In all honesty that I posses in this wee hours of morning in a country named Malaysia. I would say, you would never know and I, myself will never know. Who am I? Until today if I was taking an exam about myself... I would never get 100%. It is because I am dynamic. Ever changing. Not a person without principle... but a 'situational' kind of person. Never disregard the pillar of stones but react differently to each condition present.
Am I a hypocrite? Everybody at certain point of their life... would have to be but you may never know when that would happen.
Reflecting to myself...
You would never know if what you did was good enough. You would never know whether you would make it? You would never know whether you acheived what your innermost person wants to reach. You would never know.
Why of all times... do I feel like I have lost confidence in god and in myself. Of course as a domino effect. You don't believe in Allah = You're killing your own confidence.
I commit sins almost everyday. You could say my addiction is getting worse. Truthfully... I think that is the only bad part of me that I have yet to cure/save/change... put any synonyms to it. Its the same. Unchangeable. I'm sick and tired of it but yet this addiction craves back in.
Of all the musawafat tarbiyah, I fail to do this one. Just this. Im looking foward to this ramadhan as a battle field for me to save myself. If in due time i fail... than, I would certainly lost hope. I don't know what is the cure. Although most would say being close to Allah is the cure. Yes I know but it is easier said than done.
I resent myself sometimes but I have to accept who I am in the end of the day.
Between Australia and Ireland. I would prefer by 100 times to set my foot in Australia. However being and underprivilage scholar student I go wherever Allah thinks is the best for me.
I should not complain because many are in the unfortunate shoes... and some might consider me to be ungrateful... but really one cannot deny desire can they. Its my dream and my desire to go there. To me... feeling is more important. It gets you through eventhough it might kill you.
I wonder if Allah still cares about me.
Hah!~, misinterpretation of "Allah cares" always happen. Just because things don't happen the way you want it... it does not mean Allah does not love you. He just wants to test you. Make you stronger and more optimistic in life.
Of course when really hits ya sometimes you would say its all bullshit... but in actual truth there would always be a silver lining behind the gray clouds. The rainbow after the rain... and actually rain symbolises happiness.
Hence, you would never know. All you do is.... Allah is always2 there.
“… Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace.” (13:28)