Friday, October 21, 2011

Being lost again...


This post is not really going to be a happy. Its more like me, trying to console myself - like i always do.

Even though it has been about a year being in oversea, i still cannot fit myself into the batch-mate as well as the community.

Every time i make myself present, I feel hypocritical and above all useless. I have no idea what am I doing here and how am I suppose to socialise with people. Its really a tough barrier to break and I really hate it.

I really feel small and useless to some point and I know i just have to motivate myself. People often say that they accept me as who I am but.. I don't feel or see that.

But above all.. i feel like I don't have someone to fall back onto. I wonder if its a trust issue... Many times it has been laughing together but no one has yet cried together with me. Hence, this unsettled feeling I have been having.

So again... Im always alone.

Alone just because of my different way of life and principles.
Im not really a fun person to be around. So, i just stay on my own on my side.

Most probably, I would have to just keep quiet most of the time but continuing to smile - sincerely i hope.
Im homesick.. i just wanna go home to my family and be done with it.

I lost my confidence long time ago.. and I need time to build it back. I don't know where it has gone to.
So i just, really.. wanna.. go home.

1 comment:

  1. dee. this post of yours feels like what my heart is feeling now.

    and i think its major trust issues for me. =( i can't seem to have faith and trust in people. you noe, that they won't let me down and that i can count on them when i need em. confiding in Allah is excellent. but im guessing that we can find Allah amongst His servants too; His guidance and mercy. and that would be better and more balanced inshaAllah.

    love you dee! let's start runtuh our barrier to people bit by bit fillah ok?