Sunday, January 3, 2010

Something is telling me...

Without a doubt... i feel very remorseful. Well according to this dude, its kinda like negative energy. Something that i should be avoiding because i will be returning to the 4 walled alcatraz tommorow. Not forgetting to metion that my English IA is very well blooped. *is that the right term?*... anyways, my heart is not settled. I am very much reluctant and not looking foward to what might be coming.

I am in denial arent I. I am trying to run away from the reality. Look, say if I face reality with an open heart, I might find solutions to it rather than me being all icky about it.

Reality list - no innuendos this time.

My internal assesments are all junkyard. I have no faith in them eventhough i really tried my best within my capabilities. I am just not adept enough to do a research paper with bombastic findings and well good results. So the world will just have to have the way I am. So what am Igoing to do about it? Well, first of all since my life and career depends on it, I think I am going to very well slave myself over my books. Face it Diana, you know you can't do much on your IA, so might as you u just do ur damn well in you written exam because that the only thing you have left. Its either you do it or u screw it, and I don't think you want the latter choice.

The ever wonderful EE and TOK paper. Ahh... the bane of my existance. The ever wonderful man-made torture device. Created to destroy, pummel and well, screw the heads of inadept people like me. Not only I very well screwed this paper, I have no chance at all to save it. Furthermore, my supervisor likes to drill the fact that its all my fault and yes I shall admit. Its all my fault! From the first step to the final step of almost being sucked into depression, yes... its all my fault. So what am I going to do about it. Let it be known to all, that if I fail both of this paper, i will not graduate. I shall pray very, very hard that at least I get a pass. Come on, my future depends on it. Plan B, say that i flunck this... I really don't have a plan B. The only thing i know is well... to live the life on.

Pn Salma. *or actually... all teachers*. I don't get her and well most-probably I will never understand her. The only thing now is... how do I face her. I don't think i could stand anymore of her heart tearing, slashing and bullet shooting remarks. I don't think i can face it anymore. As much as I like her for being a great chemistry teacher, i just cannot stand being wrongfully judged. If only she knows the truth of all what she has accused me, i think she would be ashamed but who am I to go against her. I still respect her as a teacher and well although i made a mistake of raising my voice once to her *i can't remember if I did.. did I??* I hope that she forgave me... and I am sorry for being the worst student she has ever had. I know if she were to have the world her way, she would just have sent me for an execution... no wait, thats too easy. Somehow i know its going to be like a slow painful death... with all those torturing device. I think you know what I mean. Anyways, what am I going to do about this. I think i will just have to put on a blank face and a blank open heart... make it a hard open heart so that i won't get hurt by her gnarling comments anymore... but still able to absorb what she teaches in class. Oh by the way, I am sorry that I don't have Nina's IQ for a brain.

The dude that I like. Ahh.. yes. Doesn't the world know that if I like a guy, I would really like that guy. Eventhough it seems like I like a lot of guys cuz I keep saying they are good looking, don't they know its all to distract from actually know who the real guy I like. Its too bad that the world is filled with narrow minded people. Can't they just take a compliment and live life well. So far, there are only 3 guys which really like... sound like one guy for each semester. Lolz... well its not funny. The first... is a sad case, which was found out. The second.. is another sad case which practically resolved on its own and well no knows about it.. and the third one might last through out sem 4, but hey I am in my own dreamland. Its good to be hopeful.. but im not relying on it. The dude does not know that I exist... and I keep blushing when he is around. Sheesh... i feel like a bashful hag. Anyways... i know what i gotta do... keep away from his life, take care of my own life and move on but still pray that I end up with a dude like him. A girl can hope u know... anyways, im trying to be more self-composed, even when im on caffeine drug. Caffeine makes me wee wee you know.

Classroom life. Ahh... classroom. Trust me when I say its filled with 2 faced great people. They all go with the 'I don't give a shit attitude' but once you close that door. OMG. Boom!~ There goes all the kiasu - ism monster that you don't want to know. Truth to be told. I hate being the scapegoat. I love them all but... scapegoating gotta go. Anyways... I want to concentrate on my studies real hard this time. I am all out.. even if my platelet count starts to drop. I just hope that won't be my reason of not getting to further my studies. I know this last sem, its either people get crazy or crazier. We all are aiming for the same thing so.... each man for himself trying to save their butt off.

Schedule and attitude change. Actually... living in KMB and well i was a bit kiasu when i first entered the college but it seems like... living in ignorance is probably the best thing you could do. Im speaking in terms of dudes. Yeah. I had my fair share of life but I will so continue liking Korean male. I want to be like kak Eba. She's so cool!~~ I want to be more organized and i want to manage my time well. Just like when I am in highschool. The only difference is i have to be wary of unexpected changes and well im getting used to it. Getting used to = things don't go they way you plan =. Self composure is my main goal. With this, I shall not get too emotional and i can be more focused on my goal. I can do it. Its only 4 grueling month to go. I shall ignore and the the ignoramus freak *cuz im so totally ignoring EE and TOK - they just don't have any hope* to all dudes that ever existed and emotional break down. I have to be strong and I can and I know that I am strong. So I will survive this no matter what the ending is. I must learn to turn a deaf ear and face things, shit and what not.

Of religion and life. One of the things i want to improve. I haven't been a good girl lately. Being very, very naughty and well my faith is as thin as an onion skin. I want to improve my religion knowledge. Starting by first attending the kul-sem. But I must be very strict with myself. Be good. Even if I know I failed my hafal-ling session... crap.. i just fail at them. Im not good with it. I want to be more in the know... than not knowing. If I make time for Allah.. then Allah will make time for me. Yeah.. thats it. Im doing it for me and not anyone else. Im doing it cuz no one is forcing me to. So people, deal with it.

Doctor. My conditinal placement letter might or might not come. Does it matter? Of course it does. I don't give a .... anymore. I want it... Allah knows I want it. Been weighing Australia too.. but the ISAT test seem like a huge traphole to me. Allah knows i don't have a great IQ... so thats why He gave me a chance at New Zealand and I very well, stupidly screwed that chance. I made a lot of sacrifices for my EE... but no more. Thats enough. I am not letting EE screwing up my life anymore. I gave up so much for it... but what did i get in the end. A fail in which i hope it would turn into a pass..... but still. So i just have to believe in His plan because he knows what is good for me. Even with this in mind... i know it would really break my heart if i don't get the placement. Its okay... He is the best planner among all. I should trust him but I really don't trust my heart. The only parachute i can prepare is that... if New Zealand does not work out then i really have to put it at the back of my head and study really hard because what matter in the end is me = doctor.

Of sufferings and sacrifices. I still remember the day, when it all started. My bag got stolen from my car. There goes the expensive books, the priceless notes. the very expensive calculator, the full pencil-box filled with goodness... and well.. my life too. From that moment things just fell apart. Like my laptop which fell off the balcony. Wrecked into pieces and thank god it survived. Then there was series of uneventful stuff like my teachers that don't like my attitude. I have an attitude problem. I kinda like realise that.. but i repented and corrected as much damage as I can by being more introvert. Keeping quiet seems to be the best option. Then came the painful heart wrenching disease... then the Chemistry teacher came along. That one is forever going. Cambodia was good even with that mongoose that Wan really likes. Then came the stress and hospital. Hospital was good. I fell hard into the bottomless pit and i am still feeling the side effects. Something inside of me has change subconciously and I don't know what is it. Anyways... time with my family was out of the window. Turn out to be that most of my cousins gets married while im battling the college life. I was not there for them. My family vacation was out, I did not join them. I gave up a lot to chase this career and I am still wondering why. Why I want this so much. I guess its the only thing I know I can be good at. It was never about the money or fame... unlike someone's hurtful accusation. She even think i am not good enough to be a doctor. Heck she should have seen other people's reason. I came this far and I am not going to give up. Damn the world. It between me and Allah.

After all that rant... i actually feel better. Uplifted I guess.. so now I have to go and make corrections on my Math IA. Sheesh.

1 comment:

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