Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Found this - :D

If you never felt pain or experienced problem
How would you know that I'm the Healer.

If you never made a mistake
How would you know that I'm the Forgiver

If your were never hurt,
How would you know I'm the Comforter

If your life were perfect,
Then why would you ever need Me.


Monday, November 14, 2011

The Pattern

Assalamualaikum.. :D

Did anyone ever realise that most of my post on this blog is about me moping around and not being happy, maybe seemingly frustrated all the time...??

I did - Just now.

Haha... funny. Its when im upset and not in a good mood, worried and feeling crappy that I would write anything at all.

I guess its a habit to just not keep things on the inside you know.

But then again, unlike most people... i don't actually keep a record of my life. I don't take pictures, don't write about the good stuff that happened to me. Im not good at it!~ I think I just savour the moment as it is and let it pass by.

Gosh, I think when im old.. I have nothing to look back on. T.T

Then again, the most important thing is to improve yourself as each day pass by.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Little Flutter in Your Heart

Assalamualaikum!~ ^.^

The title - I have to admit is a little misleading... but still. It does have some sense truth in it. :P

Today - 28.10.2010 - is the last lecture day of the final first year medical school hurdle. Fuu... the baton now is passed fully to us to run and sprint to the finishing line.

Kinda funny when you think about it - the lecturer told us to smell the roses while we're at it.

So... being the un-perfect me there are concerns here and there. The nervousness just sometimes will get to you without you even realising it. I just hope the last sprint is a good one. I need to pass first year of medical school.

Come on!~ This is what I have been waiting for!~

Years and years of hard work with what I hope a very sincere journey from high to the end of first year of medical school - hopefully doesn't end me with a sprained ankle or fracture or even a dislocation stop me from getting to the finishing line.

I know, i know.. a bit dramatic for just finishing first year but still.. a hurdle is still a hurdle.

Deep down inside.. I don't know - I often feel that I want to be a daie' but I want to do it in my own style. Guided of course but not tied to the same routine and restricted and i don't know.. caged?

I have this great intention in my heart and I want to be able to reach other people through their heart.. not just by being this identity which is not even me. I don't know how it will go.

I do have to admit i feel jealous when other people seem fall into line and being so into it and Im not. Its not that I want that greatness of Allah to not be spread, I do.. but just in a different way I guess. Oh I don't know what I am saying.

Im a free-spirited soul wanting to spread the truth about Allah love to others without feeling caged. Yeah.. I don't know if there is something wrong with me.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't be myself when I am in that group. Its not a bad thing being that group its just that it seems that I have lost my empowerment on myself. Its like following a rigid framework that must be exactly like that.

I guess I need to learn and open my heart more. Settle my own feelings and move on with it. With good intentions and most of all - effort. They did say, being on Allah's road wasn't an easy thing... but I want to do it nonetheless.

May Allah guide me always....

Friday, October 21, 2011

Being lost again...


This post is not really going to be a happy. Its more like me, trying to console myself - like i always do.

Even though it has been about a year being in oversea, i still cannot fit myself into the batch-mate as well as the community.

Every time i make myself present, I feel hypocritical and above all useless. I have no idea what am I doing here and how am I suppose to socialise with people. Its really a tough barrier to break and I really hate it.

I really feel small and useless to some point and I know i just have to motivate myself. People often say that they accept me as who I am but.. I don't feel or see that.

But above all.. i feel like I don't have someone to fall back onto. I wonder if its a trust issue... Many times it has been laughing together but no one has yet cried together with me. Hence, this unsettled feeling I have been having.

So again... Im always alone.

Alone just because of my different way of life and principles.
Im not really a fun person to be around. So, i just stay on my own on my side.

Most probably, I would have to just keep quiet most of the time but continuing to smile - sincerely i hope.
Im homesick.. i just wanna go home to my family and be done with it.

I lost my confidence long time ago.. and I need time to build it back. I don't know where it has gone to.
So i just, really.. wanna.. go home.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


I feel so frustrated!~~
Ya Allah, kuatkanlah hati ini untuk bertahan seketika lagi.

Ya Allah, apalah dayaku untuk berhadapan dengan situasi ini.

Ya Allah, apalah kudratku untuk bertahan dengan situasi ini.

Adakah patut aku pasrah, adakah patut aku rempuh dinding tu dan bertanya..

Sesungguhnya, org yg kuat itu adalah orang yang menahan marahnya...
tapi hati in sudah lama sedih dan pilu.

Salahkah aku merajuk dan terasa and rasa ingin tidak peduli..
tapi pengetahuanku memaksa diriku beradab.

Bukan dilemma besar pun... tapi hati ini tetap mengeluh.

Diana.. bawaklah bersabar, Pujuklah hati tu... tegarkan jiwa tu.
Masalah ini kecil je.. tapi teruslah tunaikan haknya.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The need... for...

The more I lived.. the more that I am exposed.. the more that I feel the need.

Not the childish minded, not the teenage hormone influenced brain.. but just.. a great awareness.

The need is great.

Ah.. is this it? - Is this the feeling that Im waiting for.

I rather that it came slowly and not rushed so that I would be committed to it.

Lets see how we go eyh?


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Mine... and Its All Mine. Really? Think Again.

They say, "Everything was given to them on a silver platter". They say, "Everything is within reach and in hand". They say, "Anything and everything could be theirs".

They say, "I worked hard for this". They say, "I deserve this". They say, "Ah well... the world isn't fair, winners and losers are players in this world".

But Allah have said...
" To Allah belongs all that is in the heavens and all that is on the earth, and whether you disclose what is in your ownselves or conceal it, Allah will call you to account for it. Then He forgives whom He wills and punishes whom He wills. And Allah is Able to do all things"
Al-Baqarah 2:284

I recently realise, that none in this world is mine except for my sins and deeds.

I even realise that 'time' does not even belong to me.

I realise nothing is mine to give or take.

Ah... this really insignificant feeling really just made me realise how small I am and how thankful I am to be loaned such a life.

Alhamdullillah, Ya Allah.

Thank you for everything... for the things that you gave me.

For the things that is not mine nor deserve in the first place.

"Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?"
Ar-Rahman 55: 16

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Feelings You Seem Not To Have...

When you have something great.... would you keep it to yourself or give it to other for others to feel and have?
Of course, for the greater good, pass it on they say.

I have been having doubts - plenty. Of myself, my confidence, my conscious...

What more does world want from me?? its this very doubtful, very insecure... my vocabulary is not great enough to even describe it... this feeling.

I just wish someone or something to just hold me and just comfort me and just tell me that its okay. Its okay to be like this.

I have this great thing for me, within me, given to me... something that I haven't even explored to great depth and have yet to understand fully and haven't even satisfied myself with it. Why can't anyone understand that I am not ready yet to give it to others.

Selfish? Yeah.. pretty much.

Its going to take a while... but I hope I get there because.. right now this feeling that other people seems to have and enjoy, I don't seem to have it. i can't feel anything.

Am i that heartless?

That's that for now. I hope it changes soon.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Post Exam Blues

Assalamualaikum~ ^,^

Its been a while since isn't it? Truthfully... I don't even know what to write. There isn't anything worth mentioning.
However... i think this has happened to many times that I think it is significant enough to written here. By the way, a word of warning though - its girlie in a icky-icky way. Hence, leave now if you don't wanna get involved. ^.^!

As a summary of the hottest topic for a stressful first year medical school its always about getting hitched. Aka - married. Hahah... even i think its really funny. The best part of it all... all of us blame our raging hormone and built in mechanism to reproduce at such a glorified, reproducible age. At one point... i was so stressed with the workload that i just wish someone would take me as a housewife. Pathetic, I know!~~ -_-.

However... there is always a reason why Im here. In the continent of Australia... doing medicine. To build my knowledge about Islam and at the same time strive for the best in doing Medicine and eventually a great - no good but a great doctor. I have a wishful thinking that I have a clear conscious reason as to why I am doing Medicine. Sometimes I would have doubts, 'Can I really do this? Did i get into the wrong course?' Its kinda too late to think about that now.... but I still have them!~ So, Im just going to make the best of it. It hard and I admit it, Its stressful and yes... sometimes you feel like burying yourself and never resurface.

Having a brain, capabilities and normal human function = it is a damn huge responsibility. From the outside, we feel emphatic to those who have Down Syndrome. Yes, its pitiful... but know that, they are among the luckiest people on Earth. To those who know that life on Earth is short compared to the Hereafter... they too will agree that people like those having Down Syndrome are the lucky ones. They have less responsibility than we do. Where we stand and what we do, determines our endpoint. Either good or bad. Its never both. They don't have to worry about that. We do.

So... after having constant encounters with babies and toddler and kids... we all wanted kids. Like now. I am definitely not exempted. Which is funny actually because i opposed getting married early but now.. when im kinda like 21... its somehow turned a switch in my cerebellum that.. 'owh... you can reproduce now. Get on it...' -_-! Ahh... i sound desperate.

But then, reality kicks in and well you just realise its not really that easy. Its not. Maybe im writing this down to comfort myself to actually accept the reality of life that.. well.. marriage? As much as I really want it... and really-really want it. Maybe im just not ready.. and Allah knows that. He is the best determiner of all. He will determine whether I'll eventually marry someone -get the pun??- or even have kids. Thing is... Im really ambitious. Being with me is going to be a rough paved road. Or at least im imagining its going to be like that. i wonder if there will be anyone who wants to experience hardship with me... and still with all this, at least 3 kids or even 5. I like it to be an odd number. :D

Just the other day... me and some friends were discussing about this and how eventually we must reach that Baitulmuslim level. But first we need to change ourselves for the better. Of course, it doesn't mean that you have to be perfect and only then you can get married... its just that... haha... i don't know. Being married is hard isn't it? And yet we still want too be married!~ Its just so funny. Like my friend said.. life is like a ferris wheel, it has its ups and downs and sometimes it breaks down when you least expected it too.

This topic has been bothering me a lot... i guess when you are surrounded by younger people - you'll feel old. Haha. ^.^ So, i guess.... when i have expressed it all here... it wont bother me anymore. My current responsibility is to learn about Islam and learn how to be come a Doctor. Not just learning Medicine. When the time is right... marriage and kids will come. For now, I'll put it aside and enjoy my leftover youth. Wahaha!~ *evil laugh*

Don't worry ne!~

At-Talaq-65:3 :- And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion.

Just worry about passing Med school. *_*!~

P/s: I miss my mommy, daddy and sissys :(

Saturday, June 11, 2011



Currently wishing my life was life a fairy-tale. Its not really a good time to be day dreaming especially when exam is 3 days away.

But I can't help it. I wish life is like a fairy-tale.

I guess the stress of exam is getting to me.

Its like there's a tug-o-war going on in the head.

Btw, if i ever have the opportunity... just like real stories in life : i want an epic love-life.

Too far-fetched. I know!~ ^.~

A gurl can always hope right?

..... enough ranting... this is truly procrastination at its best.
I wasn't even like this in KMB. Sheesh!~


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Pokok.. ^.^


Weird. That would be definitely... the first time I ever greet from a blog pov. I think i'll make it a habit from now on. LOL.

Everyday I would be sitting facing the window-sill of my bedroom. I guess its a no brainer that I don't really go out much. I have a habit staring outside my window and look at the trees... but today, I realised something.

I wonder if some part of our life can be similar metaphorically to the trees around us. They are abundant right?

The trees outside my window are tall. Most of them have scars from the broken branches as they grow up. Unlike in Malaysia, the trees here shed their skin. Rarely.. but they sometimes would produce flowers and most of the time there will be birds on them. If they're lucky, there would be a nest. When the wind blows.. they would shake a lot... they'll lose their leaves but their roots still stay in the ground. I don't know what they'll look like in the winter.. it hasn't come yet. but i guess they'll shed their leaves.

Trees grow tall to compete with each other to get the sun.. its as if we should compete but with ourselves to gain whats best for us. As we grow.. we would encounter things that would scar us and hurt our feelings.. sometimes, lose something in the way. But we manage to grow more wiser and bigger. Sometimes... we will look the prettiest and sometimes people would just disregard us... but we should feel lucky and thankful if sometimes we get to be useful to anyone. There would be moments in life where we really just have to stop and think, there will be a lot challenges and sometimes takes us far away from the route of Allah. However we must hold on to our grounds like the trees and stay with Him.. And finally I guess, when when we truly repent, only then the sins will shed like the trees in winter.

Maybe there is more than what i've said.. there's too much actually. Hence, what I've said is just a glimpse of the whole picture.

No one ever bothered about the trees... but just stare at them and you'll know what I mean.. maybe u'll discover something too.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Body Talks

How many of you out there talks to your body part.

Seriously... I mean, not in a psychotic way but just everyday small talks with your body part.

I do.. and in fact, I really think its important.. because Allah loans them to you.

For example, if i just walked a long distance and come back home.. i'll say sorry to my legs. Since I've never experience autumn and winter (I had no idea it would be this dry.. -_-!) I'll say sorry to my skin for not putting moisturiser on them.

Sometimes I'll say sorry to my hands cuz I use them to write so much until it hurts.

Most importantly, I think.. talk to your 'heart' - the inner you. Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to encourage it to be more stronger and patient.

Appreciate your body parts!~

This is randomly brought by

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I Wanna Hold Your Hand ~~~

I bet the first thing that comes into your mind would either be The Beatles, or... i'm crazing for some kind of dude.

Nope you are wrong, I mean, for the hung up over some dude.

Truth is... im a glee fan. Damn crazy about them... but I loved this song too. When I first heard it.. of course, its like a couple thing and stuff... but then, Glee decided to make it into a ballad version - in which at the time Kurt's father was sick.

So now... if you only listen to the audio. Its has a lingering sad emotion to it. Since i am an imaginary person (.. though not all the time.. ), I imagined that the hands that I wanna hold is Allah's (figuratively speaking...)

That, my dear friends and well readers - (If i have any.. -_-) struck a chord so deep that I cried unreasonably.

Since i know, human beings are really not really magnificent in the first place, nothing great to boast about to our dear Allah.. hence, that insignificant feeling is there.. and you just want to say, "Dear Allah, i am here, look at me... look at me"

Of course, compared to the Women of the great Islamic time I am nothing.. but I wish I am something that Allah can be proud of. i don't want Allah to ever regret creating me in the first place, even though I still don't know why i am here. One of the things i can do is be good right?

So yeah, my point here is...
try and listen to the song.. and imagine the same thing that i am imagining... so maybe, you would feel the same sorrow that i am feeling and somehow.. i don't know.. awake something inside.

Yours Sincerely,

link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN85c6lOGHU

Should not be doing this now..

Sometimes, when you have not write anything for a long time... feelings and thought just unconsciously fills up the gap in the cervices of your brain.

Hence, these past couple of days have been a rollercoaster. Its currently 1.30 am in the morning and i have not yet completed my lecture. i know... this is so unlike me. Never have I been a procrastinator... but i guess, there is a first time for everything. I just need a break. Sadly, break comes after the exam.

I lazed around doing housework and ended up watching a Thai movie - love story, sob sob. Yes, we all adore the love story, such happy endings and the sorts. Then reminiscing my newly found exposure to the big responsibility as the worshipper of Allah makes me wonder what 'Love' is all about. Yes, the pumping hormone of excitement runs freely in ur blood when you watch lovey dovey movie but its not quite the same as the adrenaline pumping - beckoning you to prove yourself worthy of this minuscule existance... proving to other humanity that being a Muslimah/Muslim - is not really a bad thing.However, Islam in itself is self-explanatory. It exist even without prompts of human because it does not lose anything. We do.

By the way, i really don't know why sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything. Other than the fact I have just got 4 vaccination and the annoying crap feeling on my arm does not serve to be a reason for procrastination and feeling lazy. I should really give myself a slap in the face. Most probably sit down, and open my book and study instead of writing this.

Anyways, in the end, I am just a normal human being, not a superwomen. I'll make an effort tomorrow. If i can get up and not sleep. I really don't know whether I should drink coffee or not.. what keeps me going is coffee, once upon a time ago.. but arrgh.. dilemma.



Friday, March 11, 2011

Lost on a Friday pondering.

To some extent, getting lost on a Friday evening... might not be the best idea you can ever come up with. Somehow, its like a synonym when you don't get the 'direction light' from Allah. You meet up with drunk people along the way. But, Allah is His Most Merciful and Most Loving of all. He'll guide you back to the right path again i.e in this situation = home. :)

It was funny when I was from the Medical Library, stumbled across a new area in campus, encounter drunk people and ended at the Sports Center. That was just plain weird... but yeah, Allah is trying to say something.

Anyways, my conscience is clear.... its just that it is important for you people to know that... approaching someone and somehow ended up intimidating their level of confidence and capabilities.. its not good at all. Its makes you want to avoid that person. A lot. Look, I may portrait some kind of a loser and such, nerd.. geek... but I didn't come all the way here to and not learn anything new.

I know my limits. I don't need people to mistrust me. For me, mingling with other people allows me to know new things that I can't always get from the same circle of people. Seriously. Not just that, sometimes (or most of the time).. i relay information. Isn't that a good thing? It does not mean that I am going bar-hopping in broad daylight alright.

I know why I am here.

To some extent, i have heard... "Staying in Newcastle is to burden other people... ITS LIKE THAT." - In my head and i did blurt it out... "Doesn't it make you not independant?" - Look, im not saying that i don't burden other people... I do, sometimes its just unavoidable... but somehow I JUST REFUSE to practice such behaviour whenever I can.

Yeah, going to residential meeting is BORING!~.. but doesn't it teach you responsibility?

I don't know.. i get offended when people on the outside say things about things that matter's the most to me.

So what if I want to be at the venue 10 minutes earlier than everybody else? Does it bother you? Im trying to practice punctuality... so deal with it.

Call me 'skema'... 'freak' or whatever. Trust me, it does not cost me a penny.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Complete Awe

One thing I discovered about Aussie's that impresses me a lot is that, people of my age is graduating. How daunting is that... and here I am struggling to get my first degree at 21.

Jealous? - Maybe.

But seriously, these people were like 18 when they did their first degree.... but I couldn't argue with that can I. I mean, if you throw me into uni at age 21... most probably, I'll freak out. IB was enough of a freak-out I'll say. Then again, when I randomly talk to people, they would either be a lecturer, or someone who is doing their second degree and have said "oh, I did my masters last year".

To them education is addictive. o.0?

The best part of it all, some of them are married with bountiful children running around and scuttling here and there. Hence, what reason do we have to say that, 'alright, finished my degree and let move on with it'. Of course. Money. Its either you go book smart or street smart. There is a significant number of people who survived without a degree and makes thousands as we speak.

So, does this motivate me? Depends on the circumstances. Yes probably...


P.s - I met a someone in which the said person room is like a museum. Im in complete awe. There stones and valuable rock (i get to touch an unpolished diamond!~~~) in one corner, cuz he's a geologist/mineralogist/chemical environmentalist.. bla2. Then there were amazing zen/nature wall drapes and tea collection with the tea's (I get to taste - japanese garden). There were also, all kinds of weapon in the room... and most amazing part, the is part of the Naruto series illustrator / translator / merchandise creator. He can freaking draw. The list goes on and on.. and on. And2, he's a martial artist!~~ Jujitsu, kendo, fencing.. and guess what. He is 21. 0,o!~

I feel inferior. -_-!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Complexity of Me

When you are in a new place... sometimes, you think, 'hey... i can do this.' You know. Keep things optimistic. I mean, you want to avoid paranoia and at the same time wanting to grasp the reality of life that, hey, you are in a new place.

People around you will make the transition easy but for me its not something I want to be forced upon. Yes, dubious activities make you think about something else then home. However sincerely, that thought is always at the back of your head. Home is where the heart is. Coming here, I want to do what I am supposed to do. Study.

Then again, all work and no play makes Jill a dull girl. So, how do you divide time without feeling guilty. Tricky isn't it. I laughed about it myself. Of course the saying 'Take things in moderation' seems to calm people down.... but empirically, there is no way you can measure how much is moderation.

I miss TOK. >.
I like to network. At my own pace. With no one bothering me. So, if I don't join any presented activities. It does not mean I don't want to spend time with you... its just the timing is too abrupt and does not flow with my line of thoughts. Sounds selfish? Pretty much... but hey, i did allocated some time for you. I just have other commitments.

Care to offer me a chill pill? Sorry, I don't do drugs.

Caffeine? Well, its my guilty pleasure. Im sorry.

For the most part, I am to be blamed. I must understand that... people don't understand how complex I can be.

"The Complexity of D"

Right, so... bath time and hopefully and finally I would get something down, once and for all.


Sunday, February 13, 2011

Barangan Malaysia. :)

Finally I have arrived to the land of the Roo's and Koala bears.

Although, I have to be honest. I haven't see any yet. >.<

Anyways, through so many misfits and emotional, dramatic waves... i think im settled down. I think.
I have noooo idea on how well i am coping with my new life... but hopefully it will all be well.

My personal thoughts,
- Newcastle is not really that bad... but when you are in a new places things are kinda off overwhelming sometimes.
- Seniors are great. They really give you some sense of a great support and what not... but I just hope I am able to mingle around as much as I like too. Within boundaries of course.
- Some people, are reasonably generally friendly.. but then again. Not all of them.
- I sometimes think that I am feeling what all those immigrants from other country feel when they come to Malaysia... and ah, please accept my humble apology.

I miss home a lot. There's a lot of walking here. A lot more then Banting. One word I could use to describe it is... a journey to class would be like jungle-trekking.

I owe people letters. I promise I would get them done asap.
Once I figured out how to go to town again.

Btw, I took things for granted in Malaysia (and I bet most people do), Barangan Malaysia adalah lebih jauh bermutu tinggi. :P

Thats all for now.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Visual Board

This note is to remind myself to start making my visual board for the coming years. Making list is not adequate enough anymore.

This will really test - 'Seeing is Believing'

Anyways.. just a random question,
When you type too much, does your spelling abilities affected when you write with your hand?



Saturday, January 8, 2011


I have to admit. I get annoyed very easily. Angry? No, but most of the time annoyed. For all that it matters I would just brush it off my shoulders, keep my shoulder square and move on. I have no patience to dwell on something useless. My precious time and capability is needed somewhere else. I would rather slave on something I know will be fruitful instead.

You reap what you sow.

Only now, I understand the true meaning of 'connection' in context of survival skill. Survival of the fittest. Not long ago I used to believe that if I were to do things in the righteous ways... the road will open up to me and let me pass easily. However, in this situation... 'effort' miraculously has nothing to do with it.

It is who you know, that is important. But of course, Allah is always important... but yeah, difficulties (and annoyance!!) that you meet along the way... will instinctively tell you, you can't live your life without strings or spider webs. You need contacts.

The sentence 'No strings attached' are bound to be incorrect and an insult to all mankind. There is always is.. and always will.

However, these are the things that teach you the real meaning of patience and giving in to the will of Allah. Making you realise that you are not the one who is spinning the wheel of life. All you can do is to simmer down and breathe, positively knowing (and hoping) that tommorow is going to be a better day.

In time of dire need and positively critical... its always good to know that you can find someone reliable. I learnt that in the hard way, that 'contact - who you know or relate too - is very important. I think, we always learn well when things just decide to punch you in the face.

Only now that I know in some places in the world. 'Help' is very costly. I never knew it was... but now, the word 'help' for me gives a whole new definition. I guess, people can never be kind as you are.

True kindness that never ask anything in return are rare to find.

Oh well... there is always karma. I just hope it hit them back in the face.

If you people are wondering... yes, I am annoyed.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I wondered sometimes... to what extent do you reveal yourself. Of course, in this modern world brimming with techno's, gizmo's and other o's yet to unveil itself in the near future... sometimes, 'open' is too over-rated.

Whatever happen to the word 'privacy'?

I know and I acknowledge that most people do keep their life private and keep to themselves... but on a large percent, most people reveal themselves to the world, making their existence known. It feels good to be known.. but, to some extent, peace and quite does make a good company especially in 3/4 of night.


P/s : Bilala.. aku nak tahajud nih.. -_-!