Friday, March 19, 2010

Time is Running Out

Seems like Esya's prediction is smacked on my face right now. I am in deep trouble aren't I. I have not been the best of the bumble bee lately. Looking for reasons to blame but in the end its always me isn't it.

I understand that I can't cry over passed time. All I know is to redeem it in the coming future.
Its okay

Diana... the misery will end in a month's time. So brace it and have a strong will. You've had your fun... so now is the time to commit suicide. Believe in yourself. You know who you are. You slaved yourself silly in college. Home is a sanctuary for you to find yourself again. Spending time with family is something you can't lose. Not now... not ever. Cherish the moments you had.

Promise to yourself that when you are back in college... there is no time to dilly dally anymore. Just give your all. All your hardwork will be paid off in due time. You know you have sacrificed so much... Believe in Allah... he would give you the best decision and outcome.

Plant in yourself that the end DOES NOT matter. You will give your best. Whether you make it to go oversea or not, leave that in His hand. Wipe those tears off your face. Too much have been lost and now is the time to regain all of it.

College = Pain, sweat, misery, hardwork = sweet glory ending.

I know you are afraid of the consequences, the sadness and the broken hearted but in the long run He knows whats best right? So... leave it at that. Take the sickness you have now an opportunity to rest. Have a good rest and baby... work it off in college.

You did it before... you can do it again.
I am still sick and burdened with homework. Dang...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Bak kata pepatah, bagai langit dan bumi. To me there is no connection in between, hence the thing with me and the dude. I can't call him anything else can I? Anyways... isn't it obvious? What sign am I waiting more for? Its my call, leave and be done with it. Its only like 1 month away you know.... so yeah. But its funny how this is the first time liking someone from a far can actually change you. Slowly... but surely. I have to remember though, Im doing this for Allah and no one else. I know He cares about me. I have to put my highest confidence in Him. He has plan laid out for me, I can't stray away from it. All I have to do is embrace it and it will all be well.
Why am I runnning away? Its the question im asking every single day. Its the last leg of the race. Why in the world am I running away from Mathematics? For Allah's sake, its just a subject. Truth to be told... I am scared that I am not going to further my education in oversea, split more milk than before, be a huge dissapointment eventhough my parents said its okay. Still... deep down inside, Im not okay with it. Don't run away anymore okay... really, its going to be fine. Regardless of what happen... it will be okay. There is still time... you can work on it. Just do the best you can.
Anyways.... its funny how Allah wake me up for Subuh prayer, it just felt so real. Considering I can't sleep last night and slept at 4.30. Allah actually woke me up with a bang. I guess that is how the Palesteinian feels. It was not much... but a glimpse but it felt so real. I felt like I was on a mission but the dream ended with a candle burnt out.
It started with me staring out of my window seeing huge bomb and i can really feel the resonance of the bomb exploding. Then my house was on fire... tried to save my family - I was calm apparently, somehow knowing that it would eventually happen - then I saw a rocket missile being launched - I asked, 'there's a rocket missile in Malaysia? - I know its a stupid question but still... anyways... then it felt really cold and dark. A women gave me a lit candle and asked me to follow a man, seems like a mission to me... but the cold wind just blew it off. I lit it again... but failed to keep it burnt then I woke up with a huge thud on the heart and it was 6.30. = Devil Play?
Thing is... i had the same dream before.
Anyways... I should face reality... Math, I am going to kill you. Literally. Seriously.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hurm... I admit. I am guilty of being damn ignorant. Who am I to kid myself. I must be living in a dream!~ Sometimes you just can't have want you actually want but you can work yourself to it. If I have a choice, I would disect my heart and throw away that feelings. In the end, you are just going to be you and you can't lie to yourself. I want to end my life in a good way. Its ok, i get it. I need to change myself... there's only one thing left. That would be my goal for this year. May Allah help me with it.

Anyways... I can now really see the effect of my disease. I better acknowledge it before its too late. Theres a lot of bruises... well only two... but than again, I like to exaggerate....anyhow... so that is my disease. It seems that I can't tolerate pain like I do before. Meaning, I shouldnt be falling here and there... bumping here and there unless I want to cover myself with a new tan - black and blue instead of the brown. Fuu... only one week to go for steroids and its over.

Moving on... I have been avoiding my books like a plague. Im staring fresh tomorrow. I have high hopes... I will do it. I will read and study and finish all my homeworks. I can do it. I believe in myself. Regardless what happens, I will give and when its over, I gave what I have to offer. Allah knows what I have been through. Although there are always other people on the low side, thats why I exist. I can help them go through it. With my capabilities, I am going the be the best damn doctor around... with His blessings of course.

Other than that, I still remember what my friend/friends said. The more hardship you encounter... the more actually Allah loves you. These two years have be a small hell... but gained so much out of it. When you get a second chance at life... it wont be likely that you want to waste it. Reminiscing the sick days... actually... He could take my life if He wanted too. With only platelet reading of 4, me on damn high heels, one slip = brain hemmorage + six feet under. However, I didn't. The good coming out of this was - closer to Allah, closer to family and the better things in life that it got to offer. I must be one of the lucky ones.What more do I want to ask more. We are often unsatisfied with what we have. Life's like that and you never know how to appreciate things until you lose it.

Another final thing, how can you judge and assume that some people are not giving their all to pursue their dreams. I gave my all... within my capabilites to achieve what I can. To some extent sometimes I feel tired but because that is all a part of my reason being existant and its something that I can be good at, I neved did gave up. Of course the blue days were there but the cheer and determination still exist. I can do it. I know i can.

So be it then....