Hurm... I admit. I am guilty of being damn ignorant. Who am I to kid myself. I must be living in a dream!~ Sometimes you just can't have want you actually want but you can work yourself to it. If I have a choice, I would disect my heart and throw away that feelings. In the end, you are just going to be you and you can't lie to yourself. I want to end my life in a good way. Its ok, i get it. I need to change myself... there's only one thing left. That would be my goal for this year. May Allah help me with it.
Anyways... I can now really see the effect of my disease. I better acknowledge it before its too late. Theres a lot of bruises... well only two... but than again, I like to exaggerate....anyhow... so that is my disease. It seems that I can't tolerate pain like I do before. Meaning, I shouldnt be falling here and there... bumping here and there unless I want to cover myself with a new tan - black and blue instead of the brown. Fuu... only one week to go for steroids and its over.
Moving on... I have been avoiding my books like a plague. Im staring fresh tomorrow. I have high hopes... I will do it. I will read and study and finish all my homeworks. I can do it. I believe in myself. Regardless what happens, I will give and when its over, I gave what I have to offer. Allah knows what I have been through. Although there are always other people on the low side, thats why I exist. I can help them go through it. With my capabilities, I am going the be the best damn doctor around... with His blessings of course.
Other than that, I still remember what my friend/friends said. The more hardship you encounter... the more actually Allah loves you. These two years have be a small hell... but gained so much out of it. When you get a second chance at life... it wont be likely that you want to waste it. Reminiscing the sick days... actually... He could take my life if He wanted too. With only platelet reading of 4, me on damn high heels, one slip = brain hemmorage + six feet under. However, I didn't. The good coming out of this was - closer to Allah, closer to family and the better things in life that it got to offer. I must be one of the lucky ones.What more do I want to ask more. We are often unsatisfied with what we have. Life's like that and you never know how to appreciate things until you lose it.
Another final thing, how can you judge and assume that some people are not giving their all to pursue their dreams. I gave my all... within my capabilites to achieve what I can. To some extent sometimes I feel tired but because that is all a part of my reason being existant and its something that I can be good at, I neved did gave up. Of course the blue days were there but the cheer and determination still exist. I can do it. I know i can.
So be it then....