Saturday, November 13, 2010

Moreoften Than Not

Sebenarnye... selalu je rasa like suffacating and miserable. Moreoften than not... I will sink to the deep abyss and well... float again. Macam org cakap, 'Iman tu, naik dan turun". For someone like me, rasanya macam lebih turun selalu than naik. -_-!
Tapi.. its not good to always bersangka buruk... bersangka buruk dgn diri sendiri lagila... bunyi cam takde confidence lansung.

Siapa kata nak change tu easy. Although ppl say, (ataupun saya dgr kat iklan HBO tuh, 'The only constant thing in urlife IS change').. tapi hakikatnye... berubah itu susah. Nak berubah jahat?? Mak oii... senang giler. Mana tak nyer.... setan2 berkeliaran.. buzzing around our heads worst than those dang mosquitoes kat forest tuh.

Nak change jadi baik. Like the quote yg sudah embed dlm otak nih sejak primary school. 'If there is a will... there is a way'. Tapi, bila dah kena penangan the social norm.. mulalah nak teragak2. Kadang2, rasa macam kita kena act tak main pusing jer. Like we don't care what other people say.

Ultimately, siapa yang kita patut kisah pandanganya ialah the Great Mighty Allah. Tapi.. selemah2 iman yang lagi nipis dari udara nih.. hebat gak. Rasa nak give up jer most of the time. Takdela give up like resort back to what I was... tapi give up to actually take a step further. Ibarat macam kata nak diet... tapi selang dua hari.. dah crash diet tu. Macam tulah.

Tapi... perasaan yang paling best lepas dah lama lepak dgn kawan2 kat KMB ialah Allah tetap dan masih sayangkan saya.

Ceritanya begini.

Masa kat KMB, berpaut kepada roomate yang tersayang... setelah dibasuh oleh classmate tersayang... adala... bukak hati ni nak change my life sikit... adelah belajar benda2 baru... and of course know about Him more.

Dalam liat, tak liat tuh... adalah seret kaki ni gi surau kat blok... gi surau besar tuh... takdelah nak gi jaulah. Ultimately cuz... well.. 1st tak sure benda tuh (I am so sorry that I have doubts).. 2nd, sbb mama mmg tak bagi. Takkan nak lawan ckp mak kot. Kat surau, lepas terlambat satu tahun... sebenarnya, tazkirah tu best gak.. tapi biasala perempuan... nak ikut perfect timing, mmg terlajak. Pompuan mmg suka borak. :P

Lama2... constant jugak amal yg dibuat. Mainly because saya seorg yang suka plan. Consistency. Saya mmg cam tuh. Kalau plan nak tidor kul 10.00pm. Mmg saya akan tidur. Sbb... masa tuh dlm jadual confirm ada bangun qiam & study. So... life kat KMB mmg teratur for me. I know.. that at least adalaa jugak kawan2 yang tolong remindkan.

Pastu, adela moments yang jiwang. Realization that actually diri ini sebenarnya lansung tak setanding dgn sesiapa pon. Taraf mmg baik rendah punya. Tapi... hanya in several aspectlaa... rasa cam tak perlu explain lebih2. Sendiri faham sudeyh.

Lepas keluar KMB... rasanya macam kosong semacam. Mmg kosong pon... itupun isi dgn hanya baca2 blog org. (Thanks korang.. at least adela jugak material) Lepas tu.. lagi parah. Nafsu kat jiwa nih tak duduk diam. Ibarat - driving me up the wall -. Kadang2 benci gak diri nih sbb mcm tu tapi ntah.. mmg cam tuh. Adelah tahan seminggu dua.. pastuh crash balik. Pathetickan?

Anyways... rasa mcm Allah tu nak bagi saya bukak mata kot.. sbb tu dia bagi saya kerja. At least takdelaa byk sgt lagha. Tapi.. adela a knock on reality. Susah kot. Bila dah kerja nih. Semua kena bayar sendiri. Wow. Payah jugak sebenarnye.... bila imagine dah betu2 kerja... hurm. Tapi sebenarnye... rezeki itu cukup jer... its whether kita nak suitkan diri kita dgn rezeki yg ada atau berpura2 tak sedar, dan inginkan lebih. Terutamanya manusia ini tamak... saya pun included.

And then bantai pulak dgn environment yang 'cenggitu'. Kalau kita dalam group social kita sendiri... senangla nak navigate. Bila dah tercampak kat reality dunia sebenar... Cuak mau dibuatnye. Ada siapa berani nak stand up dgn boss. Beggers can't be choosers... but you can choose to be a begger or not. Ini adalah dilemma yang kadang2 saya fikir bila nak masuk alam bekerja nanti... sbb of course... mula2 tuh.. option is not a choice. Lagi2 jadi oversea grad. Nanti balik M'sia mesti kena basuh bersih ngan senior doc.

Ini sbnnyer.. mcm dah off topic... Sory.

Okay2, berbalik - Dalam terumbang ambing camnih... adela saya singgah kedai buku. tak terbukak lansung hati ini nak gi belek buku2 agama. Adala jeling2... sbb mmg culture beli buku nih kureng sikit dlm family saya. Yang ada hanya knowledge based... related to religion tu ada... tapi parents I punyala. Thats all.

Bila dah i enforce nak beli... pastu ngan janji nak bayar balik. Barula buku tu boleh angkut balik. Hahah... tapi mak saya tu nanti dia ckp... "tak yah, pakai je duit tu gi isi minyak kereta" . Bestkan mak saya. Saya mmg syg mak saya. So deal with it. Namun begitu, buku yang diangkut balik itu bukanlah buku agama... tetapi buku cerita.

Terbaikkan. Buku cerita vs buku agama. Like I said. Allah tetap dan masih sayangkan saya. Sbb buku cerita tu menyebabkan saya tulis post ini. Buku cerita nih mmg boleh cucuk hati sayalah... tak tau macam mana nak explain. But whatever it is... it drives me to go a step further. Everything in that book buat saya nak berubah sgt2. Presentation wise.. mmg style. Cuz im a story book reader. Allah knows me so well... sampai dia tahu cara nak gerakkan hati saya. Through a storybook.

Does any human knows how to do that to me? I doubt it.

Mmg style. Terbaik.

Of course... senang ckp tapi tak senang buat. Ya Allah... tlgla sabarkan hati hambamu ini.. nak ckp meniarap pun rasa nak sampai lagi. -_-!.

Jadi... saya rasa Allah mmg sgt sayangkan saya. I think He really miss me a lot. Yelah.. dah jarang dating tgh2 malam. So subtly, dia tergerakkan hati utk i beli buku cerita itu dan rasa begini. Infromation and reference dlm buku tu cukup for me to google and read (belum buat tetapi akan, insyallah) Haih.. susahla nak explain.

Btw... saya tak pernah ada bf.... but whatever it is... i think the feeling superseade the feelings btw mortals. Best kot. ( I tau I tgh perasan... so let me be. :P )

And again... nak jadi baik ni.. susah. Nak kena kuat sikit. Jihad terbesar ialah lawan nafsukan? Hah.. tak yah gi perang2... duk rumah lawan nafsu dulu. Kiranya... baby steps la nih.. cuba balik pada rutin amal masa di KMB dan seterusnya perbaiki and maju lebih kehadapan. Its hard but its not impossible. Saya nih.. nak kena tegarkan jiwa nih sikit. Dia manja sikit dengan saya... so i guess kena tough it up a bit.


On a final note... Versus - Hlovate - mmg cintan cintun. Tak deny pun. Tapi, its just the trigger but not the explosion. It meets more than the eye. It goes straight to ur heart. Habis menangis di buatnye.. sampai tak tidor. Style. Me likey. Hehe. :)




Alamak.. dah jadi mcm promoter la pulak.

:P

3 comments:

  1. i guess, the first step towards changing is realizing that there is the need to change. progress is progress right? :)

    and it's mindblowing how much God helps us, but sometimes it's so subtle and minute that we always miss it. so i guess we always have to keep an open mind, and selalu peka if not we'll miss out on so many opportunities. and to surround ourselves with good people, because we all need reminders kan.

    ps. saya pun tak pernah ada bf. jom buat geng! ;)

    -sahabat. (muahaha!)

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  2. Having written all this shows that yes, God is guiding you and moving your heart to change.. Am not so clear as to what change you want but I truly understand that we always strive to be better even if some days we `fall'.. Take care dear. Miss ya!

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  3. dee! :D

    ustaz erfino ckp, there's this hadith, i didnt get to copy it coz it was a bit long, but essentially it said, apa yang rasulullah saw larang jgn buat, but apa yang rasulullah suh buat, buat sekadar mampu.

    but sekadar mampu is not equals to sambil lewa. if that is the extent to which u are able to perform at that time, then thats it. dont feel bad. this is the essential thing he said each of us must have: SELF-CONFIDENCE. always3 be confident that we did our best and Allah accepts our deeds. its really bad in every aspect to think otherwise.

    jgn fokus kpd failure. fokus on wats good about urself and apply it in your performance to Allah. always considers anything you do to Allah as a performance. u'll want to do a whole lot better when you consider yourself a performer on a 'stage'.

    *just got this less than 8hours ago. will try and apply it to me too. cheers~ ;) luvluv <3

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