taken advantages of will be granted by Allah. Pretty much, I don't really have to worry. The only thing I have to worry is the quality of my prayers in which I really think is depleting every seconds that passes by. I have to make sure my good deeds are more than my sins.

I call it an addiction. The only thing that can cure it is to keep me occupied, a distraction away from it. In which is quite impossible. That's why I work. The real reason actually... other than to get extra cash of course.

However, talking about cash. I so do not make much... but i guess its enough. It is because... I have to pay for the car, I have to pay for the petrol and other miscellaneous that happens now and then.

So yeah.

There are a few gadgets that I need/want... mostly on the 'want' part actually. :P
1. Twinhead/Fujitsu Laptop.
2. Samsung YP-P3 MP3
3. Nokia (Haven't decided on the model) Handphone.

Why do I not see a camera. Don't know... Maybe I just don't have the money allocated for it. Hahah... I don't seem to want to record my life in photographs. It does not really paint the picture. Many people don't get this but... people's opinion differ. I know to some extent its a memory worth to keep, your experience, the record of your life. Im cool with that - or maybe I am just not photogenic enough. ^^!

Anyways, I shy away from cameras. I am just not fond of them.

Next thing, when you suffered a bad case of body sore... it only means some thing you have worked on is a success. Thing about me is... I can't surround myself with negative people. I am negative myself. So I will repel them. Ughh. That why I prefer to work alone.

In medicine world : Alone = Death sentence. You must learn to work in groups.

Enough of my rants.

Im bored. :P

Monday, September 27, 2010

I Need..

I need reassurance.

Currently I really don't know what kind of decision i should make. My gut feelings tell me I should really stay on campus... my dad said also too.

However, if there is no cooking area then I would really be in trouble. At least the uni people are helpfull enough. If there is an area... I would sign in right away.

I just need reassurance or else... I really would have to be on a strict food diet to save money to last me for a year.

Oh god.. please make my decision a wise one. Or else I would really have to suffer.. for a whole year.


Allah will not give you something you cannot face. So take up this challange alright. You should be fine... insyallah.. :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

One Step To Each Direction

With no doubt, everybody is on the journey of moving on with their lives. Closing one of their epic chapters in their life. M.C.B. Need I say more?

One step to death.
One step to love.
One step to maturity.
One step to wisdom.

All the four major direction.

Now, now, don't limit your mindset.

Death.
It is to us and to everyone else. Death of loved ones. Death of relationship. Death to create something new.

Love.
Newborn love, new friendship love, family love (you are bound to get married and have your own family), special love.

Maturity.
Taking another step to shed off the awkward teenage years. Realizing your purpose of existance. Braving to face reality on your own.

Wisdom.
You really have to congratulate yourself for having to survive this long with all the turbulence that you have faced till today. Beware though, blizzards may be on their way. But then again, with each, you become more wiser than before

- It was long overdue, that this post does not make sense for the raya ambiance. =_=!~ -

:P

Friday, August 27, 2010

Walks of Life - An Observation

So okay, I admit that I have not travelled around the world and what I am saying is not valid in the travellers channel, but heck... its my blog.

From this narrow scope vision of mine, looking outward with these very dusty eyeglasses of mine... I see with my two eyes (sounds like the game right?... lol..)

Anyways, I was on my way to breaking fast with my friends and being conjested in a LRT... well there is a lot to observe. For the better part of 25 min ride.

1. I see youngsters who don't give sits to the elderly. (Whats new right?)

2. People who are just absorbed with their own business... how narcisstic have we become?

3. A new visual on Kristian mubaligh (sory, i can't remember wat it was in English)... Well... they look decent with suit and tie. So... any comments about our Muslims ones? However, this is just by looking on one point of view. I always believe that the content is more important. Looks can be deceiving. :)

4. A real live person with dwarf-ism (dunno spelling, sorry). I was intrigued. She talks so confidently with her friend, which is a guy... boyfriend? But still... this really takes me on a thinking journey... that if she can be comfortable with how she is born, than howcome our confidence falter. Is botox and the likes necessary? Yes, I promote healthy lifestyle but not under the knife and the sorts.

5. Being Malaysian, the opportunity to view many society in terms of race is plenty. So, on the train, one corner is in English, another in Tamil and the next Mandarin. Interesting... so, can we really understand each other? Live in the spirit of 1Malaysia. Well... slowly maybe, but I guess the step is to break the ice and well.... the best remedy is always a good smile.

6. Young people being rude. Again... what is new. =_=!~



So yeah, this is as much observation I can get on a train. By the way, if you wanna ask me my observation on the road. Well, get this fact. I get cursed once a day on the road. Believe me.

Furthermore, I see traffic jam is a good place to show affection (eww.. its not wat u think).. I saw a mother hugging her daughter, now tats sweet. But most of the time, people just get this annoyed facial expression.

Yeah2, i get their feelings. Me too sometime... heck, I just blast the radio and bob my head like a bob-doll. (Do not try this... you'll get neck-pain... tried and tested). So, I just go about the normal, keeping a look out to not knock peoples car ot cats on the road.

In conclusion, I think if you take a breather and just look around, you won't be involved in an accident and maybe you would get a chance to rethink about life.

So yeah, that is pretty much it.

:)

- Some quran verses would be good here, some ran through my mind but I can't pin-point where. Anyone who is reading this, please direct me to an English translation verse, tq!~ -

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

At A Crossroad.

Even if you found a diamond at a crossroad, keep walking because a car might hit ya.

With the awkward intro, i shall begin this. Exactly why the weird intro? Its because at the moment, I don't actually know where to begin.

Possible reasons why Allah let me get this job.
1. Allah knows me more than I do (of course He does), so he puts me on this job so that I wont do bad stuff during Ramadhan.

2. Allah wants me to see the walks of life who does not really neccesarily follow his way. (I am imagining a huge sign board blinking with warning)

3. Allah wants me to see how a person without patience becomes in the end of the day.

4. Allah's personal reminder to me, as if he is saying "Diana, don't end up like that"


And now, I am out of reason to validate or ponder upon. In fact, I really think that none of the above reason is the real reason. Albeit this, I might have to say that... its better that I am doing this than nothing at all.


To a new point, I am feeling so detached. Somewhere between here and there, I just seemed lost. Is this what coping is all about. My friends and I are at a point where everyone is moving on. New life I might say. Sad? Yeah, i have to admit that. Its an inevitable feeling. But I wish everyone the best of luck.


I was never good at making friends nor keeping them. Im never the one to spill the bean or prying for them. I just exist. Lonely would be a good word for now. I guess it is my fault at some point but hey Im just a human.


Then again, its at these crossroads you would find who to them, you matter the most. Stop chasing those diamond and start looking for charcoal instead. They warm you when its cold, they light for you when its dark and they can give you life.

But most importantly, even when the charcoals are gone, there would still be the One who creates them n He lovez you unconditionally.

:)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Geramlaaa....

I have to say, that might be my first Malay title. Hurm..

Anyway... it is the perfect title considering the situation I am in. Okay, lets face the truth. I hate my job. I don't even know why I am doing it. Gathering experience? Maybe.... but really I don't likelaaa.. I really don't. Not when my boss curse everyone stupid. I guess that must have included me.

Yeah, considering the situation and her background she is a brilliant person but it does ot give her the license to call other people that. Poor clients i tell you. They are just in a state of not in the know.

It either I don't like her for who she is or we just don't have chemistry. Yeah... this is the part where I say that I have a problem in taking in people into my circle.

Alright. So what. I am her employee for the next couple of month. I will quit by the end of October for the sake of my sanity.

The only comfort I get is to be able to know that maybe, just maybe that my decision to become a doctor is good and the best for me.

Business world fail to give me the satisfaction I need. I just fail at it. I don't understand the business lingo and crap when I get back to the office next Monday I have to put on the fake, creepy smile again. Did I mention I hate my job?

On the other hand when we look at the other side of life, I should just shut up my trap and deal with it. I don't like my job. Especially knowing I am meeting my siblings. Erk...

Anyways.... I can go oversea right? I mean.. really. I really wanna go and I don't wanna be a burden and just because of my sibling, I refuse to not let this chance get away. I worked dam too hard for it. I work so hard for it and I refuse to do anything else.

I worked damn hard for it.

After venting my frustration... yeah, I want to go to university so much to start my medical school. Fuu.. :3

...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Recluse

Just because I like how it sounded but then again, it might be the exact condition Im in.

I will officially say that working life is not interesting. Facade? Well no. Im just whining. That's all. I don't wanna work and drive all over the place. Thats why I am going to become a doctor. At least it can save lives you know. I value satisfaction more than anything. Working like this does not. I feel forced but you have to keep a straight face you know.

Fuu... Im just complaining. :3

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Things I Am Bad At... A Confession.

After graduation I realised that... hey, Diana you suck so much that it is at a different level entirely from everyone else.

1. You suck at being you. Truthfully.

2. You suck at running.

3. You suck at putting make up on = vampire. Thats it... no more make up for me.

4. You just suck at making conversation except with yourself. Really... thats why I would like to remain silence unless neccessary.

5. You suck at being taken in pictures because you are so damn not photographic.

6. You suck.

Yes... after the ifinite self-loathing i call for who gives a damn anyway?

Life continues.

P/s: For once I would like to look presentable. :3

Haih.... :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Musings Before Graduation...

Yes. Its finallly here. The big omega graduation of IB students from KMB. After the excrutiating 2 years of abused life to all teenagers... all this sounds exagerating and its true. What could be worse eyh? Well... try asking those who yet to found freedom.

Freedom in all sense. To tell ya the truth I sometimes feel like im trapped too but hey... life's ups and down's gives ya an identity.

I am going to regret saying this but... I miss that person. In a good way. Well wishes I bid. May the journey be a great one. I'll try and work on myself more.

It aches right?

:)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

You Would Never Know...

In all honesty that I posses in this wee hours of morning in a country named Malaysia. I would say, you would never know and I, myself will never know. Who am I? Until today if I was taking an exam about myself... I would never get 100%. It is because I am dynamic. Ever changing. Not a person without principle... but a 'situational' kind of person. Never disregard the pillar of stones but react differently to each condition present.

Am I a hypocrite? Everybody at certain point of their life... would have to be but you may never know when that would happen.

Reflecting to myself...

You would never know if what you did was good enough. You would never know whether you would make it? You would never know whether you acheived what your innermost person wants to reach. You would never know.

Why of all times... do I feel like I have lost confidence in god and in myself. Of course as a domino effect. You don't believe in Allah = You're killing your own confidence.

I commit sins almost everyday. You could say my addiction is getting worse. Truthfully... I think that is the only bad part of me that I have yet to cure/save/change... put any synonyms to it. Its the same. Unchangeable. I'm sick and tired of it but yet this addiction craves back in.

Of all the musawafat tarbiyah, I fail to do this one. Just this. Im looking foward to this ramadhan as a battle field for me to save myself. If in due time i fail... than, I would certainly lost hope. I don't know what is the cure. Although most would say being close to Allah is the cure. Yes I know but it is easier said than done.

I resent myself sometimes but I have to accept who I am in the end of the day.

Between Australia and Ireland. I would prefer by 100 times to set my foot in Australia. However being and underprivilage scholar student I go wherever Allah thinks is the best for me.

I should not complain because many are in the unfortunate shoes... and some might consider me to be ungrateful... but really one cannot deny desire can they. Its my dream and my desire to go there. To me... feeling is more important. It gets you through eventhough it might kill you.

I wonder if Allah still cares about me.

Hah!~, misinterpretation of "Allah cares" always happen. Just because things don't happen the way you want it... it does not mean Allah does not love you. He just wants to test you. Make you stronger and more optimistic in life.

Of course when really hits ya sometimes you would say its all bullshit... but in actual truth there would always be a silver lining behind the gray clouds. The rainbow after the rain... and actually rain symbolises happiness.

Hence, you would never know. All you do is.... Allah is always2 there.

“… Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace.” (13:28)

:)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

While its working..

Funny, when I tilt my laptop... only then the keyboard works. Hurmmm.

Anyways, after putting off so many opportunity to drain my brain off because of the keyboard malfunction... I forget mostly what I had in mind in which i thought it would be mindful to exist in this barren blog of mine.

So updates right. So what did I do exactly again?

I just bought a simple graduation baku kurung that cost RM145. It was really expensive... but hey, I rather spend on that then spending 300 on some other baju kurinng I found.

Im sick. So, how am I suppose to go to JOM? Im spreading the disease. Oh great. Disease spreader.

I saw a lot of handicapped people. I was thinking... where does that put me in the hierachy of life. Certainly it could not be on top of the food chain simply because im born normaly. Remember how people say they don't wannna be normal? Well those who are less fortunate then us are begging to be normal. So be thankful for who you are. Use your capability to make life more wonderful.. not only for yours but other too. A simple smile would make a difference.

I had a dilemma... and in the midst of confusio i blurted this to my mom. "I didn't study in Banting for two years to do a twinning" Yes. Its offensive... I guess Allahs words resonate in my brain.

"The things that you hate might be good for you and the things you love might be bad for you."

So now i am considering the twinning programe. Only that... the internet does not give me much info to prepare me for the interview. :3

So yeah...

:P

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Allah...

Dear Allah,
I know that even without writing this... you would already know what is going on in my mind and heart. I know I have never been one of you pious servant but please don't fail me now. I know You never have and what you did was all for my best interest.

Dear Allah,
If this is what is the best for me. Help me. Please help me. Knowing who I am and what I have experience. I would like once more and forever be in the presence of your grace. Never let me be out of your sight. Guide me to you.

Dear Allah,
If it is not the best for me. Please let me be in the light of knowing why. Please let me be able to accept the destiny set for me with an open heart. Whatever is your decision... let it make me closer to you.

Dear Allah,
You are the only one who knows who I am... in which i am at times are clueless too but I hope you are looking over me and care for me so that I will be able to see you one day. Even if I don't any right too.

Dear Allah,
Please hear my plea... I need help. Help for everything. Im basically lost. I need you... and I will always need you. Bring me back to you..

Bring me back to you.

Ameen.

Grudge...??

Well... after reading the said thing, I feel like a huge grudge has been implanted in me. Me being me, I am definitely competitive. I hate when other people topple me down. Its not a hidden fact. I have a desire to become better than everyone else.

Only if the world is made up that way.

Who am I to question what has be predetermined. I lay below in the abyss just viewing the sun through the clear sea blue water. I need to be thankful with what I have and believe that its the best for me. Let this be a lesson. Though...i still hate?... naah.. dislike would be a more appropriate word.

I'll show him that I can stand next to him and be proud too... only that I still have more knicks and knacks to go through but its alrite, i'll fight him till the end. Sheesh I can't believe that dude.

True, I am still weak and a newbie in my spiritual belief but im getting there. Slowly but surely.

Of course he does not say it... but im not ignorant. Whatlaa tat dude... I feel so offended. *nrikgnakjdh*

Anyways, I should continue with my work and leave it be. I don't feel any grudge anymore. Just a huge burning desire to become a better doctor in my own way. I am me. I don't fight with anyone else, I just fight with me. My biggest enemy is surprisingly me.

With that being said, INTERVIEW HERE I COME!~~~

*grrrr....*

:)

Monday, July 12, 2010

I wish my classmate, roomate and close friends would read this..

A Short Journey... by Super Junior

Diana: Since i am never good with words, this says it all.

My heart that loved you
my eyes that looked at you
are still here.

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

In the cold wind the feeling of your warm hand stays for a while
all your traces become tears and stay on my cheeks
After i go on for a trip for a short while
and wipe of my heart wrenching wound
after time passed by when I meet you
I will tell you that I missed you

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

today when the sun sets and the moon rises again, it’s still the same
oh why is my heart changing this fast
your appearance that resembled the blue sky rains
when my body gets wet from this rain i’ll hide my running tears

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

In the past when I did whatever I wanted and was foolish
you who embraces all of that are really precious

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
I’ll go back to the place
When I once was

When I open that door and take one step
so that I can stand in front of you who i missed

My heart that loved you
my eyes that looked at you
I’ll wait.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

... Cho Gy... Miccheo..

I feel the upmost miserableness. I hate interviews. I never know if i did well in interview. I feel lost and heck im losing confidence. Can I start all over tomorrow. Please Allah, give me strength. There are like 26 of us who wants to go to the same place. Please let me be one of them. Please!~

Syarah ajak gi main skating. Right before my interview. Cam nak... dahsfiuasjuisfsjo. Fuu... nak ikut.. :3

To Live By... :)

'When I woke up this morning lying in bed, I was asking myself: What are some of the secrets of success in life? I then found the answer right there in my very room'

The Fan said - Be cool.
The Roof said - Aim high.
The Window said - See the world.
The Clock said - Every minute is precious.
The Mirror said - Reflect be...fore you act.
The Calender said - Be up to date.
The Door said - Push hard for your goals.
And don't forget, the Carpet said - Kneel down and pray.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Amusing!~

Like seriously, "Kereta Mayat" is definitely interesting.

:)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Who Knows...

Who would ever knew that I actually have a problem. It was not hard to admit to myself, I can never admit to the whole world that I have an addiction. Oh god... a bad addiction. Not like drugs or anything but really, I would classify it as an addiction.

I want to go job hunting... I need to. Seriously.

:)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

So Now What...

Well... turns out to be that what I wanted isn't going to happen. Is is not going to be materialised.

I guess thats why you have the saying 'When one door closes, the other door opens up'. I have to admit though, I wasn't born with inteligency but regardless I am not born with deformity. Hence I have to appreciate myself more.

When everything else fails, you only have 2 things. Allah and optimism. I guess I did kinda predicted it. It was straight from the window... crystal clear. At least I don't have anyone to blame including myself because I can stand proudly and say... I did try my best. Its just was not my strip of luck.

Im better off with my family and friends. At least I can go to graduation now.

So now what... well knowing me, most probably I'll be sad but I can't go on and moping around. Its time that I learnt what loosing means. Its now or never.

What has been determine would be the best for me even if I cannot really see it right now. No matter... like I said, Education is the same everywhere. I'll just make the best out of everything. I really have nothing to loose. So, its just a boulder.

Life's like that. Always.

Btw, tidak Allah uji sseorg hamba melainkan kerana mereka mampu... ujian itu mematangkn hidup juga tanda kasih sayangNya...

:)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Realist or Idealist

Between the two, I always get caught in the middle. Save to say... that I was not always in the position to be precise because who can predict the future right?

Anyways... time is definitely ticking and finally we get to know the results. Good or Bad. Its always the two. Why can't you have something in the middle? Like.. Goobad or something. Lolz... What I meant was, is there a grey area?

When people hold on to a side with such a strong hold... it might break and they fall anyways. So moderationn should be the proper term.

IB results is tomorrow isn't it?

Moderation = taking what is being given as it is and make the best of it. Even though it very well is easier said than done but a good hope does not hurt anyone. It only serve as a motivator to some extent.

What is the meaning of becoming a true doctor? = Action speaks louder than words.

To comfort my own pityself, given the responsibilty I am given... as long as I become a doctor it does not matter right. I am doing it with my own capability... so if Allah say its for the best. I must hurry and look for the Hikmah. The reason behind it. Although.. this resonade in my head.

"All the goods come from Allah and the bad, comes from you"

We never can run away from making mistakes can we... and yet, eventhough sometimes we do good things we just have to pay for it.

Truthfully... I want to go to New Zealand. I won't deny that fact. I gave my best shot so I have really nothing to regret. Ever.

The only part that need to be mended, in which i still fail until today is... my inner me. Its in a dire condition and it needs a healer. I innerly sick and currently, there is no one that can heal me.

I need to learn more than what I now/will know to heal myself...

*Slaps myself furiously*
Aaaahh!~ Enough with the self-loathing. I must gather courage and face it. I'm a strong girl. I can do this.

:)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Conflicted Much?

Im not really that conflicted... its just that... well, the more you want to avoid it... the more sucked in you are. Isn't it? Birocrasy and Medicine can never be separated, no? I wonder am I just so influenced by the drama's that I have been watching... but then again... there is some sence of truth. Some thoughtless people can be bastards or bitches, its how the world runs.

The only way to beat this type of people is actually to be the top notch of the bunch. Having the courage to stand for what is right and having the integrity to do so. If only we are not influenced by the people around us.

What happens if lets say, money over doing what is right. People can be so fickle with money. Somehow... the printed piece of paper is more valueable that what it really cost.

To be able to not turn down a patient, even though he's a 70 year old junkie and saving his life only to know that he may not lead a longer life... is integrity because, you are a doctor and he is a patient.

I wonder if I am able to stand up to my own words when I made my mind to venture into this career saying that... becoming a doctor has allowed me to create a platform where equal treatment is given to all despite gender, race nor religion or age for that matter. Not to be under the influence of money.

Easier said than done... but I guess that is the challenge.

I was wondering... im not a genius, but I believe I have the heart. Is it enough for me to pull through. The world spins around those who turns it.

I was standing, would there be people standing with me? Am I prepared to be alone knowing that my ideology might be a bit of a realist? - I don't know.

Before I have the right to say so... I must be able to go through Medical School eyh. With the diversity of human available, its a jungle out there.

Only saviour? - A.L.L.A.H.
If it weren't because of Him... I won't be here.


By the way... I was wondering, who wants to grow old with me and talk about farts? Seriously its funny but hey... when you wanna grow old with somebody, it better be someone you can talk about farts with because... only then you would know that you lived you life well because simply, you have no more topics to talk or argue about - well spoken life with partner.

Right ne?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dragon Doctor - Iryuu

This is so totally not a review... just the way i perceive the story.

Interesting I might say. Once again, Japanese drama has succesfully install a strong work ethics in me. I am really surprised. I mean, from the drama you could actually see the amount of respectfullness towards your senior. Furthermore, the message of -Don't be a doctor because of money and saving human life in no matter what condition is important- I believe most Japanese story have secret message underlying within each of their story. What other way of channelling these messages than through media.

People, don't look to the West, we have our on Eastern moghul to look upon the Koreans and the Japanese. Yeah2, I know they might have once killed our ancestors but look on the bright sight... take the good values.

I am not simply mocking our on Malay culture... but of all the Malay drama i've seen, it will consist of tear, snotties and whatnot. Japanese drama are able to instll some kind of a spirit or 'semangat' we call it. Really... try Iryuu for once. You'll get what I mean.

Oh well... I know that by watching this. I want to become the next Dragon Dr.

Dragon Doctor D.

Anyways... you will only learn hands-on. Don't rely on textbook so much. Live and learn in the moment.

P/S: I seriously really think that we have to change how the Malay thinks and act.

:)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

After That Happened...

After that person decided to actualy publicized who likes his blog posts, I no longer feel the liberty of liking his blog due to damn embarassment but then again, who freaking cares. Lol... I just ridicule myself sometimes.

His blog is undoubtfully good. I can't deny that... but then again, I feel a sense of embarrassment. Gosh, someone please knock some sense into my head.

Oh and another thing, you just have to do what you have to do, eventhough blocking that person on the YM because... you just wanna live your life. Yeah.

Anyways... with another damn sarcastic remark about me being a muslimah, I feel like killing my sis... then again, I must learn to adopt the Sallamatusodri. Berlapang dada or in English, being with no grudges.

:)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

To Grow Up...

To grow up is actually a simple physiological process because we don't realise it. We never stop and ponder what each of out cells are doing. They are actually breathing, reproducing and fighting for us just so that we can call what we are doing now, 'living and growing'.

But, what is the meaning of living and growing actually? There is no real answer to this question. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. To forgive and let live, to slow down and just observe, to sit in silence and be thankful, to actually be letting go of things and ready for something new and of course... i just learnt this, to accept your own mistakes and let it be a part of who you are.

More often than not... we just forget. We forget that we have made the same mistake and unknowingly... we repeat it and end up with the same guilt. We're just human. We forget. Human nature sets us like that.

However... we shouldn't really be in despair. I have heard once, 'No one ever loves me...'. If that was really true... that person wouldn't even have the privillage of saying it in the first place. ALLAH loves each and every inch of our body and soul because we are His first of all. Each piece of fragment in our body are there functioning because ALLAH says so. If he doesn't care... he would't let you exist. In context of exist... it means even if you die because of you were miscarried, if does not mean you never existed.

"... and don't kill yourself because Allah is the Most Loving"

Making mistakes is a part of growing up or else life would be too boring. Also... sometimes making mistakes makes you closer to Allah right. Im just saying this because... time has passed by and I know I have many wrong doings towards my mother. I just don't know how to face her. I just get awkward.

Anyway dear friends... never give up. Im saying this as a reminder to myself. Counting days to the results can really pull someone's nerve. Im praying for strength to face it. Be optimistic and pray hard. Is the best thing you can do for now.



On another note... Im getting fat. Help!~

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Still Thinking About This A Lot...

C.H.O.W.A.Y.O..... :)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Accumulated Random Thoughts...

Firstly... my teacher read my blog. Im embarrased. *blushes* - "... no one ever want to read my blog ever!~~". Thanks Ms. Shereen, ur so sweet. :)

Anyways.... over the time, I didn't have the drive to write anything actually, for the fact that I was not thinking much... But i guess i have given my brain ample time to accumulate random thoughts. So here we go...

1. Love is like clay. It needs go to undergo so much hardship before it can become a strong vase. Being molded, cut, pulled, twisted and burned in fire but in the end, it became the most amazing art piece created. Isn't love like that? My observation of true marriage is like that. No marriage ever escape the pit-fall of doom but it all depends on how much can you take. Albeit this, of course a vase is fragile. Hence it needs to be handled carefully. Otherwise it will just shatter once it hits the ground.

2. I guess... i need to take some time out. Give time for my body to heal before i can face the society again. Proven true to the words of professional, steroid has finally taken its toll on me. All i can do now is just to endure it. Be patient.

3. When you are in a large crowd, its easy to just drown and disappear but when there's just few, you show too much. my consious wants to stay and my soul wants to fade away but my heart says don't look back again.

4. There are times when I feel as if the Earth would just eat me alive. *Although, i heard it would happen if you greatly disobey your mother...* I have embarressed myself more than I probably should but like E-sya says, no one cares. Eventhough that is the reality, but I can't helped being terribly embarrassed. Esya would say, "D, your paranoid"

5. When people are paranoid, they do terrible things right. Thats why we have wars. Its not power... but what couse Man to look for power. Its paranoia. Clearly explained.

6. People's trueself are the opposite of what they show. Its called insecurity,

7. Your first love should be Allah. People say you would never forget your first love, so even if ur n-love doesn't work, ur first love would be still be there. (Most probably be slaughtered for not footnoting this)



Sad it just ain't happening,
Wish it could be better,
Sorry to be scraping,
But I can't just let ya,
To be less than happy,
I said look at me,
I couldn't live with myself seeing you lackin',
The things you deserve
Baby you was a part,
Must believe that it hurts,
Deeply in this world
I feel the aching through my body,
It just take a bigger part or me
To be lettin' you go
I wish that weren't so


For your sake, I will never look back again.....

= Big Bang : Tell Me Goodbye =

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Love Like This...

When you grow up, you would eventually see a pattern of the kind of guys that you like. For me... it was until MCB came along. I realised that there were more to life, i mean, more different guys that existed.

For one, i should not really blamed destiny that I, for the fact that i went to a girl school. In fact, I could actually say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Although the lesson about guys was not part of the syllabus... i learnt about that in MCB.

I realised that all this while I actually liked the wrong guy. Albeit this they never had my heart cuz hey... it was practically impossible. I would blame on the fact of hormonal imbalance and lack or realisation.

But... I met and found a new meaning to this.

The man to admire is always and of course, our prophet, Nabi Mohammad SAW.

To find an exact replica is by logic = impossible.

However, i learnt that sometimes, by chance or by fate... one could be a shadow of such person. Although not as perfect but a hint. Just enough to give hope and lead other people.

Such person has been an inspiration to me.

Heck, I didn't know his existance until by mistake.

But a glimpse of that gave such an impact... then a knock came and you realised that all you need was just a push.

It was scary to take the first step, but here I am still well and alive.

Turning a new leaf would be the correct idiom to use.

Its a new kind of love. One that I have to yet to completely understand.

Random people just don't seem to appeal anymore... its just bland.

I guess i just have to wait for the correct moment than... a moment that i will be be savouring my entire life.

Until then... my smiles and kindness are only because of Allah. Don't fool yourself. For this gurl have realised.

Until the love like this have come, I shall wait.

P/s : Thank you dear Allah, for making this silly girl realize. :) AND.. thanks to that dude whom i got my inspiration from.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Most probably.. I need to get this out. Or.. Im bored.

The answer to the question would be actually, Im pretty bored and that is the truth. Deal with it.

Anyways...

After the relentless hours counting the time, I actully give up. Im not even supposed to be online because I have no more data usage or more accurately, overused it. Kill me.

Moving on... I have been killing my brains with stupid shows... in which i am not to be blamed. I was trying to fill my time with something. Mind you, I am a girl with protective parents. I am not allowed to go out. On the other hand... another reason why is because, going out = cash and I don't do window shopping.

Why do people do window shopping. Have they no other use of their time or actually too blind to even see that hey, I have no money for this. Honey, take my advise. Save yourself from the painful blunder. However, it might be good to take a stretch around the humongous shoping complex. Good exersize for the legs. Although it might make you suffer in the old age if you use goddamn high-heels. (Ask Amiirah for more information)

Why men create bra and high-heels? Trust me... they weren't created by women. These unmindful creatures (not all okay... im not really a sexist), thought women would be more attractive (its their primal instinct mind you) while covering our brains with hey its for support. Support? Yeah right.

Anyways... enough with all these ramblings.

Im bored. Thats just it. Im bored.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Why Do I Care?

Waking up today, I thought everything is going to be fine. Slept late as usual and woke up early to go to Putrajaya.

After the big hassle and what not, *Istana Kehakiman is pretty*, there are series of event that made me ponder a lot.

1. The rude encounter to a Chinese man. I was a bit baffled by the antics... but she was nice to me!~ Then again, he might not have fullfilled the regulations or the forms but seriously... cakapla baik2. Okay je kowt kalau macam tuh but then again everybody have their bad days. So I just shrugged it off.

2. I am definitely a snail driver. I can't even drive to save my own ass.

3. I happen to like turquoise pen okay. To me its still blue. Okay2, lesson learnt. BLACK PEN FOR OFFICIAL GOVERMENT MATTERS!~

4. My dad says : U are prone to get being bullied. He's worried. I know. I am too.

5. I need more self-control. I just lose it. I don't know why. I really don't know what to do anymore... professional help? - Going up, then going down and its a rollercoaster. Promised myself not to do it again but I fail miserably.

6. I am defintely a bad friend. I have no sense of attachment. Yes, we are friends... but alamak, I guess I built a wall that is not easily penetrated. MCB : the ground friend I made I do love them... I remembered me saying: When I really love someone. I don't say it. So all the love2 on facebook is crap? Words are cheap, its the action that matters. Maybe love2 on FB = I care about u. I am still thinking abt it and I still don't have a conclusion.

7. It hurts. I need to learn that I must not wear my emotions on my sleeve. It will just kill me.

8. Why do we often look in places we shouldn't? In the end, the only one scarred is yourself. You give the first ball, if they don't return it. Give your other ball to those who wants it. Easy.

9. STAY UNDERGROUND = Motto for the rest of my entire life. :)

Sunday, May 30, 2010

On The Contrary...

I currently have my own opinion eventhough i feel as if I would get shot by it.

Anyways... me n my sis went for breakfast. One of the aunty was being friendly I suppose and well... my sis werent so fond of being too friendly with her. I pointed it out, curious actually... and the reaction was... *friendly bertempat not like you.. all over the place*. My head was spinning madly thinking. Kitakan muslim sama2, nak bertempat apenye.. I mean i know I have this bad habit of being friendly to everyone... but it does not mean I don't put my guard up.

After that... my bro in law said *its a bad world and people will get ya*. I totally understand his point of view. With the rate of crime around, who wouldn't but then again... if we lead the world with... kau2, aku2 principle wouldn't that lead to another prob? Of course its not too good to be heavily involved, but a smile would not hurt anyone. Of course there is this bomoh2 thing and crap stuff... but I remembered, nothing goes by Him unknown. It happens because He let it happens. Who to blame? No one in particular actually.

On the bright side, it give us the reason to look for Him. He is the Best Protector of All. On the downfall, we suffer A LOT. But then again, prevention is better then cure, 5 times of solat, the 4 Qul before sleep, the secret rendezvous in the better half of the night, sole asking for his forgiveness and protection. Isnt that enough to protect you from all of that. All it takes is faith. A strong one. *of course there are other things... but Im a newbie*

I know its easier for me to say it... but actually its harder to do it... but its not impossible. Im training myself slowly again... Im weak and I know it but it does not give me a reason to stop trying.

Now i feel like i want to be surrounded by my friends again... they give me some sense of protection against all this bad things..

= Totally understand by... *the world is an Dan berpeganglah kamu semuanya kepada tali (agama) Allah, dan janganlah kamu bercerai berai, dan ingatlah akan nikmat Allah kepadamu ketika kamu dahulu (masa Jahiliah) bermusuh musuhan, maka Allah mempersatukan hatimu, lalu menjadilah kamu karena nikmat Allah orang-orang yang bersaudara; dan kamu telah berada di tepi jurang neraka, lalu Allah menyelamatkan kamu daripadanya. Demikianlah Allah menerangkan ayat-ayat-Nya kepadamu, agar kamu mendapat petunjuk.
[ali Imran, 3:103]*


Next thing in mind was... when people say they are not apt enough to be apart of something... i wonder whether is Satan toying with them again. Hurm... I was in that position, still in that position?... but... we must fight it. We must look for him eventhough it will be a path filled with sharp stone and things that cut you to the bone... Never think you are not good enough for it. You don't deserve to be among the crowd that knows Allah better than you. Be a part of it. Its a learning process that you would not be accustomed by only attending it once... it takes patience and and open heart for it to work. I know I did.


Im scared. Fullstop. Its a simple mere truth.

Im not running. I am not even crawling... im just merely dragging myself... on the floor... but I am going towards Him. Its hard. For me... its hard but its not impossible.

When there is a will, there is a way.

I need to be strong. Not only for me... but also for my family. Who to bring them along... if its not me.

Me.

I need a fresh start... a better focus... and a better, solid purpose.

One by one Diana... one by one.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I remembered... ^^

Yesh.. I do realise that I so totally did not record my last moments being in KMB. Well... forgive me, I was just too busy trying to focus on getting out without much hassle.

So what did I remember... other than being a complete jerk to someone, on the other hand... It was pretty memorable.

Okay... so first things first,

1. I remembered going to the surau after the last paper... rolled around crazily while thinking... what am I going to do next.

2. I remembered that I hurriedly going back to the room while thinking painfully... that my roomate was about to embark on a delicious journey to Nilai eating her heart out... I wanted to follow... but hey... mommmy was reluctant to let me go. I know she did gave her permission but hey I know her better.

3. I remembered carrying an apple and a knife, silently praying the Allah would grant me a last visit to the Rabbits hut and Alhamdullilah he did. Those rabbits were adorable.... I wished I knew about the Rabbits earlier... huff.

4. I remembered I was fasting that day... and it rained heavily but I was happy the wind was blowing hard and loved the rain like it showered all the hardship and pain away... but I also remembered that it kept me hostage at the surau and prevented me from going to the DS early. Oh well.. thank God Siti was there... I get to read the fantabulous book. :P *thanks Siti for the burger!~*

5. I remembered my roomate don't get to go to Nilai... but she spent her time at Cikgu's house. I realised that I can be friendly, nice and polite... but its hard to establish a relationship... I don't let people in my circle so easily. Its like an invincible defensive system... but not many know about that. ^^

6. I remembered cleaning my room for 3 days straight... I thought it was endless.

7. I remebered the last usrah with kak Nadia. It was weird. I had to tell a story... and I sucked at it. Wasnt born a storyteller nor a Dai. Im still a newbie :3

8. I remembered the last get-together my classmate had. A night of keropok fresh off the fire, booze( I called the popcorn - booze), and haral (haram/halal) ciggs (you know.. love letter.. :P). We ka-re-0-ked at 11.00 till midnight. *@_@!~*

9. I remembered returning to spend my last night as a KMB-ian with my lovely roomate. Helped her clean the room and finally dozing off.

10. I remembered that I woke up at 4.00am, my eyes stubbornly didn't wanna sleep and I spent all my morning to carry my boxes down. I took a break at 5.00am, and devoured my left-over pizza while staring blankly into space.

11. I remembered clearing my room and performed solat.. and had a tug-o-war game with my roomate. :P

12. I remembered that i had no feeling nor emotion on leaving the place. I know... I can be heartless sometimes. (Most probably because i had squeeze out all my water-works before)

13. I remembered the drama of -HANDPHONE GONE MISSING- ordeal. Yesh... it was embarrassing... but hey.. Allah knows me more. There was a reason behind it, although I might have perceived it wrongly... but He gave me a chance.

14. I remembered the last look at... I shall keep this a secret eyh? :)

And that was it... the last of KMB-life.

...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Kepergian Yang Berteman..

Its not usual for me to write a title... however its special today because just before leaving the room, a quick sneak peek at the next page, Allah gave me words to accompany me. In which i recited once (the maksudlaa.. )

"...bertawakalah kepada Allah. Sungguh Allah mencintai orang yang bertawakal.... Kerana itu, hendaklah kepada Allah saja orang2 mukmin yang bertawakal"

For a newbie like me.. getting things like this makes me more overwhelmed..(is that the right word... hurm..) anyways.. I might not heed his word well. Because when i sat for the paper... i was a little bit dumbstruck, smiling wryly to myself.. 'uhuh.. yeah Allah said this to me this morning..'

So, although a little sad.. but hey. He said His piece. Therefore... I shall let it be

. I can't study immediately after exam. My brain is dead somehow.

Fringe!~~ Where are you???~~ (Awesome TV show. lolz..)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wednesday, - After Chemistry Paper.

I handed in the badly written paper with much doubt in my heart. Tear drop came out silent with my arm unconciously wiping them away.

I walk fasteadly to the musollah... i landed on my roomate's lap let the dam broke itself.

I was comforted by my roomate and my classmate.

My teacher called.. my friend's phone that it.

She was thankful... but I was in doubt of my effort.

She left, I still shed my tears.

My roomate consoled me... teardrops still comes out.

I prayed with swolled eyes while tears still sneaking their way out.

Silently praying to Allah to make let go of the grieve.

Finished praying and looking around for my missing brooch - it fell somewhere...
*-_-!*

This right hand of mine, sneaking it way and my leg skipping in the musollah looking for a Tafsir. Found a black one.

Flipping its page, I found this.

"Maka berimanlah kamu kepada Allah dan Rasul-nya dan kepada cahaya (Al-Quran) yang telah kami turunkan. "Dan Allah Mahateliti terhadap apa yang kamu kerjakan"

Miraculously... the tears stop. I feel calm again.

P/s : Need an english tafsir badly. ^^

Saturday, April 17, 2010

My friend said to me that i don't know who I am.... She's right. The only person who does is Allah, His Most Gracious and Merciful. I must gain back the spirit and live again. Just pick up the broken pisces although sharp, and be on my way again. In the mean time, just using gam gajah to stick it back up. Altough i only see shattered relfection of myself but at least i can see my smile again. Pieces of them, multipied.

Amazingly... I feel the need to forget the hurtful feelings, its not his fault, it was mine. Why did i run away again...? Oh yeah, I loved our friendship more. I forgot. Knowing what he went through and knowing how he is vaguely, i can say, Dearest Allah, give him who will make him the most happiest, He deserve a good girl.

By the way, i was just chasing clouds right. It time to really hop off and let go of the candy floss. I can't wait to leave... im done getting my heart played by the Devil's trick. Its all hurt and bruised up...

Im a sick gurl and forever will be, those people who understands are just those who took prednisolone.... I just want a good ending for my family and me. Let time pass by and Allah's Mercy change me into a better person. I respect His Decisions and He is the best planner of all.

I have to start working hard tomorrow. Wish me luck eyh. <3

Friday, March 19, 2010

Time is Running Out

Seems like Esya's prediction is smacked on my face right now. I am in deep trouble aren't I. I have not been the best of the bumble bee lately. Looking for reasons to blame but in the end its always me isn't it.


I understand that I can't cry over passed time. All I know is to redeem it in the coming future.
Its okay

Diana... the misery will end in a month's time. So brace it and have a strong will. You've had your fun... so now is the time to commit suicide. Believe in yourself. You know who you are. You slaved yourself silly in college. Home is a sanctuary for you to find yourself again. Spending time with family is something you can't lose. Not now... not ever. Cherish the moments you had.


Promise to yourself that when you are back in college... there is no time to dilly dally anymore. Just give your all. All your hardwork will be paid off in due time. You know you have sacrificed so much... Believe in Allah... he would give you the best decision and outcome.


Plant in yourself that the end DOES NOT matter. You will give your best. Whether you make it to go oversea or not, leave that in His hand. Wipe those tears off your face. Too much have been lost and now is the time to regain all of it.


College = Pain, sweat, misery, hardwork = sweet glory ending.


I know you are afraid of the consequences, the sadness and the broken hearted but in the long run He knows whats best right? So... leave it at that. Take the sickness you have now an opportunity to rest. Have a good rest and baby... work it off in college.


You did it before... you can do it again.
<33
I am still sick and burdened with homework. Dang...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Bak kata pepatah, bagai langit dan bumi. To me there is no connection in between, hence the thing with me and the dude. I can't call him anything else can I? Anyways... isn't it obvious? What sign am I waiting more for? Its my call, leave and be done with it. Its only like 1 month away you know.... so yeah. But its funny how this is the first time liking someone from a far can actually change you. Slowly... but surely. I have to remember though, Im doing this for Allah and no one else. I know He cares about me. I have to put my highest confidence in Him. He has plan laid out for me, I can't stray away from it. All I have to do is embrace it and it will all be well.
Why am I runnning away? Its the question im asking every single day. Its the last leg of the race. Why in the world am I running away from Mathematics? For Allah's sake, its just a subject. Truth to be told... I am scared that I am not going to further my education in oversea, split more milk than before, be a huge dissapointment eventhough my parents said its okay. Still... deep down inside, Im not okay with it. Don't run away anymore okay... really, its going to be fine. Regardless of what happen... it will be okay. There is still time... you can work on it. Just do the best you can.
Anyways.... its funny how Allah wake me up for Subuh prayer, it just felt so real. Considering I can't sleep last night and slept at 4.30. Allah actually woke me up with a bang. I guess that is how the Palesteinian feels. It was not much... but a glimpse but it felt so real. I felt like I was on a mission but the dream ended with a candle burnt out.
It started with me staring out of my window seeing huge bomb and i can really feel the resonance of the bomb exploding. Then my house was on fire... tried to save my family - I was calm apparently, somehow knowing that it would eventually happen - then I saw a rocket missile being launched - I asked, 'there's a rocket missile in Malaysia? - I know its a stupid question but still... anyways... then it felt really cold and dark. A women gave me a lit candle and asked me to follow a man, seems like a mission to me... but the cold wind just blew it off. I lit it again... but failed to keep it burnt then I woke up with a huge thud on the heart and it was 6.30. = Devil Play?
Thing is... i had the same dream before.
Anyways... I should face reality... Math, I am going to kill you. Literally. Seriously.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hurm... I admit. I am guilty of being damn ignorant. Who am I to kid myself. I must be living in a dream!~ Sometimes you just can't have want you actually want but you can work yourself to it. If I have a choice, I would disect my heart and throw away that feelings. In the end, you are just going to be you and you can't lie to yourself. I want to end my life in a good way. Its ok, i get it. I need to change myself... there's only one thing left. That would be my goal for this year. May Allah help me with it.

Anyways... I can now really see the effect of my disease. I better acknowledge it before its too late. Theres a lot of bruises... well only two... but than again, I like to exaggerate....anyhow... so that is my disease. It seems that I can't tolerate pain like I do before. Meaning, I shouldnt be falling here and there... bumping here and there unless I want to cover myself with a new tan - black and blue instead of the brown. Fuu... only one week to go for steroids and its over.

Moving on... I have been avoiding my books like a plague. Im staring fresh tomorrow. I have high hopes... I will do it. I will read and study and finish all my homeworks. I can do it. I believe in myself. Regardless what happens, I will give and when its over, I gave what I have to offer. Allah knows what I have been through. Although there are always other people on the low side, thats why I exist. I can help them go through it. With my capabilities, I am going the be the best damn doctor around... with His blessings of course.

Other than that, I still remember what my friend/friends said. The more hardship you encounter... the more actually Allah loves you. These two years have be a small hell... but gained so much out of it. When you get a second chance at life... it wont be likely that you want to waste it. Reminiscing the sick days... actually... He could take my life if He wanted too. With only platelet reading of 4, me on damn high heels, one slip = brain hemmorage + six feet under. However, I didn't. The good coming out of this was - closer to Allah, closer to family and the better things in life that it got to offer. I must be one of the lucky ones.What more do I want to ask more. We are often unsatisfied with what we have. Life's like that and you never know how to appreciate things until you lose it.

Another final thing, how can you judge and assume that some people are not giving their all to pursue their dreams. I gave my all... within my capabilites to achieve what I can. To some extent sometimes I feel tired but because that is all a part of my reason being existant and its something that I can be good at, I neved did gave up. Of course the blue days were there but the cheer and determination still exist. I can do it. I know i can.

So be it then....

Thursday, February 25, 2010

So what have I come into conclusion... everybody makes mistakes. So do I, even though i don't want to admit it... I don't think it was my fault in the first place. Sometimes you just have to let go of things. Anyways... i need to get back to Earth.

Today's planning - CAS FILE & Stats Notes + Outing. Thats the plan for today. AJA2 Fighting!~~

Monday, February 15, 2010

I. Like. Him. Fullstop - that wasn't hard to say it. Btw.. its not the "meet me halfway guy" Jannah.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Life's a joke...

Why am I ranting. I got EE on my back in which i have to revamp. I have IA this week. Kill me someone. My IA is bs. The thing is... its hard cuz i don't like the topic. So I can't speak fluently about it. Dear Allah... help me please. I need you help. PLEASE!~~

Anyways... total bumping? = countless of time. The more u want to avoid, the more u'll bump into it. Be positive Diana. Its just a test... like any other test. You'll pass this one. With flying colour even. I LOVE YOU!~~ *being narcissistic at times... are worth it*

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Mega stressed and tired. I really want to do well in my finals!~ Oh my god I really want it. I just don't know whether I'll make it. I will just have to swim it through. Ya Allah tolonglah hambamu ini.

I lost hope on my EE and TOK. Damn it!~ I really want that 38!~~~ *maybe more... *

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Something is telling me...

Without a doubt... i feel very remorseful. Well according to this dude, its kinda like negative energy. Something that i should be avoiding because i will be returning to the 4 walled alcatraz tommorow. Not forgetting to metion that my English IA is very well blooped. *is that the right term?*... anyways, my heart is not settled. I am very much reluctant and not looking foward to what might be coming.

I am in denial arent I. I am trying to run away from the reality. Look, say if I face reality with an open heart, I might find solutions to it rather than me being all icky about it.

Reality list - no innuendos this time.

My internal assesments are all junkyard. I have no faith in them eventhough i really tried my best within my capabilities. I am just not adept enough to do a research paper with bombastic findings and well good results. So the world will just have to have the way I am. So what am Igoing to do about it? Well, first of all since my life and career depends on it, I think I am going to very well slave myself over my books. Face it Diana, you know you can't do much on your IA, so might as you u just do ur damn well in you written exam because that the only thing you have left. Its either you do it or u screw it, and I don't think you want the latter choice.

The ever wonderful EE and TOK paper. Ahh... the bane of my existance. The ever wonderful man-made torture device. Created to destroy, pummel and well, screw the heads of inadept people like me. Not only I very well screwed this paper, I have no chance at all to save it. Furthermore, my supervisor likes to drill the fact that its all my fault and yes I shall admit. Its all my fault! From the first step to the final step of almost being sucked into depression, yes... its all my fault. So what am I going to do about it. Let it be known to all, that if I fail both of this paper, i will not graduate. I shall pray very, very hard that at least I get a pass. Come on, my future depends on it. Plan B, say that i flunck this... I really don't have a plan B. The only thing i know is well... to live the life on.

Pn Salma. *or actually... all teachers*. I don't get her and well most-probably I will never understand her. The only thing now is... how do I face her. I don't think i could stand anymore of her heart tearing, slashing and bullet shooting remarks. I don't think i can face it anymore. As much as I like her for being a great chemistry teacher, i just cannot stand being wrongfully judged. If only she knows the truth of all what she has accused me, i think she would be ashamed but who am I to go against her. I still respect her as a teacher and well although i made a mistake of raising my voice once to her *i can't remember if I did.. did I??* I hope that she forgave me... and I am sorry for being the worst student she has ever had. I know if she were to have the world her way, she would just have sent me for an execution... no wait, thats too easy. Somehow i know its going to be like a slow painful death... with all those torturing device. I think you know what I mean. Anyways, what am I going to do about this. I think i will just have to put on a blank face and a blank open heart... make it a hard open heart so that i won't get hurt by her gnarling comments anymore... but still able to absorb what she teaches in class. Oh by the way, I am sorry that I don't have Nina's IQ for a brain.

The dude that I like. Ahh.. yes. Doesn't the world know that if I like a guy, I would really like that guy. Eventhough it seems like I like a lot of guys cuz I keep saying they are good looking, don't they know its all to distract from actually know who the real guy I like. Its too bad that the world is filled with narrow minded people. Can't they just take a compliment and live life well. So far, there are only 3 guys which really like... sound like one guy for each semester. Lolz... well its not funny. The first... is a sad case, which was found out. The second.. is another sad case which practically resolved on its own and well no knows about it.. and the third one might last through out sem 4, but hey I am in my own dreamland. Its good to be hopeful.. but im not relying on it. The dude does not know that I exist... and I keep blushing when he is around. Sheesh... i feel like a bashful hag. Anyways... i know what i gotta do... keep away from his life, take care of my own life and move on but still pray that I end up with a dude like him. A girl can hope u know... anyways, im trying to be more self-composed, even when im on caffeine drug. Caffeine makes me wee wee you know.

Classroom life. Ahh... classroom. Trust me when I say its filled with 2 faced great people. They all go with the 'I don't give a shit attitude' but once you close that door. OMG. Boom!~ There goes all the kiasu - ism monster that you don't want to know. Truth to be told. I hate being the scapegoat. I love them all but... scapegoating gotta go. Anyways... I want to concentrate on my studies real hard this time. I am all out.. even if my platelet count starts to drop. I just hope that won't be my reason of not getting to further my studies. I know this last sem, its either people get crazy or crazier. We all are aiming for the same thing so.... each man for himself trying to save their butt off.

Schedule and attitude change. Actually... living in KMB and well i was a bit kiasu when i first entered the college but it seems like... living in ignorance is probably the best thing you could do. Im speaking in terms of dudes. Yeah. I had my fair share of life but I will so continue liking Korean male. I want to be like kak Eba. She's so cool!~~ I want to be more organized and i want to manage my time well. Just like when I am in highschool. The only difference is i have to be wary of unexpected changes and well im getting used to it. Getting used to = things don't go they way you plan =. Self composure is my main goal. With this, I shall not get too emotional and i can be more focused on my goal. I can do it. Its only 4 grueling month to go. I shall ignore and the the ignoramus freak *cuz im so totally ignoring EE and TOK - they just don't have any hope* to all dudes that ever existed and emotional break down. I have to be strong and I can and I know that I am strong. So I will survive this no matter what the ending is. I must learn to turn a deaf ear and face things, shit and what not.

Of religion and life. One of the things i want to improve. I haven't been a good girl lately. Being very, very naughty and well my faith is as thin as an onion skin. I want to improve my religion knowledge. Starting by first attending the kul-sem. But I must be very strict with myself. Be good. Even if I know I failed my hafal-ling session... crap.. i just fail at them. Im not good with it. I want to be more in the know... than not knowing. If I make time for Allah.. then Allah will make time for me. Yeah.. thats it. Im doing it for me and not anyone else. Im doing it cuz no one is forcing me to. So people, deal with it.

Doctor. My conditinal placement letter might or might not come. Does it matter? Of course it does. I don't give a .... anymore. I want it... Allah knows I want it. Been weighing Australia too.. but the ISAT test seem like a huge traphole to me. Allah knows i don't have a great IQ... so thats why He gave me a chance at New Zealand and I very well, stupidly screwed that chance. I made a lot of sacrifices for my EE... but no more. Thats enough. I am not letting EE screwing up my life anymore. I gave up so much for it... but what did i get in the end. A fail in which i hope it would turn into a pass..... but still. So i just have to believe in His plan because he knows what is good for me. Even with this in mind... i know it would really break my heart if i don't get the placement. Its okay... He is the best planner among all. I should trust him but I really don't trust my heart. The only parachute i can prepare is that... if New Zealand does not work out then i really have to put it at the back of my head and study really hard because what matter in the end is me = doctor.

Of sufferings and sacrifices. I still remember the day, when it all started. My bag got stolen from my car. There goes the expensive books, the priceless notes. the very expensive calculator, the full pencil-box filled with goodness... and well.. my life too. From that moment things just fell apart. Like my laptop which fell off the balcony. Wrecked into pieces and thank god it survived. Then there was series of uneventful stuff like my teachers that don't like my attitude. I have an attitude problem. I kinda like realise that.. but i repented and corrected as much damage as I can by being more introvert. Keeping quiet seems to be the best option. Then came the painful heart wrenching disease... then the Chemistry teacher came along. That one is forever going. Cambodia was good even with that mongoose that Wan really likes. Then came the stress and hospital. Hospital was good. I fell hard into the bottomless pit and i am still feeling the side effects. Something inside of me has change subconciously and I don't know what is it. Anyways... time with my family was out of the window. Turn out to be that most of my cousins gets married while im battling the college life. I was not there for them. My family vacation was out, I did not join them. I gave up a lot to chase this career and I am still wondering why. Why I want this so much. I guess its the only thing I know I can be good at. It was never about the money or fame... unlike someone's hurtful accusation. She even think i am not good enough to be a doctor. Heck she should have seen other people's reason. I came this far and I am not going to give up. Damn the world. It between me and Allah.

After all that rant... i actually feel better. Uplifted I guess.. so now I have to go and make corrections on my Math IA. Sheesh.