Wednesday, July 28, 2010

You Would Never Know...

In all honesty that I posses in this wee hours of morning in a country named Malaysia. I would say, you would never know and I, myself will never know. Who am I? Until today if I was taking an exam about myself... I would never get 100%. It is because I am dynamic. Ever changing. Not a person without principle... but a 'situational' kind of person. Never disregard the pillar of stones but react differently to each condition present.

Am I a hypocrite? Everybody at certain point of their life... would have to be but you may never know when that would happen.

Reflecting to myself...

You would never know if what you did was good enough. You would never know whether you would make it? You would never know whether you acheived what your innermost person wants to reach. You would never know.

Why of all times... do I feel like I have lost confidence in god and in myself. Of course as a domino effect. You don't believe in Allah = You're killing your own confidence.

I commit sins almost everyday. You could say my addiction is getting worse. Truthfully... I think that is the only bad part of me that I have yet to cure/save/change... put any synonyms to it. Its the same. Unchangeable. I'm sick and tired of it but yet this addiction craves back in.

Of all the musawafat tarbiyah, I fail to do this one. Just this. Im looking foward to this ramadhan as a battle field for me to save myself. If in due time i fail... than, I would certainly lost hope. I don't know what is the cure. Although most would say being close to Allah is the cure. Yes I know but it is easier said than done.

I resent myself sometimes but I have to accept who I am in the end of the day.

Between Australia and Ireland. I would prefer by 100 times to set my foot in Australia. However being and underprivilage scholar student I go wherever Allah thinks is the best for me.

I should not complain because many are in the unfortunate shoes... and some might consider me to be ungrateful... but really one cannot deny desire can they. Its my dream and my desire to go there. To me... feeling is more important. It gets you through eventhough it might kill you.

I wonder if Allah still cares about me.

Hah!~, misinterpretation of "Allah cares" always happen. Just because things don't happen the way you want it... it does not mean Allah does not love you. He just wants to test you. Make you stronger and more optimistic in life.

Of course when really hits ya sometimes you would say its all bullshit... but in actual truth there would always be a silver lining behind the gray clouds. The rainbow after the rain... and actually rain symbolises happiness.

Hence, you would never know. All you do is.... Allah is always2 there.

“… Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace.” (13:28)

:)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

While its working..

Funny, when I tilt my laptop... only then the keyboard works. Hurmmm.

Anyways, after putting off so many opportunity to drain my brain off because of the keyboard malfunction... I forget mostly what I had in mind in which i thought it would be mindful to exist in this barren blog of mine.

So updates right. So what did I do exactly again?

I just bought a simple graduation baku kurung that cost RM145. It was really expensive... but hey, I rather spend on that then spending 300 on some other baju kurinng I found.

Im sick. So, how am I suppose to go to JOM? Im spreading the disease. Oh great. Disease spreader.

I saw a lot of handicapped people. I was thinking... where does that put me in the hierachy of life. Certainly it could not be on top of the food chain simply because im born normaly. Remember how people say they don't wannna be normal? Well those who are less fortunate then us are begging to be normal. So be thankful for who you are. Use your capability to make life more wonderful.. not only for yours but other too. A simple smile would make a difference.

I had a dilemma... and in the midst of confusio i blurted this to my mom. "I didn't study in Banting for two years to do a twinning" Yes. Its offensive... I guess Allahs words resonate in my brain.

"The things that you hate might be good for you and the things you love might be bad for you."

So now i am considering the twinning programe. Only that... the internet does not give me much info to prepare me for the interview. :3

So yeah...

:P

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Allah...

Dear Allah,
I know that even without writing this... you would already know what is going on in my mind and heart. I know I have never been one of you pious servant but please don't fail me now. I know You never have and what you did was all for my best interest.

Dear Allah,
If this is what is the best for me. Help me. Please help me. Knowing who I am and what I have experience. I would like once more and forever be in the presence of your grace. Never let me be out of your sight. Guide me to you.

Dear Allah,
If it is not the best for me. Please let me be in the light of knowing why. Please let me be able to accept the destiny set for me with an open heart. Whatever is your decision... let it make me closer to you.

Dear Allah,
You are the only one who knows who I am... in which i am at times are clueless too but I hope you are looking over me and care for me so that I will be able to see you one day. Even if I don't any right too.

Dear Allah,
Please hear my plea... I need help. Help for everything. Im basically lost. I need you... and I will always need you. Bring me back to you..

Bring me back to you.

Ameen.

Grudge...??

Well... after reading the said thing, I feel like a huge grudge has been implanted in me. Me being me, I am definitely competitive. I hate when other people topple me down. Its not a hidden fact. I have a desire to become better than everyone else.

Only if the world is made up that way.

Who am I to question what has be predetermined. I lay below in the abyss just viewing the sun through the clear sea blue water. I need to be thankful with what I have and believe that its the best for me. Let this be a lesson. Though...i still hate?... naah.. dislike would be a more appropriate word.

I'll show him that I can stand next to him and be proud too... only that I still have more knicks and knacks to go through but its alrite, i'll fight him till the end. Sheesh I can't believe that dude.

True, I am still weak and a newbie in my spiritual belief but im getting there. Slowly but surely.

Of course he does not say it... but im not ignorant. Whatlaa tat dude... I feel so offended. *nrikgnakjdh*

Anyways, I should continue with my work and leave it be. I don't feel any grudge anymore. Just a huge burning desire to become a better doctor in my own way. I am me. I don't fight with anyone else, I just fight with me. My biggest enemy is surprisingly me.

With that being said, INTERVIEW HERE I COME!~~~

*grrrr....*

:)

Monday, July 12, 2010

I wish my classmate, roomate and close friends would read this..

A Short Journey... by Super Junior

Diana: Since i am never good with words, this says it all.

My heart that loved you
my eyes that looked at you
are still here.

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

In the cold wind the feeling of your warm hand stays for a while
all your traces become tears and stay on my cheeks
After i go on for a trip for a short while
and wipe of my heart wrenching wound
after time passed by when I meet you
I will tell you that I missed you

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

today when the sun sets and the moon rises again, it’s still the same
oh why is my heart changing this fast
your appearance that resembled the blue sky rains
when my body gets wet from this rain i’ll hide my running tears

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

In the past when I did whatever I wanted and was foolish
you who embraces all of that are really precious

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
When I open that door and take one step
your breath that’s conveyed to the tip of my nose

Oh baby say goodbye, for a short while goodbye.
The talk about goodbye, I’ll put it aside for a short while.
I’ll go back to the place
When I once was

When I open that door and take one step
so that I can stand in front of you who i missed

My heart that loved you
my eyes that looked at you
I’ll wait.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

... Cho Gy... Miccheo..

I feel the upmost miserableness. I hate interviews. I never know if i did well in interview. I feel lost and heck im losing confidence. Can I start all over tomorrow. Please Allah, give me strength. There are like 26 of us who wants to go to the same place. Please let me be one of them. Please!~

Syarah ajak gi main skating. Right before my interview. Cam nak... dahsfiuasjuisfsjo. Fuu... nak ikut.. :3

To Live By... :)

'When I woke up this morning lying in bed, I was asking myself: What are some of the secrets of success in life? I then found the answer right there in my very room'

The Fan said - Be cool.
The Roof said - Aim high.
The Window said - See the world.
The Clock said - Every minute is precious.
The Mirror said - Reflect be...fore you act.
The Calender said - Be up to date.
The Door said - Push hard for your goals.
And don't forget, the Carpet said - Kneel down and pray.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Amusing!~

Like seriously, "Kereta Mayat" is definitely interesting.

:)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Who Knows...

Who would ever knew that I actually have a problem. It was not hard to admit to myself, I can never admit to the whole world that I have an addiction. Oh god... a bad addiction. Not like drugs or anything but really, I would classify it as an addiction.

I want to go job hunting... I need to. Seriously.

:)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

So Now What...

Well... turns out to be that what I wanted isn't going to happen. Is is not going to be materialised.

I guess thats why you have the saying 'When one door closes, the other door opens up'. I have to admit though, I wasn't born with inteligency but regardless I am not born with deformity. Hence I have to appreciate myself more.

When everything else fails, you only have 2 things. Allah and optimism. I guess I did kinda predicted it. It was straight from the window... crystal clear. At least I don't have anyone to blame including myself because I can stand proudly and say... I did try my best. Its just was not my strip of luck.

Im better off with my family and friends. At least I can go to graduation now.

So now what... well knowing me, most probably I'll be sad but I can't go on and moping around. Its time that I learnt what loosing means. Its now or never.

What has been determine would be the best for me even if I cannot really see it right now. No matter... like I said, Education is the same everywhere. I'll just make the best out of everything. I really have nothing to loose. So, its just a boulder.

Life's like that. Always.

Btw, tidak Allah uji sseorg hamba melainkan kerana mereka mampu... ujian itu mematangkn hidup juga tanda kasih sayangNya...

:)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Realist or Idealist

Between the two, I always get caught in the middle. Save to say... that I was not always in the position to be precise because who can predict the future right?

Anyways... time is definitely ticking and finally we get to know the results. Good or Bad. Its always the two. Why can't you have something in the middle? Like.. Goobad or something. Lolz... What I meant was, is there a grey area?

When people hold on to a side with such a strong hold... it might break and they fall anyways. So moderationn should be the proper term.

IB results is tomorrow isn't it?

Moderation = taking what is being given as it is and make the best of it. Even though it very well is easier said than done but a good hope does not hurt anyone. It only serve as a motivator to some extent.

What is the meaning of becoming a true doctor? = Action speaks louder than words.

To comfort my own pityself, given the responsibilty I am given... as long as I become a doctor it does not matter right. I am doing it with my own capability... so if Allah say its for the best. I must hurry and look for the Hikmah. The reason behind it. Although.. this resonade in my head.

"All the goods come from Allah and the bad, comes from you"

We never can run away from making mistakes can we... and yet, eventhough sometimes we do good things we just have to pay for it.

Truthfully... I want to go to New Zealand. I won't deny that fact. I gave my best shot so I have really nothing to regret. Ever.

The only part that need to be mended, in which i still fail until today is... my inner me. Its in a dire condition and it needs a healer. I innerly sick and currently, there is no one that can heal me.

I need to learn more than what I now/will know to heal myself...

*Slaps myself furiously*
Aaaahh!~ Enough with the self-loathing. I must gather courage and face it. I'm a strong girl. I can do this.

:)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Conflicted Much?

Im not really that conflicted... its just that... well, the more you want to avoid it... the more sucked in you are. Isn't it? Birocrasy and Medicine can never be separated, no? I wonder am I just so influenced by the drama's that I have been watching... but then again... there is some sence of truth. Some thoughtless people can be bastards or bitches, its how the world runs.

The only way to beat this type of people is actually to be the top notch of the bunch. Having the courage to stand for what is right and having the integrity to do so. If only we are not influenced by the people around us.

What happens if lets say, money over doing what is right. People can be so fickle with money. Somehow... the printed piece of paper is more valueable that what it really cost.

To be able to not turn down a patient, even though he's a 70 year old junkie and saving his life only to know that he may not lead a longer life... is integrity because, you are a doctor and he is a patient.

I wonder if I am able to stand up to my own words when I made my mind to venture into this career saying that... becoming a doctor has allowed me to create a platform where equal treatment is given to all despite gender, race nor religion or age for that matter. Not to be under the influence of money.

Easier said than done... but I guess that is the challenge.

I was wondering... im not a genius, but I believe I have the heart. Is it enough for me to pull through. The world spins around those who turns it.

I was standing, would there be people standing with me? Am I prepared to be alone knowing that my ideology might be a bit of a realist? - I don't know.

Before I have the right to say so... I must be able to go through Medical School eyh. With the diversity of human available, its a jungle out there.

Only saviour? - A.L.L.A.H.
If it weren't because of Him... I won't be here.


By the way... I was wondering, who wants to grow old with me and talk about farts? Seriously its funny but hey... when you wanna grow old with somebody, it better be someone you can talk about farts with because... only then you would know that you lived you life well because simply, you have no more topics to talk or argue about - well spoken life with partner.

Right ne?