Friday, October 28, 2011

The Little Flutter in Your Heart

Assalamualaikum!~ ^.^

The title - I have to admit is a little misleading... but still. It does have some sense truth in it. :P

Today - 28.10.2010 - is the last lecture day of the final first year medical school hurdle. Fuu... the baton now is passed fully to us to run and sprint to the finishing line.

Kinda funny when you think about it - the lecturer told us to smell the roses while we're at it.

So... being the un-perfect me there are concerns here and there. The nervousness just sometimes will get to you without you even realising it. I just hope the last sprint is a good one. I need to pass first year of medical school.

Come on!~ This is what I have been waiting for!~

Years and years of hard work with what I hope a very sincere journey from high to the end of first year of medical school - hopefully doesn't end me with a sprained ankle or fracture or even a dislocation stop me from getting to the finishing line.

I know, i know.. a bit dramatic for just finishing first year but still.. a hurdle is still a hurdle.

Deep down inside.. I don't know - I often feel that I want to be a daie' but I want to do it in my own style. Guided of course but not tied to the same routine and restricted and i don't know.. caged?

I have this great intention in my heart and I want to be able to reach other people through their heart.. not just by being this identity which is not even me. I don't know how it will go.

I do have to admit i feel jealous when other people seem fall into line and being so into it and Im not. Its not that I want that greatness of Allah to not be spread, I do.. but just in a different way I guess. Oh I don't know what I am saying.

Im a free-spirited soul wanting to spread the truth about Allah love to others without feeling caged. Yeah.. I don't know if there is something wrong with me.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't be myself when I am in that group. Its not a bad thing being that group its just that it seems that I have lost my empowerment on myself. Its like following a rigid framework that must be exactly like that.

I guess I need to learn and open my heart more. Settle my own feelings and move on with it. With good intentions and most of all - effort. They did say, being on Allah's road wasn't an easy thing... but I want to do it nonetheless.

May Allah guide me always....

Friday, October 21, 2011

Being lost again...


This post is not really going to be a happy. Its more like me, trying to console myself - like i always do.

Even though it has been about a year being in oversea, i still cannot fit myself into the batch-mate as well as the community.

Every time i make myself present, I feel hypocritical and above all useless. I have no idea what am I doing here and how am I suppose to socialise with people. Its really a tough barrier to break and I really hate it.

I really feel small and useless to some point and I know i just have to motivate myself. People often say that they accept me as who I am but.. I don't feel or see that.

But above all.. i feel like I don't have someone to fall back onto. I wonder if its a trust issue... Many times it has been laughing together but no one has yet cried together with me. Hence, this unsettled feeling I have been having.

So again... Im always alone.

Alone just because of my different way of life and principles.
Im not really a fun person to be around. So, i just stay on my own on my side.

Most probably, I would have to just keep quiet most of the time but continuing to smile - sincerely i hope.
Im homesick.. i just wanna go home to my family and be done with it.

I lost my confidence long time ago.. and I need time to build it back. I don't know where it has gone to.
So i just, really.. wanna.. go home.