Monday, November 29, 2010

Randomness....

Today is my last day of work. Genap 3 and 3/4 month bekerja sebagai junior account executive. Walau sebenarnya hanyalah kuli... but an experience is still an experience no matter at what angle you look at it. I am thankful for eventhough I groan every morning like any other random teenager... I don't hop off the bed and psych myself to go to work.

Most of my mornings are accompanied by,
1. Slammin the alram clock + groaning
2. "Jap!~ Lagi 5 minit!~"
3. Groaning in my blanket "Malasnye nak pergi kerja!~"
4. "Kakak (my maid), tolong gosok tudung nih"
5. "Kereta kat mana?"
6. "Alamak... dah lambat!"

Yes. Its like that. -_-!~

Looking back at it... lawak jugak... but what can you expect eyh? Of course, sometimes we all have to be more responsible and more professional. Work is work. Kalau tak, halal ker duit gaji kita dapat tuh?

However, this brings me back to the first thing I did when I got the job. Bayar zakat pendapatan. Haha.. i know that this is like the last thing that any young adult(Are we still a teenager?) would think of but I did. Concious must right? Tapi.... after I went to calculate the zakat - it turned out to be... Tak layak pun. Gaji sikit sangat. Buat lawak jer.


But its the thought that counts.


Anyways, work was fine when it comes to the ending. Met so many type of people and their behavior and well i made this up 'When you drive absent mindly, you get to new places, aka - sesat'. But I know better now. My KL driving is 10x more better then before. I wont' forget my boss. A very sensible kind of lady who don't mind whacking people up when they need it. Seriously.

Btw, growing up... I always question myself. Why was I not born a male? I used to think that if I was a boy... it would please my dad more. I acted like one. Dressed like one but i guess when you are a girl, you still are a girl. Males have more responsibility that I know I couldn't carry. Im better off as a girl. :P

So now im in my 'preparing to go oversea' phase. I know other people have minimal time to get ready and next thing you know, whoosh and off they go. I still here counting my days and wondering whether I will get through. I think I am collecting dust in my brain and need some grease to sort it out. KMB changed me. Now I can't even look at an academic book in the house. The house feels like it doesn't have the 'you have to study' vibe.

You know, there are few things that I am not good at. One noteably, I am not good at saying goodbye. I act like everything would be fine but I can't ... I don't know.. display the feelings when parting. The pain comes afterward. I tend to be stone-rock when saying goodbye but please do understand, relationship with close ones is upmost important to me. Im just never good with words and feelings. Its a bit messed up.

Thing about moving foward is... sometimes, someone is bound to be left behind and dissapear. I did it to others... others did it to me. So, its karma. In another word, circle of life. Im saying this because... in life you meet so many people that of course in present they mean the world to you and yet as time pass by... they just disspear with time, moving on, on their own.

Im not saying its a bad thing... but its just the way it is. I don't know if you have super-memory but i can't remember who was my best friend in kindergarden. Do you? Another thing is... when you separate to different places... it takes effort to maintain the relationship (friendship) that you cherish a lot.

But overtime... I take peace in understanding that I can't be holding people down with me... to always be in constant communication with me... to always remember me. Yes, we fade with memory and dirt (when you die). So, i guess... the saying "you never know what you have until you lose it" goes a long way.

Then, by this, its actually important to live in the moment and make the other people know and realise that they are important to you. Even if its just with a reassuring smile, i guess it would be enough.

Facebook don't cut it. Really.

So I would question again, do people really do notice that we care and that they are important to us? If you are with me, sorry... you won't get it verbally. I don't say it. I would just be there and that I think, is the most proper way. Not only by words.




I am looking forward to the future with hopes that it would be better than my past. :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Are We Lying to Ourselves?

Its one things to lie... but its another to lie to ourselves. I am not sure in what direction is this topic going to bring me... but its something that I have pondered upon.

Am I lying to myself? Are you lying to yourself?

In fact... I don't know. Hypocrasy? Maybe... but humans can't avoid that right? Because humans are ever-dynamic and changing.

I don't know.

Maybe the phrase is more co-incidental with 'Am I kidding myself?'. A state of disbelief.

I do not know how many barrels of courage i need... but I sure need it fast. Like pronto. The feeling of sick in the gut and unnerving... is well, not really fun. But I'll just have to suck it in and face it.

Reality.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Moreoften Than Not

Sebenarnye... selalu je rasa like suffacating and miserable. Moreoften than not... I will sink to the deep abyss and well... float again. Macam org cakap, 'Iman tu, naik dan turun". For someone like me, rasanya macam lebih turun selalu than naik. -_-!
Tapi.. its not good to always bersangka buruk... bersangka buruk dgn diri sendiri lagila... bunyi cam takde confidence lansung.

Siapa kata nak change tu easy. Although ppl say, (ataupun saya dgr kat iklan HBO tuh, 'The only constant thing in urlife IS change').. tapi hakikatnye... berubah itu susah. Nak berubah jahat?? Mak oii... senang giler. Mana tak nyer.... setan2 berkeliaran.. buzzing around our heads worst than those dang mosquitoes kat forest tuh.

Nak change jadi baik. Like the quote yg sudah embed dlm otak nih sejak primary school. 'If there is a will... there is a way'. Tapi, bila dah kena penangan the social norm.. mulalah nak teragak2. Kadang2, rasa macam kita kena act tak main pusing jer. Like we don't care what other people say.

Ultimately, siapa yang kita patut kisah pandanganya ialah the Great Mighty Allah. Tapi.. selemah2 iman yang lagi nipis dari udara nih.. hebat gak. Rasa nak give up jer most of the time. Takdela give up like resort back to what I was... tapi give up to actually take a step further. Ibarat macam kata nak diet... tapi selang dua hari.. dah crash diet tu. Macam tulah.

Tapi... perasaan yang paling best lepas dah lama lepak dgn kawan2 kat KMB ialah Allah tetap dan masih sayangkan saya.

Ceritanya begini.

Masa kat KMB, berpaut kepada roomate yang tersayang... setelah dibasuh oleh classmate tersayang... adala... bukak hati ni nak change my life sikit... adelah belajar benda2 baru... and of course know about Him more.

Dalam liat, tak liat tuh... adalah seret kaki ni gi surau kat blok... gi surau besar tuh... takdelah nak gi jaulah. Ultimately cuz... well.. 1st tak sure benda tuh (I am so sorry that I have doubts).. 2nd, sbb mama mmg tak bagi. Takkan nak lawan ckp mak kot. Kat surau, lepas terlambat satu tahun... sebenarnya, tazkirah tu best gak.. tapi biasala perempuan... nak ikut perfect timing, mmg terlajak. Pompuan mmg suka borak. :P

Lama2... constant jugak amal yg dibuat. Mainly because saya seorg yang suka plan. Consistency. Saya mmg cam tuh. Kalau plan nak tidor kul 10.00pm. Mmg saya akan tidur. Sbb... masa tuh dlm jadual confirm ada bangun qiam & study. So... life kat KMB mmg teratur for me. I know.. that at least adalaa jugak kawan2 yang tolong remindkan.

Pastu, adela moments yang jiwang. Realization that actually diri ini sebenarnya lansung tak setanding dgn sesiapa pon. Taraf mmg baik rendah punya. Tapi... hanya in several aspectlaa... rasa cam tak perlu explain lebih2. Sendiri faham sudeyh.

Lepas keluar KMB... rasanya macam kosong semacam. Mmg kosong pon... itupun isi dgn hanya baca2 blog org. (Thanks korang.. at least adela jugak material) Lepas tu.. lagi parah. Nafsu kat jiwa nih tak duduk diam. Ibarat - driving me up the wall -. Kadang2 benci gak diri nih sbb mcm tu tapi ntah.. mmg cam tuh. Adelah tahan seminggu dua.. pastuh crash balik. Pathetickan?

Anyways... rasa mcm Allah tu nak bagi saya bukak mata kot.. sbb tu dia bagi saya kerja. At least takdelaa byk sgt lagha. Tapi.. adela a knock on reality. Susah kot. Bila dah kerja nih. Semua kena bayar sendiri. Wow. Payah jugak sebenarnye.... bila imagine dah betu2 kerja... hurm. Tapi sebenarnye... rezeki itu cukup jer... its whether kita nak suitkan diri kita dgn rezeki yg ada atau berpura2 tak sedar, dan inginkan lebih. Terutamanya manusia ini tamak... saya pun included.

And then bantai pulak dgn environment yang 'cenggitu'. Kalau kita dalam group social kita sendiri... senangla nak navigate. Bila dah tercampak kat reality dunia sebenar... Cuak mau dibuatnye. Ada siapa berani nak stand up dgn boss. Beggers can't be choosers... but you can choose to be a begger or not. Ini adalah dilemma yang kadang2 saya fikir bila nak masuk alam bekerja nanti... sbb of course... mula2 tuh.. option is not a choice. Lagi2 jadi oversea grad. Nanti balik M'sia mesti kena basuh bersih ngan senior doc.

Ini sbnnyer.. mcm dah off topic... Sory.

Okay2, berbalik - Dalam terumbang ambing camnih... adela saya singgah kedai buku. tak terbukak lansung hati ini nak gi belek buku2 agama. Adala jeling2... sbb mmg culture beli buku nih kureng sikit dlm family saya. Yang ada hanya knowledge based... related to religion tu ada... tapi parents I punyala. Thats all.

Bila dah i enforce nak beli... pastu ngan janji nak bayar balik. Barula buku tu boleh angkut balik. Hahah... tapi mak saya tu nanti dia ckp... "tak yah, pakai je duit tu gi isi minyak kereta" . Bestkan mak saya. Saya mmg syg mak saya. So deal with it. Namun begitu, buku yang diangkut balik itu bukanlah buku agama... tetapi buku cerita.

Terbaikkan. Buku cerita vs buku agama. Like I said. Allah tetap dan masih sayangkan saya. Sbb buku cerita tu menyebabkan saya tulis post ini. Buku cerita nih mmg boleh cucuk hati sayalah... tak tau macam mana nak explain. But whatever it is... it drives me to go a step further. Everything in that book buat saya nak berubah sgt2. Presentation wise.. mmg style. Cuz im a story book reader. Allah knows me so well... sampai dia tahu cara nak gerakkan hati saya. Through a storybook.

Does any human knows how to do that to me? I doubt it.

Mmg style. Terbaik.

Of course... senang ckp tapi tak senang buat. Ya Allah... tlgla sabarkan hati hambamu ini.. nak ckp meniarap pun rasa nak sampai lagi. -_-!.

Jadi... saya rasa Allah mmg sgt sayangkan saya. I think He really miss me a lot. Yelah.. dah jarang dating tgh2 malam. So subtly, dia tergerakkan hati utk i beli buku cerita itu dan rasa begini. Infromation and reference dlm buku tu cukup for me to google and read (belum buat tetapi akan, insyallah) Haih.. susahla nak explain.

Btw... saya tak pernah ada bf.... but whatever it is... i think the feeling superseade the feelings btw mortals. Best kot. ( I tau I tgh perasan... so let me be. :P )

And again... nak jadi baik ni.. susah. Nak kena kuat sikit. Jihad terbesar ialah lawan nafsukan? Hah.. tak yah gi perang2... duk rumah lawan nafsu dulu. Kiranya... baby steps la nih.. cuba balik pada rutin amal masa di KMB dan seterusnya perbaiki and maju lebih kehadapan. Its hard but its not impossible. Saya nih.. nak kena tegarkan jiwa nih sikit. Dia manja sikit dengan saya... so i guess kena tough it up a bit.


On a final note... Versus - Hlovate - mmg cintan cintun. Tak deny pun. Tapi, its just the trigger but not the explosion. It meets more than the eye. It goes straight to ur heart. Habis menangis di buatnye.. sampai tak tidor. Style. Me likey. Hehe. :)




Alamak.. dah jadi mcm promoter la pulak.

:P